Category Archives: Regression

Visiting Her

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Saturday marked the 10th visit that I have escorted Ethan on to visit his mom.  It also marked the most uncomfortable one.

Ethan and I didn’t have to wait long for her to come out.  Eliza was on time because she was called to the visit from her culinary arts class.  This time I didn’t get out of my seat to hug her.  She didn’t make her way over to my chair to hug me either.

She appeared a little surprised to see us because we did not visit on the day they we normally do.  Eliza gave me a half-hearted smile as she signed in at the desk.  I don’t think she was prepared for a visit.  Usually that’s why it takes so long for her to come out because she spends about an hour and a half getting ready.  Her hair was pulled in a simple ponytail (no bells and whistles) and her face was free of vivid eyeshadow and mascara. 

Eliza seemed embarrassed to be “caught” not looking her best.  She kept her head down most of the visit and made little eye contact with me.  She even gave an explanation for her appearance saying that her hair was frizzy from working in the garden on the previous day. 

We played card games and ate snacks.  Mother and son did most of the talking as I said very little.  I gave her an update on Evan and added a few remarks here and there, but that was basically it. 

I think I was sulking a little.  I was polite yet reserved.  Just being in the prison was a reminder of how she failed to notify me about the lockdown.  I recalled reading comments on the prison message board from posters who had received letters from friends and family warning them of the situation.   Once again I was stung by her discourtesy.   

When Eliza mentioned the woman who escaped (providing Ethan with a detailed version including how she knitted herself an entire outfit to escape in), I used the opportunity to let her know that I had planned to bring Ethan down that very weekend.  I explained that it was Tasha who had informed me of the restriction–saving me time and gas.  I told her that I appreciated Tasha’s thoughtfulness.

I hope that she read between the lines.  I did not want to address the matter directly because I did not want to air our issues in front of Ethan.  Nor did I feel like writing her a letter  beforehand to request that she share these minute occurences with me.  I just want her to grow up.

I could write her for future reference (in the event that it never occurred to her to inform me) and request that she keep me abreast of anything that might affect our monthly visits.  However,  I’m not sure that she would comply anyways.

At the end of the visit she hugged Ethan goodbye.  I inched far away from the table because I did not feel like hugging her.  However, Eliza walked around the table so she could hug me.  I was a little surprised because if she would have read my body language she would have known that I wasn’t up for it.  Maybe she felt bad. 

Maybe I am too sensitive.

My fellow blogger friend Stacy wrote a great a post about hug therapy.  It made me realize that I do need to hug her.  She wrote There are actual health benefits to hugging.  According to one article, we need 8 hugs a day for maintenance and 12 hugs a day for growth.  Two other articles expressed that hugging lowers blood pressure and reduces stress.  In the third article, I read, it talked about how being hugged makes us feel accepted and compassion.  These emotions tend to make us feel more relaxed and improve our attitude. 

Maybe one day my warm hugs will melt the polar region of her heart.

A Matter of Courtesy

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The prison in which Eliza is serving her time is on lockdown.  An inmate escaped with the assistance of a guard eight days ago and is still on the run.

 

One would think that since I take the boys down for monthly visits, that out of deference, Eliza would have informed me of this.  I would have been steamed had I driven four hours round trip for her August visit and not been allowed.

 

Jazmine’s mom wrote today warning me of the lockdown.  Eliza also wrote the boys today, too.  She very well could have included a note for me to share this information. 

 

I do not watch the news on a regular basis and missed the airing of the escape.  It was actually Tasha who informed me of this—go figure!  She said she watched the broadcast to make sure that the escapee wasn’t Eliza coming to do me harm!!!

 

I have called only a couple of times before driving down, but honestly, most of the time I don’t think about it or I just forget to do so.

 

Courtesy, it is as simple as that.  But sadly, I think once again, I am expecting more than she is willing to give.

 

The Message

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I am a bit upset with Eliza.   Here’s why.  She called tonight at 7:11pm to speak with Ethan via third party call (her 11-year-old son from another relationship made the call).  The call was disconnected a few minutes later.  I wasn’t even aware that she had called because I was very busy grading final exams.  My husband was watching a movie, so Ethan answered the call.  It was only when I took a bathroom break that I heard Ethan saying hello repeatedly, so I asked if something was wrong with the phone.  He then told me how it just cut off in the middle of his conversation.  Therefore I assumed that one of three things had to be responsible.  One, the prison detected that she was on a third party call, which is a big no-no (how else is Correctional Billing going to make millions of dollars?), two, it had been raining a lot and often during heavy rain our phones act like this, or three, the battery needed charging.  The culprit was a dead battery.  Eliza left the following message on our home voicemail:  This is Eliza and I’m calling to speak with Ethan.  I was just talking to Ethan.  I don’t know why our phone call was disconnected umm…I, I‘ve been trying to talk to him per court order.  We also need to arrange a time, too for me to be able to speak with Evan as well.  I know that the hours differ where he is, but I also need to speak with him as well. I don’t know what happened today umm… Morocco, please write me and let me know what is going on.  I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you and have a blessed day.  When I turned on my cell phone this morning I checked to see if I had any messages.  Eliza had left a version of this same message on my cell phone.

 

I was bothered by this message for several reasons.  The first being that I felt she was implying that my husband or I ended the call.  Even though it was especially bold of her to leave the message when she obviously called outside of the time set by the judge.  Nor do we need a reminder that there is a court order in place.  My husband has had many court orders granted to see his children, yet she failed to comply with any of them.

 

Secondly, six months ago while in prison, she did take my husband to court for visitation rights.  During this hearing she was granted only two requests from her long list of demands; visits once per month for two hours and the right to call on Wednesdays between the hours of 4-6pm.  The judge was very adamant that she stay within the timeframe that he set.   He even stated that he knew third party calls were illegal to make in prison, and that if she got caught and was “thrown into solitary confinement for it,” it was her problem not my husband’s.  He also told her that he didn’t care if she called using “pigeons” or “smoke and mirrors,” but she was not allowed to call our home collect.  He actually wrote in the order that my husband was NOT to accept any of her calls.  We did not inform the judge that the kids witnessed the murder.  In fact, after the hearing we stood around talking with our attorney and the court clerk.  They both agreed had the judge known what they had witnessed while in her care, he would have never even granted her the monthly visits.  And I am to blame.  I am the one who pushed for her to get to see them and my husband reluctantly agreed not to make it an issue in court.        

 

Next, I disliked the fact she felt free to leave this message while her eleven year-old son was on the phone.  He should not be exposed to adult affairs.

 

Finally, she can’t demand to speak to Evan.  She has no way to do this because she is not listed on any of his paperwork for starters.  The residential facility/psychiatric hospital that he is in does not accept collect prison calls.  Furthermore, his psychiatrist does not think his fragile mind can handle interacting with her until he is more stabilized. The petition she filed acknowledges …if visitation might significantly impair the child’s emotional development, the court may deny visitation rights in the best interest of the child.

 

I’ve already had this conversation with her! And then Morocco, please write me and let me know what is going on what nerve!!!  I don’t owe her any explanations! She is the one who should write ME and let me know what is going on in HER warped head!

 

I am just bothered by her message.  Her tone was both demanding and martyrish…she sounded exactly like the old Eliza.  I almost feel betrayed.   Of course I talked to Rhonda because I was so upset. She felt that Eliza is probably under a lot of stress, especially with Mother’s Day approaching.  So should I just chalk this one up to that time of the month—meaning M-Day?  Here lately I have been examining things From All Angles, so I am going to try and understand this.  I’m already struggling.     

                                                                                                                       

I am so ticked that I am considering not sending her the Mother’s Day care package that I put together for her.  I know I should do anyway and I most likely will.  But she is so inappropriate and inconsiderate at times that it annoys me to no end.  Why bend over backwards for a person like that?  Since she is acting like the old Eliza, maybe I should act like the old Morocco.  Folks, I feel a regression coming on…sigh.

 

 

 

 

Fed Up!

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A few weeks back my husband received a call from BM with an update about Kierra’s doctor visit.  Kierra had been complaining of chest pains and her doctor had referred her to a specialist.  Well, today is her scheduled appointment and my husband asked me to go with him.  This will be the fist time all have attended a doctor’s visit together.  I had considered calling BM to break the ice before going.  I wanted to avoid feeling awkward. But something happened last Wednesday that caused me to change my mind.

As we are finishing dinner the phone rang and I answered.   It was BM.  She asked me to tell Kierra that she was on her way.  Then she asked if my husband was home.  I handed him the phone and his expression instantly turned serious. All of a sudden he stormed out of the house.  I figured something was wrong because BM sounded frantic when I answered the phone.  When he came back in, it was clear that he was upset.  He then told me that BM was calling to confront him.  Apparently some kid that goes to her oldest daughter’s school told her daughter that my husband was talking about her at his place of business.  Instead of consoling her daughter and assuring her that husband wouldn’t do anything like that, BM added fuel to the fire. 

BM was hollering and screaming that she has a right to call him and complain about what he supposedly said.  She had already assumed that this kid was telling the truth.  My husband told her not to call him unless it concerned Kierra.  The next day he talked to her oldest daughter.  She told my husband what the boy said.  It seems as though BM had added more lies to the pot.

A while back Kierra and her sister had a two hour delay from school.  BM called our home asking my husband to take Kierra to school because the bus didn’t show up.  Husband asks BM if she wanted him to take Kierra’s sister as well.  BM told my husband that she already had a ride.  So when my husband got there, he questioned Kierra about missing the bus and found out that they just didn’t want to go to school.  So he told the sister to get in the car and he was taking her to school, too.  He then called BM to tell her that THEY were being sneaky.  BM went into this story of how her oldest daughter loves school and Kierra is the one that doesn’t like school.  So husband dropped it.

BM had apparently mixed that conversation into what this boy said and made it a big mess.  Because of this, my husband does not want to talk to her at all.  She constantly makes up these stories for no reason.

On Saturday Kierra called my husband and said that BM wants to know if “Kierra” could borrow $20 for her co-pay.  My husband told Kierra that BM needed to write a check.  Yesterday, Kierra called her dad and said that BM wanted to talk to him.  She went into this story about how she doesn’t have any money because she has to give the girls lunch money for school.  (Last week Kierra called my husband wanting to know if he could give her money for lunch because BM didn’t have any money.  He gave Kierra money for lunch.)  She went on and on about she needed the little money she had to feed the kids and for gas.  He told her that she had three weeks to prepare for Kierra’s appointment and that he had to think about it. 

$20 is really no big deal but it is the principle of the matter.  He just gave Kierra money for lunch.  He is so fed up with BM right now.  He said he would pay the co-pay himself and get the receipt.  I’m sure BM will have nothing to say to either of us today.