Tag Archives: anger

Cutter

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Hurting people hurt people.  They do this to focus their attention elsewhere so that they don’t have to deal with the real pain of their situation.  It’s like people who physically cut themselves.  While these “cutters” don’t actually draw blood, their “cuts” come in the form of attacking others. 

However, knowing this information beforehand only makes it slightly easier to tolerate their toxic behavior.  I still wonder:

  •   Why can’t they get themselves together? 
  •   How do they feel once the temporary high of cutting subsides?

It is hard not to respond in a similar fashion, yet I know that doing so won’t get me very far.  Plus cuts do leave scars!  I can’t begin to count the number of times I have wanted to slice and dice Eliza right back  with a machete the length of Texas.  I have envisioned myself filleting her like a piece of meat at Benihana’s!   And she’s not the only one in queue for those knife tricks!

Fantasies aside, I have to remind myself that I don’t want to do anything to add to her already troubled state.  I breathe easier that way!

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She Does Not Stop!

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Yesterday I received a call from Jazmine’s great-grandmother who resides in East Orange, New Jersey.  She was calling to see how we were doing as well as to share a portion of a letter that Jazmine’s mom (her granddaughter) had written last week.  She wrote that Eliza has been bragging to her how faithfully I brought the boys to see her!  Eliza also stated that I should do this for her considering that Jazmine is her daughter! Therefore Jazmine’s mom is bitter that I am not extending her this courtesy!

I had many concerns about this letter:

  • I have guardianship of Jazmine and therefore any requests for visitation need to be addressed to me, not her grandmother. 
  • Why is she even listening/talking to to Eliza in the first place? Also, Eliza failed to tell her that the visits she received were court ordered and that it took her an entire year to get those granted!
  • Jazmine’s mom seems to be developing an attitude of entitlement.  I guess it is not enough that I am raising her daughter on my own.  I think Eliza has manipulated her and helped cultivate this “right.” 
  • I am offended that she would try to imply that I am doing something wrong by not driving 150 miles roundtrip and using my precious weekend time to do so.  It doesn’t seem to bother her that my brother, her parents, siblings, or any of her friends have not visited her at all–or even offered to escort Jazmine.  I have visited her twice with my niece; something I did not have to do!  I also write her and send cards, pictures, detailed updates, and drawings from Jazmine.  I am only one person and I can’t do it all!  Actually, I refuse!
  • She has not attempted to improve herself during her stay there.  She has been in so much trouble that she has added 9 months to her sentence.  Therefore I do not feel obligated to inconvenience myself to soothe her obviously fragile, immature ego.  If she was so interested in parenting Jazmine, she would do what it takes to get out sooner!
  • Again, why is Eliza determined to start more fires?!!! I think she may be missing the consistent visits that I provided her with.  Now that my stepsons live in North Carolina, I doubt she gets to see them on a regular basis.  Had the boys remained with me, I would have continued to follow the court order. Though she won’t acknowledge this and instead chooses to rub this information in Jazmine’s mom’s face to make her resent me for not doing the same for her.  Once again, Eliza is talking from both sides of her mouth!

As a mother I do understand her desire to spend time with her daughter.  However, my primary concern is that I take care of Jazmine to the best of my ability.  I had nothing to do with Eliza or my niece’s mother landing in prison.  I just have the tedious task of rearing children with ungrateful parents!  All she seems concerned about is making her stay more bearable. 

I knew it was only a matter of time before Eliza rubbed off on Jazmine’s mom!

Family Matters

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What makes a family “family”?  Is there one magic ingredient? I know family does not lend itself only to people who share the same blood lines.  I don’t think it ends in the case of death either. 

But with the loss of my husband, I am not  sure that I want to be “family” with his family anymore.  I am still disappointed, angry, and bitter.  I can’t believe that my MIL who has a history of severe heart problems did not encourage him at least once to get his heart checked!  Then there’s my mercurial SIL who texted me Saturday Morocco I love you and Nicholas, please call me, God bless u. 

She makes me highly nauseous and uncomfortable! She must want something from me.  Her love, I’m sure, comes with a  motive.  I skipped the voicemail that she left along with the text that I didn’t bother to answer.  How do you go from love to hate so rapidly?  My aunt suggested that maybe God has worked on her heart.  I pray that He works on mine!  I haven’t tried to contact any of them or responded to any of their attempts so I wish they would leave me alone.

Am I My Brother’s Keeper?

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I hesitated writing this post because it is so disturbing.  However, my brother is at it again and I need to process his latest diatribe against me.  Last night I was out having dinner with a friend when my cell phone rang.  I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t answer.  But when I got home and looked at the caller ID, I saw that it was my stepfather calling from a friend’s house.

I returned his call and he immediatedly warned me not to go around my brother.  I reminded him that I rarely even see him as I have no reason to do so.  What he said next chilled me,

Your brother has a gun and he’s been talking crazy saying that he wants you deadMy dad (my brother lives with George’s foster father) and the girls (his foster sisters) called me over tonight because he was really talking shit telling them what he was going to do to you.  It scared my dad, he told me.  He said he tried to reason with my brother, which I know is pointless for you cannot reason with the unreasonable.  I was hurt and offended!  I knew what it was all about.  A few weeks back I had written to Jazmine’s mom asking for guardianship for practical purposes and she granted my request.  George also informed me:

  • He feels that I “took” his daughter away from him
  • He can’t believe that my mother birthed such a bitch
  • If I wanted a daughter, I should have had one with my husband before he died
  • I deserve to die
  • He hope someones blows my head off
  • He hates me with a passion
  • I am not his sister, I am just his mother’s daughter
  • He doesn’t care that my husband died, he only cares about his daughter

My brother is also irate because I asked him to contribute $100 a month for her upkeep.  I have only asked this because I no longer have my husband’s income to count on.  I didn’t think it was exorbitant considering that we have been taking care of her without his financial assistance for almost a year now.  Not to mention, I recently found out that he has been collecting money from the state for her–even though he does not have Jazmine in his care!!!

I find this amazingly ludicrous that he is upset over losing $100 of some money that he shouldn’t be getting inthe first place!  He is totally unstable in every sense of the word and he THINKS that he is still capable of caring for his daughter!  The love of money is truly the root of all evil.  He is not thinking of Jazmine at all. 

The few times that he has requested her on the weekends she has returned smelly and sick.  The last two times he had her he had no money to buy her Pull up’s (after she used all of the ones I sent) and put her on adult-sized  Depends–kid you not!!!  He last bought her four outfits in August.

I thought I was doing a good deed by taking care of her for him.  Her mom appreciates it, obviously, he does not.  It makes me bewilderingly sad.  I’m so tired of people thinking I want their children when I am only trying to help.

I called my aunt who acts as our surrogate parent since my mother died.  I wanted her advice.  She had already talked to my brother who had called her two days prior lamenting the same woes about me.  She said she she gave him a stern lecture because he was being so ungrateful, inconsiderate, and asinine.  My aunt even compared him to Eliza.  However, she didn’t know about the gun and was very alarmed and angered by his foolishness.  She called him but he would not accept her call.

She told me that perhaps I should hand Jazmine over to him so he could really see what it took to rear a toddler.  She predicted that he would be calling me to pick her up again before too long.  My girlfriend also suggested this.  But I don’t want to put Jazmine in harm’s way.  He does not have her best interest at heart and is only thinking about himself.  He is very short tempered and drinks and drugs as well.  What if he hurts her?

My aunt pointed out that I should not have to deal with these types of threats from my own brother.  I do agree.  I feel like I am being attacked at all angles!!!  I am exhausted by these trials I am experiencing.  A friend suggested that I read the book of Job for hope.  But I’m no Job.  I don’t have his patience nor his amazing strength and faith.   I am not that good and faithful of a servant. 

Tomorrow I am going to write Jazmine’s mom and ask her if she wants Jazmine to be with him until she is released in December.  I don’t think she will because as she has stated many times before “I know how your brother is.”  When I asked for guardianship I proposed that very same idea to her.  She responded by sending me the papers.

I wish my brother could see that I do not want his daughter for my own.  I know she is my niece and I am okay with that.  And even though I don’t think he would really kill me, it’s still unsettling to hear him express the desire to do so.  Maybe I just need to stay away from people and their kids. My “help” always seems to be interpreted as anything but.

 By keeping Jazmine I thought I was “keeping” him.  How wrong was I?

Wouldn’t You Think?

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I am trying with little success to figure out why Eliza is lashing out against me.  Wouldn’t you think that since she has gotten what she has always wanted that she would be happy?  I mean, humor me here, what reason does she have to continue being hateful?

I don’t have her children, I don’t have my husband, she doesn’t have to deal with me anymore…what more could she ask for?  The only thing I can think of is that she never abandoned the grudge against us in the first place.  For her own gain she simply kept it closely concealed.

Or, maybe she wanted to be the one to sever all ties with me and end things on her terms.  She never got to do this with my husband considering he left and divorced her.  It’s as if she is projecting her feelings about him onto me.

 Does she think I abandoned the boys? But she would have to know that they were removed from my care by her siblings.  Even if she feels that I did not parent them well or whatever else she may be stewing about, it’s all water under the bridge now.  What purpose would it serve to still be angry?  Any guesses are welcome.

Cut!

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Today when I picked Jazmine up from the sitter’s, I thought something looked different about her hair.  When I got her home I saw that she only had three ponytails.  I sent her with four.  I took a closer look at her hair and noticed that it had been sawed off in places.  I became frantic realizing that that one of her ponytails had been cut off!

As I was surevying the damge, I took the hair band off of the third ponytail and her “ponytail” fell into my hand!  She only had two ponytails!  What was left of her hair was shiny and hard.  Examining her scalp, I found glue residue.  I immediatedly started crying and washing what was left of her hair. 

I quickly called the sitter to find out what had happened.  I wanted to know if she had ingested any of the chemical.  She did not know because she had been asleep. She claimed that her husband was supposed to be keeping an eye on Jazmine and her four-year-old grandchild.  I was furious!!!  I contacted the local Poison Control Center and they said she would be fine.

It was finally revealed that her grand-daughter put eyelash glue in Jazmine’s hair.  I guess when her husband saw what had happened, he panicked and tried cutting the glue out of the hair.  He was not there when I picked Jazmine up.  Obviously he did not want to face my wrath.  I was so disgusted with her that I hung up the phone.  I did not want to hear any lame excuses.

She has bald patches and two clumps of hair.  I have no other choice but to get it cut very close to the scalp.  I am upset.  I blame myself because I selected the sitter.  Had I known she was so irresponsible, I would have never entrusted my niece to her care.

I hate that she will have to have a fade at age two!  Every cloud does have a silver lining, no matter how faint.  It could have been something far more sinister.  Also, winter is around the corner.  I will just have to find her the cutest hats possible. 

Suffice it to say, that sitter will not be caring for my niece ever again.

Visiting Her

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Saturday marked the 10th visit that I have escorted Ethan on to visit his mom.  It also marked the most uncomfortable one.

Ethan and I didn’t have to wait long for her to come out.  Eliza was on time because she was called to the visit from her culinary arts class.  This time I didn’t get out of my seat to hug her.  She didn’t make her way over to my chair to hug me either.

She appeared a little surprised to see us because we did not visit on the day they we normally do.  Eliza gave me a half-hearted smile as she signed in at the desk.  I don’t think she was prepared for a visit.  Usually that’s why it takes so long for her to come out because she spends about an hour and a half getting ready.  Her hair was pulled in a simple ponytail (no bells and whistles) and her face was free of vivid eyeshadow and mascara. 

Eliza seemed embarrassed to be “caught” not looking her best.  She kept her head down most of the visit and made little eye contact with me.  She even gave an explanation for her appearance saying that her hair was frizzy from working in the garden on the previous day. 

We played card games and ate snacks.  Mother and son did most of the talking as I said very little.  I gave her an update on Evan and added a few remarks here and there, but that was basically it. 

I think I was sulking a little.  I was polite yet reserved.  Just being in the prison was a reminder of how she failed to notify me about the lockdown.  I recalled reading comments on the prison message board from posters who had received letters from friends and family warning them of the situation.   Once again I was stung by her discourtesy.   

When Eliza mentioned the woman who escaped (providing Ethan with a detailed version including how she knitted herself an entire outfit to escape in), I used the opportunity to let her know that I had planned to bring Ethan down that very weekend.  I explained that it was Tasha who had informed me of the restriction–saving me time and gas.  I told her that I appreciated Tasha’s thoughtfulness.

I hope that she read between the lines.  I did not want to address the matter directly because I did not want to air our issues in front of Ethan.  Nor did I feel like writing her a letter  beforehand to request that she share these minute occurences with me.  I just want her to grow up.

I could write her for future reference (in the event that it never occurred to her to inform me) and request that she keep me abreast of anything that might affect our monthly visits.  However,  I’m not sure that she would comply anyways.

At the end of the visit she hugged Ethan goodbye.  I inched far away from the table because I did not feel like hugging her.  However, Eliza walked around the table so she could hug me.  I was a little surprised because if she would have read my body language she would have known that I wasn’t up for it.  Maybe she felt bad. 

Maybe I am too sensitive.

My fellow blogger friend Stacy wrote a great a post about hug therapy.  It made me realize that I do need to hug her.  She wrote There are actual health benefits to hugging.  According to one article, we need 8 hugs a day for maintenance and 12 hugs a day for growth.  Two other articles expressed that hugging lowers blood pressure and reduces stress.  In the third article, I read, it talked about how being hugged makes us feel accepted and compassion.  These emotions tend to make us feel more relaxed and improve our attitude. 

Maybe one day my warm hugs will melt the polar region of her heart.