Just Once…

This is going to be hard, I have never written about my situation before now.  At any rate I think I have finally come to terms with this, so here goes…

Since I have been married, Mother’s Day has always been a sad day for me.  The reason being, I was not a mother.  Husband and I tried to conceive to no avail.  I was tested and tested again and again.  Husband and I went through proceedure after proceedure.   I had three surgeries and in 2007 I had the last one.  The one that sealed my fate.  No biological children for me. 

I met with my doctor numerous times to discuss other options.  For me there were no other options.  I was  exhausted by the poking, prodding, and not to mention the unbearable pain.  Husband was very supportive.  I thought I was fine.  Deep down I wasn’t.  Little did I know I went through a great depression.  At the time my mother-in-law was dying of cancer.  It was all too much on me. 

My marriage suffered a little because I felt like Husband didn’t understand what I was going through.  He had a child, a biological child.  He couldn’t possibly understand how I felt.  We tried our best to deal with everything going on.  I just wanted it all to go away.  At the time it was too great a loss, my unborn children and the death of my mother-in-law.

 Mother’s Day in 2008 was the worst ever.  I tried to put on a happy face but deep inside I was screaming for the emotional pain to stop.

My mother sent me wonderful cards telling me that I am a mother figure to the children I work with at school.  I am a mother to Kierra.  I am a mother to all of my Godchildren.  My mother-in-law gave me the greatest gift of all…Ian and Imani.  Even Husband praised me to the high heavens how grateful he was to have me as Kierra’s stepmother and now the mother of our inherited children. 

Even with all the praise it was hard for me to accept.  I felt like I was not a mother.  I had not given birth to any of these children.  Of course I love each and everyone of them but still I felt an emptiness.

Mother’s Day is just around the corner I was starting to feel this same emptiness.  Why was I feeling this way?  Ian and Imani have been a huge blessing in my life.  They are with Husband and I fulltime. I do not have to go back and forth with another parent as to what is best for their child.  So where are these feelings coming from?  I don’t know…

Yesterday, while reading Tiff, Taff, and Lulu to Ian and Imani I felt at peace.  I finally felt that empty feeling slipping away.  We were sitting on the couch together.  Ian had his head on my shoulder.  Out of no where he says, “Mommy guess what?  I made you something for Mother’s Day at school.”  I heard Husband yell from the other room that it was supposed to be a surprise.  Ian said, “I’m excited and can’t wait until Sunday.”  Wow….I needed that!

Not to long after that Husband yelled from our bedroom, “Guess what?  Kierra is coming over this weekend.”  I of course shook my head and asked if she remembered that this was Mother’s Day weekend.  He told me that she knew and Kierra asked Christine if she could come over and she said yes. 

Honestly, I don’t believe that will happen.  In previous years Kierra has had to sneak to call me on Mother’s Day.  As Kierra got older she has asked if she could stop by for a minute to see me.  Christine would say she would bring Kierra over but found every excuse not to.  Kierra would call and say that they were on their way several times throughout the day, only for Christine to go visit someone else.  Then it would get late and instead of dropping by Christine would go home.  My feelings would get hurt and so would Kierra’s.

Right now I feel a little flustered.  For once I just want a peaceful Mother’s Day.  I do not want to think about babies that I am not able to have.  I do not want to think about Christine and if she is going to let Kierra come over or not.  I do not want to think of her at all.  She dangles Kierra in my face and then snatches her away everytime.  I do not want to think of any of those things. 

I just want to enjoy a quiet day with  Husband and the children, all three of them if possible.  No drama, no worries, just once….

I Stand Corrected!

Christine was telling the truth about Kierra’s doctor going on medical leave.  Kierra and Christine met with another docter who will perform Kierra’s surgery.  

For now, we do not know the date of the surgery.  We do know that Kierra will have it as soon as school is out.  Kierra’s school has three snow days to make up.  The school has yet to inform parents of the last day of school.

I was totally shocked to hear from Kierra  that Christine was telling the truth.  It’s a shame that our dealings with Christine only lead us to think the worst of her.  All the scheming and lying she does  lead us to believe she was trying to pull a fast one.

I’m not sure if I will ever let my guard down with Christine.  She has proven time and time again that she cannot be trusted.  This time though she did right by her child and took the necessary steps to ensure Kierra was taken care of.  She didn’t put her wants and needs before Kierra so I have to say kudos to her!

We are happy that during all this Kierra has not had a setback in her health.

How Low Can You Go?

As you all know Kierra was scheduled to have surgery this week.  Last week Christine made many attempts to change Husband’s mind and let Kierra go home with her.  Husband assured her that Kierra would be just fine going home with us.

Christine was relentless in her pleas.  She commented on the fact that she could take off work…so can we.  She said she knows how to work the drain that Kierra would receive because she did it the last time…she had to be shown and the doctor can show us.  She went on to say that she has to sign Kierra in and out of the hospital…okay she can still do so and Kierra will still leave with us.  Then she said that what if Kierra needs to go back to the hospital for any reason…we are capable of getting her there and will call you immediately.  Besides that we have two running vehicles.  (Christine’s car has been “down” since Christmas.  Husband has had to take Kierra home at the end of her visits since then.  Yet Christine and her older daughter drive it all the time.)

I knew Christine would not be happy with Kierra coming to our home.  Why?  Well her words have come to bite her.  Christine swore she would never step foot in our house.  She even told Kierra this the other night while they were having a heated discussion.  Kierra informed us that Christine ranted about how Kierra didn’t love her.  How Kierra loved us more than her.  Why can’t Kierra just come home and be with her.  Kierra told Christine that she loved all of her family and this time she wanted to be with us.

Low and behold Husband received a call the next day from Christine but he missed the call.  Later that evening he was talking to Kierra on the phone when she broke the news.  Christine canceled the surgery.  She told Kierra that the doctor went on medical leave.  Kierra asked her if another doctor could perform the surgery.  Christine said she would prefer that her doctor do the surgery since the last one was a success.  Christine said she didn’t know when the doctor would be back.  Yeah right!!!  Christine canceled the surgery because she doesn’t want to come to our house. 

When this whole ordeal came about I told Husband that Christine would probably cancel the surgery.  That is the only way she could assure Kierra not come home with us.  I’m pretty sure she will rescheule it when it’s on her time.  But that is not even the issue.  The problem I have is that Kierra needs the surgery.  It’s not a life or death situation but the sooner she gets it done the better for Kierra.  If prolonged she could have a situation where she would need reconstructive surery.

We do not have a probelm with Christine coming to our home.  She’s the one with the problem.  We also do not have a problem going to her home.  When we have gone she goes into another room.  The last time Kierra had surgery she made it difficult for us to visit with Kierra.   She made a big stink about HER family and friends being there.  Well we are her family too!  Christine also wants to portray to her friends that she does it all.  So she doesn’t want us around when she is entertaining.  This is not about her, it’s all about Kierra.

The next day Husband had to pick up Kierra from school because she had a headache and couldn’t stop crying.  Kierra told me that she was tired of Christine getting upset with her about everything.  She said she is tired of the headaches.  I told her that she doesn’t have to keep all those emotions inside.  I told her that when things are really heavy in my heart I talk to God.  I go off in a quiet place and just talk to Him.  She could do the same and feel much better by letting it go.

Does Christine not care about Kierra’s health?  It doesn’t seem like it to me.  She is not concerned with her mental health either.  Kierra clings to us whenever she is over.  Friday night she layed on me all evening.  We ended up falling asleep on the couch and Husband had to wake us up to go to bed.  Whenever husband leaves to run errands she is right by his side.

Yesterday before she went home Kierra said she was looking forward to spring break.  My brother, his family, and my mom will be here.  She said she can not wait to see my nephews.  She also went on and on about doing different activites.  I just hope Christine doesn’t start in on her this week.  Kierra needs a break from the drama.

The Guilt Trip

So I was right! I knew there was no way that Christine was just going to be ok with Kierra leaving the hospital with us.

When Husband picked up Kierra for her weekday visit she told my husband about Christine trying to make her feel guilty for wanting to come to our house after she’s released from the hospital.

Christine sobbed to Kierra asking her why she just can’t come home with her and visit us later in the week. Kierra stood her ground and told Christine that was her time to be with her dad anyway for the spring break vacation.

Husband decided to call her to make sure Christine was aware that he would indeed exercise his right for spring break with Kierra. Christine was livid. She asked him why he was springing this on her now and why they didn’t have a discussion about it. Husband said that was what he was doing at that moment “having a discussion with her.” He also said that we just found out about the surgery two days ago and he was more concerned with the surgery than going back and forth with her about his rights.

Then Christine launched into her dramatics saying that he only called her at work because he knew she couldn’t talk. (She doesn’t know how to talk if things do not go her way. She yells curses and then hangs up the phone). Husband told her that if he would have called her at home she wouldn’t answer. And if one of the girls answered the phone she would not accept his call. (She only talks to him when she wants something). So calling her at her job was his only option.

Christine asked him why Kierra couldn’t go home with her. So he asked why she couldn’t come home with us. She went on and on about how she was off work and how she could take care of Kierra while we were at work. He let her know that everything had already been taken care of. He told her that I was off for spring break as well. Christine said that Kierra had went home with her the last time. He replied correct it was your weekend and there was no need to discuss who she was gong home with.

He said in this case you can not give me a valid reason why you want her to go with you instead of me. She just kept going on and on about how he was not right for calling her at work because she couldn’t say what she wanted to say. (In other words, she couldn’t scream profanities at him and slam the phone down in his ear).

Well Christine did just that minus the profanities.  She hung up on Husband after he made it clear that Kierra would come home with us.

Rattled Nerves! This is a long post…

Ok so I posted about Kierra’s upcoming surgery.  I have to go back to 10 months ago when Kierra had her first surgery.  This was a time when I thought things would get better for all of us. 

Husband and I went to her initial doctor’s appointment when we were told she would have to have surgery.  We arrived first and sat in the waiting area.  We talked quietly to ourselves.  When Kierra and Christine came in, Christine went to check in and Kierra came and sat with us.  When Christine finished filling out paperwork she sat on the other side of the waiting area. (Oh, did I mention that it’s no secret that Christine does not get along with us?)  We sat there for what seemed like forever before Kierra was called back.  Husband and I remained in the waiting room.

After a while Christine came out and called my Husband’s name.  We both stood and followed Christine to the examination room.  Inside the doctor talked to us about options for Kierra.  My husband and the doctor did most of the talking.  Christine stood next to Kierra stroking her hair.  Christine and Husband agreed on the date and everything was set.

Husband and I stepped out to give Kierra some privacy.  Christine and Kierra came out and received all the necessary paperwork for the surgery.  We all ended up on the elevator together and not one word was spoken amongst the adults.  Kierra talked to us as we were walking to the parking lot.

The morning of the surgery we arrived again before Christine and Kierra.  Kierra’s older sister and Christine’s ex-boyfriend came along as well.  Again Kierra sat with us on the oposite side of the waiting area until she was called back.  You could feel the negative energy floating around.  Christine did not like the fact that Kierra chose to sit with us.  When the nurse called Kierra’s name, Christine jumped up and rushed Kierra to her side in her trademark snippy voice.  Kierra was not amused by her mother’s actions.

The nurse took Kierra back and told us we would be able to join her after they prepped her for surgery. 

When the nurse called for Kierra’s family, Husband and I stood and walked over to the nurse.  Christine rushed up to her side and was agitated when her daughter and ex-boyfriend took their time getting out of their seats.  She spoke to me for the first time while we were waiting for her clan to follow us back to Kierra’s room.

Can you imagine how the scene looked to an outsider?  Everyone was tight-lipped.  You could feel the tension.

Kierra did the most talking making sure she held a conversation with everyone.  The nurse came in and explained the care needed during recovery.  Soon Kierra was taken back to the surgery room.

We all had to go back to the waiting area during the surgery.  Husband and I played a game.  We took turns writing a story.  I started with five lines and he had to write the next five.  As we waited we received calls from family and friend’s with their support and prayers.

At one point while waiting, I went into the lobby to take a call and to use the facilities.  While I was in the restroom Christine and her daughter came in.  Christine was crying and neither one said a word to me.  I finished washing my hands and went back to the waiting area.

Shortly thereafter the doctor called us to a small room to tell us how the surgery went.  Christine went towards the room.  Her Ex had stepped out.  She waited by the door impatiently waiting on him.  Husband and I went in and took a seat.  The Ex came back into the waiting area and Christine insisted that he come in with us.  He was very hesitant at first.

The doctor told us that the surgery was a success.  We went back to the waiting area to wait to be called back to see Kierra. 

Soon we were called and went back to her room.  Christine promptly went to Kierra’s side and kissed her all over her face.  Her daughter turned on the television to America’s Next Top Model.  After Christine finally sat down.  Husband and I went to her side.  Kierra was not fully awake and nodded in and out of sleep.  She could not leave the hospital until she was fully alert and had used the restroom.  When she did wake up Christine would not leave her alone and Kierra was very irritated.  Christine was somewhat annoyed when the Ex kept excusing himself from the room to take calls on his cell.

That was the most agonizing time of my life.  Christine was so obnoxious!  She made sure that she or her daughter did everything for Kierra while we were there. 

Several times Husband and her Ex had to step out.  During that time Husband got an earful of Christine’s drama.  (This is already so long, I’ll have to write another post about that.)

When it was time to leave we walked with the nurse to Christine’s car.  We gave Kierra our love and promised to come see her.  We went to get her some roses and met them at her house.  Christine stayed in the kitchen while we visited with Kierra.  We were there all of 15 minutes.

Later that evening I called to check on Kierra and asked if she wanted me to come over the next day to watch a movie with her.  Christine made sure to tell me that her family and friends would be over most of the weekend.  She told me that she would let me know when she no longer had company.  Do you think I ever received that phone call?  NOPE! 

I was surprised the next day when I called to check on Kierra that my sister-in-law was there.  She and Christine are arch enemies.  Kierra said that they had been there all day.

I was so hurt but quickly realized that nothing had changed.  Initally I thought this experience would help our relationship with Christine.  How wrong I was.  She is still the same.

That brings me to my rattled nerves.  We have to endure this mess all over again.  The difference this time is that Kierra will leave the hospital with us.  We know that Christine does not like this.  She called my husband being all nicey nice acting as if she is concerned about Kierra not seeing my brother and his family when they get in town.  My husband told her that it shouldn’t be a problem seeing as though Kierra will be with us anyway. 

In the back of my mind I have a feeling that Christine is going to make a fuss about her being the MOM and she needs to take care of Kierra as if we are not capable of doing so.  I called Morocco as soon as I got home.  I was so worked up about everything.  Thankfully she was there to listen to my rant and help to calm my nerves for the moment.

We’ll see.  Two more weeks, the countdown begins…

Kierra’s Unfortunate Events

Yesterday Kierra went to the doctor for her scheduled ultrasound.  She has to have another surgery.  The first one was ten months ago.  Kierra is really down about this.  She has had a series of unfortunate events (as she refers to things happening in her life at this point). 

A girl she knows at school stole her IPod Touch from her bag when she went to run an errand for the teacher.  A few of her classmates saw the girl with the IPod.  The girl’s locker was searched but the IPod never turned up.  Kierra said the girl was following her making comments about Kierra getting her in trouble.  I’m happy Kierra had enough sense to keep moving and not feed into her harassment.

Shortly thereafter her cell phone broke and had to be sent away to get fixed.  She went crazy that whole week without it. 

Last week Kierra attended a basketball game at her high school.  Their team hit the game winning shot at the buzzer.  She was trampled as spectators ran from the stands to congratulate the team.  In the process her glasses were broken.  She was pushed into the ropes and received a ropeburn to her neck.   She also suffered from headaches until she received new glasses because she couldn’t see.

A couple days ago she lost her cell phone.  We just used the insurance to replace her broken phone.  We will have to pay more money to  get a replacement.  So she will have to wait.  Husband said she needed to learn to take care of her things. 

Now she just learned that she has to have surgery the day after her birthday.  Kierra is not a happy camper right now. 

The bright side to the whole situation is that she will be with us.  Her surgery falls on the beginning of her spring break with us.  She was concerned that she would not be able to be with us and the posibility that she would not get to see my brother, his wife, and the kids when they arrive in town.  Husband assured her that she would indeed be with us unless Christine forces Kierra to stay with her.

I talked to Kierra on the phone last night for quite awhile.  My hopes were to lift her spirits about the surgery and all the happenings in her life.  We joked about my weak stomach.  She asked me how I was going to be able to take care of her when everything grosses me out.  I laughed and assured her that I could handle it.  If not, Nana (my mom who is a nurse) would be on hand.  Kierra laughed and called me a cheater. 

We also discussed possible ways to celebrate her birthday.  Kierra (who will be 15) wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese before the surgery was scheduled!  I told her that she could invite some of her friends over to watch movies and hang out with her for awhile and that next weekend we would go to Chuck E. Cheese if she was feeling up to it.

She seemed to be in better spirits by the end of our call.  I’m going to continue to lift her up.

The Little Things

I need to go back into my past so everyone will understand this post, (by the way this is still a touchy subject for me) but none the less, here goes anyway…

After I married my husband we started trying to get pregnant.  However, we were not having any luck.  I made an appointment to see my doctor after six months of trying.  I figured it may have something to do with my horrible cycles.  I have always had really bad cycles.  My then doctor never ran any tests to see if there was a problem.  It wasn’t until I changed doctors and insisted that my new doctor get to the bottom of my painful menstral cycles that they started taking my issues seriously.  Luckily for me she did and sent me to a specialist.

The specialist ran so many tests it seemed like I was at her office three times a month.  Finally I got the answers I had been searching for.  She found Endometriosis, cysts, and fibroids.  I had to go see the specialist every 3 months to get an ultrasound to check the status of the cysts and the fibroids.

The first surgery I had was to remove a cyst the size of a grapefruit.  That’s when she found the Endometriosis.  I was given medicine for the pain.  (Years later) The second surgery I had was to remove another cyst and both tubes because of scar tissue.  That’s when she found the fibroids.  A year later my fibroids had tripled in size.  My doctor gave me a few options but none of those seemed right for me.  My whole objection was to stop the pain and the growth of the cysts, fibroids, and the Endometriosis. 

 

 The only way to get rid of everything was to have a hysterectomy.  So I requested to have one.  My doctor did not want me to have the surgery because I was childless.  I had already given up on that dream a few years back when my tubes were removed.  She wanted to do Invetro.  I didn’t want to, too may complications.  My husband was very understanding and not at all selfish when I said I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had a partial last June and I have to say that I am so relieved I went ahead with the surgery.  No more painful cycles.  No more taking two days off work every month because I could not get out of bed.

My only sorrow was the fact that I did not have any biological children.

Oh, but isn’t God a great God?  He blessed me and my husband with Ian and Imani!

Today was Imani’s first day of school.  Ian goes in two days.  I was so emotional this morning when we dropped her off at preschool.

For the first time since being with my husband, I get to be and do what I want.  I don’t have that privilege with Kierra.  I took the kids to the doctor.  I registered them for school.  I took them school shopping.  I picked out Imani’s outfit for her first day of school.  I wrote Imani’s name on her green folder that goes in her book bag.  I picked out her blanket and pillow for nap-time. I get to set up parent/teacher conferences.  I get to go on their field trips.  I just get to be mom to two children that do not have a mom.  And in return they get to have a mom that does not have any children.

This may not seem like a big deal but it sure is to me.  It’s the little things that make all the difference to me.

Missing in Action

I have been missing in action from the site for a few weeks.  So much has been going on.

My job had me on special assignment away from my building for the last two and a half weeks.  As you know, Kierra also had surgery a couple of weeks ago.  Then the following Friday my 72-year-old grandmother had surgery. 

 

My grandmother’s doctor sent her to progressive care after surgery.  I talked to her on the phone Saturday afternoon.  By the time I got to the hospital Saturday evening, she was non-responsive.  I called for the nurse to come and check on her. The nurse said that my grandmother needed some rest.  I was not buying that explanation.  My grandmother is the type to say if she needed some rest and be blunt about it.

 

My cousin was there with me and called her mom.  So my two aunts came out to the hospital.  The nurse came back in and fed my aunts the same story.  They requested the doctor to call them as soon as possible.  The nurse noted it on the chart and we all left.

 

Sunday morning I got a call from my aunt.  She told me that my grandmother had a heart attack Saturday after we left.  The doctor moved her into intensive care and she was put on a respirator.  Things did not look good.  My aunt assured me that she would be alright and if there was any change she would call me.  Shortly thereafter my cousin called to tell me that everyone was on edge.  There were many arguments going on between my family members.  So I decided not to go to the hospital.

 

On Monday I went to visit her after work.  My cousin was there along with my uncle in the waiting area.  When I walked into her room, she was sitting up in bed.  I told her that I had been out there on Saturday.  She didn’t even remember that I had been there.  We talked for a little while and I was relieved that she was feeling better.

 

Tuesday my husband went to visit her while I stayed home with Ian and Imani.  He reported that she is doing well.  She was eating and cracking jokes.  It seems as though she is back to normal! 

 

 

 

A Brief Update

            Kierra’s surgery last Friday was successful and she is continuing to do well.  It was an awkward time due to the obvious lack of civility.  Kierra’s mom came with her oldest daughter and her male friend.  There was no conversation exchanged between most of the adults.  However, my husband and her friend did manage to talk while taking breaks in the lobby.  I was so uncomfortable with the way things were.  I mean, this would have been the perfect opportunity to pull together.  Apparently Kierra’s mom did not feel this way…to be continued.

A Heavy Heart

Yesterday I posted about Kierra’s doctor’s appointment and I wanted to provide an update.  She has to have surgery in two weeks.  She put on a happy face, being strong for her parents, all of us.  I have not had a chance to talk to her one on one yet; but I’m sure she is probably nervous about having this procedure done.

             Things pretty much went the way I assumed.  BM came in and didn’t speak or acknowledge our presence.  She sat on the opposite side of the waiting area.  As we waited for Kierra’s name to be called, Kierra and I shared a chair.  We talked quietly with my husband.  We also listened to some music on her I Pod. 

Finally Kierra’s name was called and and her and her mom went back.  About 15 minutes later, BM came out and called my husband’s name so we both went to talk to the doctor.  BM and Husband asked questions as I listened.  They agreed on the date for the surgery.  My husband and I left out to give Kierra some privacy to get dressed.

I had a chance to ask the doctor a few questions while waiting on Kierra and BM to come out.  When BM and Kierra did come out the nurse handed BM the necessary instructions and we all walked out together.  Kierra walked with us to the elevator and we all rode down to the first floor.  None of the adults spoke to each other.  Kierra did most of the talking.  We said our goodbyes (to Kierra) and gave her big hug.  The whole scene was very awkward.

Kierra has a lot to process right now.  She has been through so much dealing with her parents not getting along.  I feel as if this would be the perfect time for everyone involved to pull together for her benefit.  I know that is not going to happen.  My husband doesn’t feel the need to talk to BM (I can’t say that I blame him) because of all the problems she has caused.  And BM surely has her own agenda.  If something does not benefit her, she could care less.  That’s how I see it.  I was an emotional wreck last night.  Somehow I feel stuck in the middle, wanting to say something, but knowing I cannot.  I’m giving this situation over to God.  I cannot do this alone.