Family Matters

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What makes a family “family”?  Is there one magic ingredient? I know family does not lend itself only to people who share the same blood lines.  I don’t think it ends in the case of death either. 

But with the loss of my husband, I am not  sure that I want to be “family” with his family anymore.  I am still disappointed, angry, and bitter.  I can’t believe that my MIL who has a history of severe heart problems did not encourage him at least once to get his heart checked!  Then there’s my mercurial SIL who texted me Saturday Morocco I love you and Nicholas, please call me, God bless u. 

She makes me highly nauseous and uncomfortable! She must want something from me.  Her love, I’m sure, comes with a  motive.  I skipped the voicemail that she left along with the text that I didn’t bother to answer.  How do you go from love to hate so rapidly?  My aunt suggested that maybe God has worked on her heart.  I pray that He works on mine!  I haven’t tried to contact any of them or responded to any of their attempts so I wish they would leave me alone.

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12 responses »

  1. Morocco, my best friend, Dawn, and I talk about this subject often. We believe that bloodlines and the law does not create a family. We believe that family are a group of people whom offer each other unconditional love and endless support.

  2. sometimes family is lame. and that’s just how they are. my oldest sister is crazy. seriously, nuts. she has two kids. and it breaks my heart. everything is an ordeal with her. nothing is her fault, she takes responsibility for nothing. i would have stopped talking to her years ago. YEARS. if it weren’t for her two kids. i love my nephews and my little sister and i try to infect them with goodness as much as we can.

    you don’t have to get along with “family”. if you don’t know what to do, do nothing until it comes to you. i think your approach is a good one.

  3. Maybe they’re trying to contact you because they want to keep in touch with Nicholas. He’s still their family and it may be that they’re going to be nice to you to keep contact open with their nephew.

    I’m sorry they’re making life so hard for you!

  4. I agree with the post above: “If you don’t know what to do, do nothing.” Give yourself some time to figure out exactly what you are comfortable with and where you want boundaries to be drawn. Once you know, then you can move forward in those relationships in whatever direction is best for you.

  5. I’m not moved that she “may” want to keep in touch with Nicholas. The fact remains that he is a ten-year-old who can’t do a single thing without his mother’s permission. I really could care less what she wants. She wasn’t thinking about Nicholas (or me or MY husband) when she was behaving like a crazy lady. Nor was she thinking about him when the boys were in town and at her house. She didn’t bother to call Nicholas so that he could get together with his brothers considering that he has not seen them in four months.

    When my husband was alive she was rarely allowed around the boys because of her outrageous behavior. So it’s not as if she has a close bond with any of them. Nicholas does not know of her animosity toward me but barely makes mention of her. He knows that he can pick up the phone anytime to connect with his dad’s family. I would hope that she does love my son considering that he is her nephew–but she doesn’t have to pretend to love me. I am not Eliza and would not keep him away from her.

    She is the only one that had a problem with me. The rest of my extended family loves me to pieces. I feel bad that I am being so antisocial, however, this is where I am right now. Whenever I come around I know they will be right there waiting, hopefully sans her. But for now, I am going to take my sweet time getting there–wherever that may be.

  6. Morocco, I remember your previous post on her, as I had the SIL, that was obsessed with her brother (my husband). So I know how you feel. I was in that family for 20 years, and she verbally/emotionally abused me for 20 years. Do I trust this woman today? Not on your life and she always had a motive.

    If she is anything like my SIL, she either wants something from you, and doesn’t want to outwardly ask. She may be befriending you to warm you up, then she will ask for something that is none of her business to be asking. Or, she is feeling some sort of guilt for something she has done, and is trying to relinqish those feelings by your acceptance of her.

    I would not trust her, be careful.

    You do not owe these people anything. Honor how you feel and what you feel comfortable doing. I know whenever I don’t, I become resentful and angry.

  7. Morocco, you said it…time. Right now this is how your heart feels, and all people need to respect that. If there is a problem with that, it is on their end,,,not yours. I would do what YOU feel is best for YOU and your fsmily. One day at a time, right?

  8. Been There~

    I’m glad you remembered whom I was referring to! Knowing her as I do, I’m sure there is something she wants. And as you so keenly pointed out something she has no business asking for because she is just that inappropriate. I don’t trust her at all.

    Doraz~

    Yep, one day at a time! I’m lurching through this thing as best as I can.

  9. I agree with the wait and see idea. If it doesn’t feel right, take a step back, evaluate, and let someone else make the moves.
    I think we can go through a lot with our families- whether they are blood or not. We sacrifice for our children, our partners, our partner’s families, but if people in the family are behaving threateningly, or in a way that is inappropriate or hurtful, the boundaries must be drawn. Regardless of family ties.

  10. Dragonflymama~

    I agree with you wholeheartedly. Just because she is Nicholas’ aunt, I will not allow her to wreak havoc on our lives. I don’t even entertain my own brother’s madness even though he is Nicholas’ uncle and Jazmine’s father–so I’m certainly not going to put up with her. Mind you my own husband didn’t even deal with his sister!

  11. Taking care of you is important. Time is an amazing healer and caretaker. I have found that God’s time and my time are a bit different. Some hurts are so painful it’s hard to imagine that there could ever be a time that would ever heal it. My grandmother passed away I tucked her memory into my heart ,so she is always with me, it’s nice because I feel like the memory of her is always….. with me.

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