Tag Archives: relationships

Wives Behaving Badly

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I thought this article was thought provoking.  Sometimes we are guilty of this.  I remember when my husband would wash the dishes and leave water all over the counter.  That is what caught my attention–the water and not the perfectly washed dishes.

Let’s try speaking words of encouragement to our spouses and see things in the best light possible.  Remember Proverbs 15:4 A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

Ask Him

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Yesterday I started the following text conversation with Rhonda:

Me:  What do you think your husband likes about you?

Rhonda: He says I love with a big heart and I’m a caring person.

Me: Okay

Rhonda: Why do you ask?

Me: Just curious, you know how I get to pondering things, lol

Rhonda: Yeah, I know…lol

 A few hours later she texted again:

Rhonda: So I asked him what he liked about me after you sent that last text because I wanted to know if what he said had changed. We have been texting ever since. I’m glad we did. We were able to say some things that I believe we both needed to know. Thanks for getting the ball rolling! Love you!

Me: That is so awesome! You are welcome; it makes me happy hearing that! Love U2 girl!

Tonight ask your significant other what they love about you.  Ask in person, via text, over the phone, email, Skype, or in a letter.  Then tell him what you love about him!  It could be the start of something good…

Men @ Work

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No, I’m not talking about the Australian rock band, I’m alluding to the many men who have seemingly come out of  thin air to attract my attention.  I have been completely overwhelmed by the number of men vying for it.  Some, I’m sure, don’t have the purest of intentions.

A vast majority of my would-be suitors are people I work with.  I’m sorry, but I find this incredibly tacky considering that they know my situation.  It has only been four months for crying outloud!  I am really disturbed by their lack of decorum.  I am not interested in being pursued or going on any dates.  I know that I am not giving  them any signs to appraoch me; but  it hasn’t deterred them yet.

Here are a few of the said men who make their interest obvious:

  • The Headcase: If the world is indeed  a crazy place, then Eliza’s brother is the commander-in-chief!  How he would even have the audacity to think that I’d have him beats me!!!!  His arrogance is offensive!  In the words of Cher from the movie Clueless “As if!”
  • The Head Custodian: He is a handsome older man (mid 40’s) whom I have worked with the longest.  I am not interested.
  • The Substitute:  The female students and teachers alike describe him as gorgeous.  It’s crazy the reaction that he gets because I don’t find him good-looking and he is annoying to boot.  He is also a masseur.  I like “manly” men, not androgynous metrosexuals. I am not interested.
  • The Special Ed Teacher: Married, no need to say anymore (but if you let him tell it, he’s not happy at home, no sympathy found here!) I am not interested.
  • The Former Coworker: He is fair looking, but too intense for my liking.  He heard through the grapevine about  my husband’s death and attended the  funeral.  I am not interested.
  • The Neighbor: Married, no need to say anymore! I am not interested.
  • The School Police Officer: Older man, not my type.  He looks like Ving Rhames with a Caesar.  I am not interested.
  • The Mechanic: An older guy who seems nice enough. I’m not interested.
  • The Sheriff’s Deputy:  Another older guy (late 30’s early 40’s).  He is the same one who gave my battery a jump when my car wouldn’t start.  My husband and I knew him from our frequent appearances in family court.  He’s weird. I am not interested.
  • The Reverend: He is an older man who looks much younger than he is (66 to be exact) and was the same clergyman who baptized my husband as a child! He has not directly stated his intentions, but his actions (I relunctantly admit) do.  My friend Kara calls me “Shocked and Appalled” because some things that shouldn’t surprise me just do! I mean he is way too old for me, he knows my inlaws, he is a man of the cloth—-it’s too much for me to even ponder!  This one makes me the most uncomfortable.

 The bottom line is I am not interested!  I want to use this time to heal.  If I am meant to have another person in my life, I believe it will happen naturally.  At this point I am not seeking nor do I want to be saught.  Some men are disgusting creatures!

My Struggle

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I’ve been making my way through the New Testament and the resounding message in each book seems to be “love one another.”  Sounds simple, right?

While I’d like to say I love everyone, I know that I don’t.  I love those who love me which is easy to do.  The hard part is showing love to the ones who treat me bad or simply don’t deserve it.  Now I believe the Bible encourages us to be discerning about love.  Because you can love from a distance without getting yourself tangled in the mire or trampled on.  I love my brother, but I only deal with him on a “need to” basis and feed him with a long-handled spoon.  I show  love by taking care of Jazmine.

Right now I am having a hard time displaying neighborly love toward all.  I don’t love (or even respect) most of the people I work with.  Eliza and her family–forget about it.  And there’s no love lost between my husband’s middle sister and I.  Then there’s the weird family that lives next door to us.  Nor can I feel any affection for the many yahoos that seem to flock my way.  I try not to think about such unpleasantries but I can’t deny that feelings of animosity and bitterness live in me.

I imagine reaching this plateau would involve humbling one’s self.  Thus, I guess my first lesson lies in humility. I have so much work to do!

Peninsula

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Wetness all around me/True/But I’m no island/Peninsula maybe/Makes no sense/I know/Crazy ~Andre 3000

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of  the continent ~John Donne

For none of us lives to himself… ~Romans 14:7

As strange as it may sound, I pretty much live a life of seclusion.  In fact, one of my most outspoken students refers to me as “a secret.”  It probably doesn’t seem this way considering that I have a blog and post about many private matters. 

But I ‘ve been like this as long as I can remember.  If I really reflect on this side of myself, I know that it is rooted in rejection, fear, longing, and loss.

In some respects I enjoy my sheltered existence.  It limits me from dealing with fickle, crazy, cruel people.  My “island like” behavior serves to protect me from these things.  I was comfortable and safe with the world I had–my husband and my kids.  I could have lived this way forever.

On the other hand, it prevents me from enjoying the fullness of life.  When you are afraid to love or live for the fear of getting hurt or rejected, how can you seize the day? I’m gradually learning that it is okay toallow people into my realm.  It really does make the tempests of life more bearable. 

Life is lonely for me right now.  It’s only when things go wrong that you realize this.  You crave human contact and relationships.  What you once perceived as paradise can turn into a deserted dwelling.  And I don’t believe that God intended for us to live to ourselves.

Change is hard.  I am not quite ready to abandon my island living.  Maybe I am a parrothead at heart!  However, I know that I can’t exist solely to myself.  It’s just not healthy.  So I’m upgrading to a beachfront peninsula!  It’s a small step in the right direction.  I will be connected to others, yet I can retreat unto myself when desired. 

In my own way I am reaching back to those who are stretching themselves to be apart of my life.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

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Speaking in general terms, we all want the good things in life.  We don’t want to experience any valleys.  Forget waiting–we want the good times to roll ASAP!

I know this is true for me, especially as a stepmom.  Dealing with Eliza, there has been a whole lot of bad and ugly.  I am ready for the good part.  My relationship with Ethan is still the same.  It has been two years and it really has not gotten any better.  He continues to be distant and rude.  It is not for a lack of trying on my part.  In this case it does take two to tango. 

 I’m sure he is aloof for a variety of reasons:

  • He misses his mom and I am a reminder that his mom is not available
  • He has been trained not to like me
  • He is a teenager
  • He has limited interpersonal skills (a few of his teachers have mentioned this)
  • He misses Evan and his other brother
  • He does not put any effort forth to be a part of our family
  • He is used to being in an environment in which there was little parental supervision
  • He wants to remain the same for Eliza

I have signed him up for counseling.  He rarely speaks, so I have no idea what is going on in his head.  He talks to Nicholas and does okay (barely) with my husband. 

I feel like I am living with a hostile stranger.  Yes, I have tried bonding with him.  Yes, my husband has tried talking to him on several occassions.  Yes, we make an effort to make him feel welcome.  I know it may take time, but my goodness, its been two years! 

I know in a family that you must take the good with the bad and the ugly.  That’s just what families do, yet I am having a hard time doing this.