Category Archives: Why Me?

Men @ Work

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No, I’m not talking about the Australian rock band, I’m alluding to the many men who have seemingly come out of  thin air to attract my attention.  I have been completely overwhelmed by the number of men vying for it.  Some, I’m sure, don’t have the purest of intentions.

A vast majority of my would-be suitors are people I work with.  I’m sorry, but I find this incredibly tacky considering that they know my situation.  It has only been four months for crying outloud!  I am really disturbed by their lack of decorum.  I am not interested in being pursued or going on any dates.  I know that I am not giving  them any signs to appraoch me; but  it hasn’t deterred them yet.

Here are a few of the said men who make their interest obvious:

  • The Headcase: If the world is indeed  a crazy place, then Eliza’s brother is the commander-in-chief!  How he would even have the audacity to think that I’d have him beats me!!!!  His arrogance is offensive!  In the words of Cher from the movie Clueless “As if!”
  • The Head Custodian: He is a handsome older man (mid 40’s) whom I have worked with the longest.  I am not interested.
  • The Substitute:  The female students and teachers alike describe him as gorgeous.  It’s crazy the reaction that he gets because I don’t find him good-looking and he is annoying to boot.  He is also a masseur.  I like “manly” men, not androgynous metrosexuals. I am not interested.
  • The Special Ed Teacher: Married, no need to say anymore (but if you let him tell it, he’s not happy at home, no sympathy found here!) I am not interested.
  • The Former Coworker: He is fair looking, but too intense for my liking.  He heard through the grapevine about  my husband’s death and attended the  funeral.  I am not interested.
  • The Neighbor: Married, no need to say anymore! I am not interested.
  • The School Police Officer: Older man, not my type.  He looks like Ving Rhames with a Caesar.  I am not interested.
  • The Mechanic: An older guy who seems nice enough. I’m not interested.
  • The Sheriff’s Deputy:  Another older guy (late 30’s early 40’s).  He is the same one who gave my battery a jump when my car wouldn’t start.  My husband and I knew him from our frequent appearances in family court.  He’s weird. I am not interested.
  • The Reverend: He is an older man who looks much younger than he is (66 to be exact) and was the same clergyman who baptized my husband as a child! He has not directly stated his intentions, but his actions (I relunctantly admit) do.  My friend Kara calls me “Shocked and Appalled” because some things that shouldn’t surprise me just do! I mean he is way too old for me, he knows my inlaws, he is a man of the cloth—-it’s too much for me to even ponder!  This one makes me the most uncomfortable.

 The bottom line is I am not interested!  I want to use this time to heal.  If I am meant to have another person in my life, I believe it will happen naturally.  At this point I am not seeking nor do I want to be saught.  Some men are disgusting creatures!

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Rattled Nerves! This is a long post…

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Ok so I posted about Kierra’s upcoming surgery.  I have to go back to 10 months ago when Kierra had her first surgery.  This was a time when I thought things would get better for all of us. 

Husband and I went to her initial doctor’s appointment when we were told she would have to have surgery.  We arrived first and sat in the waiting area.  We talked quietly to ourselves.  When Kierra and Christine came in, Christine went to check in and Kierra came and sat with us.  When Christine finished filling out paperwork she sat on the other side of the waiting area. (Oh, did I mention that it’s no secret that Christine does not get along with us?)  We sat there for what seemed like forever before Kierra was called back.  Husband and I remained in the waiting room.

After a while Christine came out and called my Husband’s name.  We both stood and followed Christine to the examination room.  Inside the doctor talked to us about options for Kierra.  My husband and the doctor did most of the talking.  Christine stood next to Kierra stroking her hair.  Christine and Husband agreed on the date and everything was set.

Husband and I stepped out to give Kierra some privacy.  Christine and Kierra came out and received all the necessary paperwork for the surgery.  We all ended up on the elevator together and not one word was spoken amongst the adults.  Kierra talked to us as we were walking to the parking lot.

The morning of the surgery we arrived again before Christine and Kierra.  Kierra’s older sister and Christine’s ex-boyfriend came along as well.  Again Kierra sat with us on the oposite side of the waiting area until she was called back.  You could feel the negative energy floating around.  Christine did not like the fact that Kierra chose to sit with us.  When the nurse called Kierra’s name, Christine jumped up and rushed Kierra to her side in her trademark snippy voice.  Kierra was not amused by her mother’s actions.

The nurse took Kierra back and told us we would be able to join her after they prepped her for surgery. 

When the nurse called for Kierra’s family, Husband and I stood and walked over to the nurse.  Christine rushed up to her side and was agitated when her daughter and ex-boyfriend took their time getting out of their seats.  She spoke to me for the first time while we were waiting for her clan to follow us back to Kierra’s room.

Can you imagine how the scene looked to an outsider?  Everyone was tight-lipped.  You could feel the tension.

Kierra did the most talking making sure she held a conversation with everyone.  The nurse came in and explained the care needed during recovery.  Soon Kierra was taken back to the surgery room.

We all had to go back to the waiting area during the surgery.  Husband and I played a game.  We took turns writing a story.  I started with five lines and he had to write the next five.  As we waited we received calls from family and friend’s with their support and prayers.

At one point while waiting, I went into the lobby to take a call and to use the facilities.  While I was in the restroom Christine and her daughter came in.  Christine was crying and neither one said a word to me.  I finished washing my hands and went back to the waiting area.

Shortly thereafter the doctor called us to a small room to tell us how the surgery went.  Christine went towards the room.  Her Ex had stepped out.  She waited by the door impatiently waiting on him.  Husband and I went in and took a seat.  The Ex came back into the waiting area and Christine insisted that he come in with us.  He was very hesitant at first.

The doctor told us that the surgery was a success.  We went back to the waiting area to wait to be called back to see Kierra. 

Soon we were called and went back to her room.  Christine promptly went to Kierra’s side and kissed her all over her face.  Her daughter turned on the television to America’s Next Top Model.  After Christine finally sat down.  Husband and I went to her side.  Kierra was not fully awake and nodded in and out of sleep.  She could not leave the hospital until she was fully alert and had used the restroom.  When she did wake up Christine would not leave her alone and Kierra was very irritated.  Christine was somewhat annoyed when the Ex kept excusing himself from the room to take calls on his cell.

That was the most agonizing time of my life.  Christine was so obnoxious!  She made sure that she or her daughter did everything for Kierra while we were there. 

Several times Husband and her Ex had to step out.  During that time Husband got an earful of Christine’s drama.  (This is already so long, I’ll have to write another post about that.)

When it was time to leave we walked with the nurse to Christine’s car.  We gave Kierra our love and promised to come see her.  We went to get her some roses and met them at her house.  Christine stayed in the kitchen while we visited with Kierra.  We were there all of 15 minutes.

Later that evening I called to check on Kierra and asked if she wanted me to come over the next day to watch a movie with her.  Christine made sure to tell me that her family and friends would be over most of the weekend.  She told me that she would let me know when she no longer had company.  Do you think I ever received that phone call?  NOPE! 

I was surprised the next day when I called to check on Kierra that my sister-in-law was there.  She and Christine are arch enemies.  Kierra said that they had been there all day.

I was so hurt but quickly realized that nothing had changed.  Initally I thought this experience would help our relationship with Christine.  How wrong I was.  She is still the same.

That brings me to my rattled nerves.  We have to endure this mess all over again.  The difference this time is that Kierra will leave the hospital with us.  We know that Christine does not like this.  She called my husband being all nicey nice acting as if she is concerned about Kierra not seeing my brother and his family when they get in town.  My husband told her that it shouldn’t be a problem seeing as though Kierra will be with us anyway. 

In the back of my mind I have a feeling that Christine is going to make a fuss about her being the MOM and she needs to take care of Kierra as if we are not capable of doing so.  I called Morocco as soon as I got home.  I was so worked up about everything.  Thankfully she was there to listen to my rant and help to calm my nerves for the moment.

We’ll see.  Two more weeks, the countdown begins…

Am I My Brother’s Keeper?

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I hesitated writing this post because it is so disturbing.  However, my brother is at it again and I need to process his latest diatribe against me.  Last night I was out having dinner with a friend when my cell phone rang.  I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t answer.  But when I got home and looked at the caller ID, I saw that it was my stepfather calling from a friend’s house.

I returned his call and he immediatedly warned me not to go around my brother.  I reminded him that I rarely even see him as I have no reason to do so.  What he said next chilled me,

Your brother has a gun and he’s been talking crazy saying that he wants you deadMy dad (my brother lives with George’s foster father) and the girls (his foster sisters) called me over tonight because he was really talking shit telling them what he was going to do to you.  It scared my dad, he told me.  He said he tried to reason with my brother, which I know is pointless for you cannot reason with the unreasonable.  I was hurt and offended!  I knew what it was all about.  A few weeks back I had written to Jazmine’s mom asking for guardianship for practical purposes and she granted my request.  George also informed me:

  • He feels that I “took” his daughter away from him
  • He can’t believe that my mother birthed such a bitch
  • If I wanted a daughter, I should have had one with my husband before he died
  • I deserve to die
  • He hope someones blows my head off
  • He hates me with a passion
  • I am not his sister, I am just his mother’s daughter
  • He doesn’t care that my husband died, he only cares about his daughter

My brother is also irate because I asked him to contribute $100 a month for her upkeep.  I have only asked this because I no longer have my husband’s income to count on.  I didn’t think it was exorbitant considering that we have been taking care of her without his financial assistance for almost a year now.  Not to mention, I recently found out that he has been collecting money from the state for her–even though he does not have Jazmine in his care!!!

I find this amazingly ludicrous that he is upset over losing $100 of some money that he shouldn’t be getting inthe first place!  He is totally unstable in every sense of the word and he THINKS that he is still capable of caring for his daughter!  The love of money is truly the root of all evil.  He is not thinking of Jazmine at all. 

The few times that he has requested her on the weekends she has returned smelly and sick.  The last two times he had her he had no money to buy her Pull up’s (after she used all of the ones I sent) and put her on adult-sized  Depends–kid you not!!!  He last bought her four outfits in August.

I thought I was doing a good deed by taking care of her for him.  Her mom appreciates it, obviously, he does not.  It makes me bewilderingly sad.  I’m so tired of people thinking I want their children when I am only trying to help.

I called my aunt who acts as our surrogate parent since my mother died.  I wanted her advice.  She had already talked to my brother who had called her two days prior lamenting the same woes about me.  She said she she gave him a stern lecture because he was being so ungrateful, inconsiderate, and asinine.  My aunt even compared him to Eliza.  However, she didn’t know about the gun and was very alarmed and angered by his foolishness.  She called him but he would not accept her call.

She told me that perhaps I should hand Jazmine over to him so he could really see what it took to rear a toddler.  She predicted that he would be calling me to pick her up again before too long.  My girlfriend also suggested this.  But I don’t want to put Jazmine in harm’s way.  He does not have her best interest at heart and is only thinking about himself.  He is very short tempered and drinks and drugs as well.  What if he hurts her?

My aunt pointed out that I should not have to deal with these types of threats from my own brother.  I do agree.  I feel like I am being attacked at all angles!!!  I am exhausted by these trials I am experiencing.  A friend suggested that I read the book of Job for hope.  But I’m no Job.  I don’t have his patience nor his amazing strength and faith.   I am not that good and faithful of a servant. 

Tomorrow I am going to write Jazmine’s mom and ask her if she wants Jazmine to be with him until she is released in December.  I don’t think she will because as she has stated many times before “I know how your brother is.”  When I asked for guardianship I proposed that very same idea to her.  She responded by sending me the papers.

I wish my brother could see that I do not want his daughter for my own.  I know she is my niece and I am okay with that.  And even though I don’t think he would really kill me, it’s still unsettling to hear him express the desire to do so.  Maybe I just need to stay away from people and their kids. My “help” always seems to be interpreted as anything but.

 By keeping Jazmine I thought I was “keeping” him.  How wrong was I?

I Hope Not

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Today I have something on my mind.  I received a letter from Jazmine’s mom yesterday in which she wrote, Well I let my mouth get me in trouble and lost more time and  my new out date is 12-21-09 but hopefully I’ll be home sooner long as I stay focused and don’t let my pride get in the way cause these officers try to belittle you and make you feel like shit.

Now I automatically wondered if it had anything to do with Eliza (despite the fact that she mentioned issues with the officers).  Ironically, her new out date falls on Eliza’s birthday.  Plus, I thought about the letter that Jazmine’s mom wrote last week.  I checked the offender information to verify Eliza’s release date and saw that she had a new one.  She had two and a half months added to her sentence!  Jazmine’s mom had four months added.

It could be just a coincidence, but I don’t think so.  I would feel bad especially if she got into trouble for my sake!  I warned her not to allow Eliza to get under her skin.  There is not much I can do about the situation.  I can’t control her nor do I have any influence on Eliza.  I wonder why they had to land in the same facility!  I can only hope that God put those two together for the good of His purpose that is unbeknownst to me.

I Bet She’s Happy

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Call me crazy, but I thought that Eliza would want the boys to stay with me for many reasons, namely because:

  1. They were in a stable environment
  2. They have been through a lot
  3. It is their home
  4. She knew that  I would continue escorting them to visit her
  5. I love them and have their best interests at heart
  6. I have treated her kindly and with respect
  7. I encouraged the kids to continue their relationship with her

So when they were taken from me, needless to say, I was very hurt and devastated.  I felt betrayed in a sense.  Every letter that she wrote in praise/support/encouragement of me must have been false.  She was only hugging me to find the best spot to stab me in the back.

She didn’t even have the courtesy to send her sympathies.

Why would she want them with her unstable siblings?  She and her sister do not have a good relationship and are quite jealous of one another.  In fact, at one visit she confided in me that she actually hates her sister.  Not to mention, her sister barely cares for her own two children.  I don’t see how she would be able to take them to visit Eliza on a regular basis considering that she lives many states away.

And her brother–forget about it!  The kids would be better off being raised by a pack of wolves than him.  That would be like appointing my brother, Jazmine’s father, to raise Nicholas if something happened to me!  This is too scary to even imagine.  Though my brother is my kin, I know emphatically that he would not be the best candidate to raise my son.  I’d much rather him be with a nonrelative than a relative with a lack of morals, human decency, and common sense.

Here’s why I think she would want her family to have them:

  1. She feels that they owe her as both were indirectly involved in her crime
  2. They are “family”
  3. I’m not “family” and she could care less about Nicholas
  4. Her sister will probably accept her collect calls
  5. She doesn’t have to deal with me i.e. via mail or in person, in other words, she won’t have to pretend to like me
  6. She is still nursing a grudge
  7. She never wanted them to have a relationship with me in the first place and does not want them to love me
  8. She doesn’t like to share
  9. She wants her family to keep any “benefits” (social security) in the family
  10. She is willing to sacrifice their wellbeing/happiness in order to punish me
  11. She doesn’t care about my feelings
  12. It’s hard to villify the person caring for your kids
  13. I am a reminder that her first marriage did not work
  14. She detested my husband
  15. She detests me

It seems that things have worked in her favor.  Eliza would have to know that my heart is broken into a million little pieces which I’m sure the very thought fills her with joy.  She does not have to fight for custody of the boys after she is released.  Nor does she have to pay the court-ordered child support that has been accumulating since her incarceration.  Finally she will have the kids all to herself!

I know I have to let it go because it is out of my control–something easier said than done.  I’m really having a hard time with everything.  However, I had the feeling last night that I should pray for them, Eliza and her siblings. You are supposed to pray for the people who persecute you. 

And I will continue to pray that God will protect Ethan and Evan from any harm.

Crystal Ball

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I wish I had a crystal ball so that I could watch the boys.  I wonder how they are doing?  I wonder what they are doing?  Do they like their new school?  Have they made any friends?  Are they in therapy? Do they like living with whoever it is they are with?  Do they ask about us?  I wonder if they miss us?

Note:  I think I might have “talked them up” because guess who called today at 9:56am? Eliza’s sister.  I didn’t answer because I was working, but when I checked my phone I saw the missed call.  She did not leave a voicemail, which leads me to believe that she is not calling to exchange pleasantries.

Left Behind

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I feel like we have been abandoned, me, Nicholas, and Jazmine that is. 

The very same day of my husband’s death from a heart attack, Eliza’s brother came knocking.  I saw him approaching the walkway and became anxious.  His arrival portended evil.   He was his usual pompus, surly self.  Luckily my aunt and cousin were home with us so I didn’t have to face him alone. 

When my aunt answered the door he demanded to speak with me.  She informed him that I was not feeling up to seeing any visitors so he asked to speak to my husband.  She told him that my husband was not available.  He then asked if he had passed–not your logical follow-up question.  My aunt acknowledged that he did in which he replied, “When he die, a month ago? Did he committ suicide?” 

I was stung by his indecency and began screaming and crying for him to leave.   He yelled that Ethan was his blood and that he carried his last name (he doesn’t).  My cousin ushered him away from the door.  I grabbed the phone and called the police.  I wanted him away from our house ASAP.

When the police arrived he stood outside attempting to manipulate them into believing that he was only there to console his nephew.  He claimed he had no idea that my husband had died.  Two big, burly guys joined his side.  The police  didn’t buy his story especially after eyeing his bouncers and wrote up a trespassing report.  They also put extra patrol in our neighborhood.  The rest of the night him and his sister called without ceasing.  She left many ridiculous messages stating that she only wanted her nephew because I was not “family.”  Wow and ouch was all I could think.  Just a stepmom…

I also received calls from Eliza’s aunt and cousin, who both said that they felt the boys rightfully belonged with me as did the rest of their family.  I asked why the aunt and uncle were behaving like vultures.  Her cousin replied that they probably wanted the money that the boys would draw from his death.  This thought never occurred to me.  The aunt also felt that they were probably carrying out Eliza’s wishes–another troubling thought.  How could Eliza not know how well I cared for the boys?

Monday morning I called the court and informed them of our situation.  The clerk expressed her sympathy and told me that she would do all she could to help keep the kids with me.  She felt that the judge would not want to move them anyhow.  The clerk also told  me to quickly file a document with my intentions.  I had an appointment with the funeral home so I figured I had time to go on Tuesday.  How wrong was I!

Later that evening I got a call from the residential facility saying that  Evan’s aunt and uncle were on their way to discharge him from the hospital.  According to the director, they had valid court papers.  They had went to a probate court judge and was issued an emergency order.  I was dumbfounded, especially considering that our particular case was only to be heard by one judge because he was so familiar with it.  When I broke the news to Evan on Sunday, he was so broken that it was obvious that he was in no condition to leave at such a crucial time.  Evan had asked me to take him home immediatedly, but I was able to convince him to wait until they adjusted his medicine.  I promised that I would pick him up in two weeks.

I called their uncle and pleaded with him not to take him out because he was not at all stable.  He finally relented.  A few hours later he called so that Evan could speak to Ethan.  He lied and had discharged him despite my pleadings!  He then demanded that I hand over his other nephew at almost 12am.  Again, I begged him to wait for a decent hour.  He hung up on me.  A few hours later I heard a lot of banging on the door and saw bright lights  shining into the house.  I became very afraid and called the police.  The operator checked to see if it was the police and determined that it was.

When I opened the door I recognized one of the officers who had been to our house frequently for runs regarding Eliza.  He greeted me and showed me the paperwork.  He seemed bothered that he had to do this particular task.  I had Ethan come out of his bedroom and he looked very scared.  They walked  him down to his new guardians.

I considered fighting them in court, but decided against it.  The probate judge who issued the order died two days after signing the paperwork.  I have been threatened so much that my family and I determined that for our safety I should not.   Their uncle told my SIL that bad things would happen to me if I tried to fight for the kids.   And I know that my husband would not want me living under such fear and pressure. 

It was and still is a difficult decision that I have yet to come to terms with.  I really wanted them here with us.

Two days after the funeral their uncle had the nerve to call and offer his condolences because he said he “liked me!” Once again I became undone as I heatedly inquired why the boys were not allowed to attend their father’s service.  He offered a few lame excuses and I hung up midway through his glib speech.

I have not heard from the boys or  Eliza.  I suspect that they may be in another state with their aunt.   

It’s been a long, hard, mournful month.  Jazmine constantly asks about my husband.  Nicholas has kept pretty quiet.  I don’t think any of us understand, but I do know that we sorely and surely miss all three.