Like a Good Neighbor

Last night I had the biggest scare of my life! While preparing dinner I realized that I must have left a bag of groceries in the car.  My macaroni was boiling on the stove so I ran out to the car to get the bag that contained the Velveeta.

Che was in the middle of the livingroom playing with toys.  Nicholas was at basketball practice.  I pulled the door up so the cold air wouldn’t get in.  Can you believe that the door was completely closed when I returned!  The baby must have closed the  locked door! I stood paralyzed with fear for a few seconds before I thought to check the windows.  I walked around the house with no luck.  Every window was shut tight.

I had the garage  opener in the car but that was useless considering that the door leading into the house was locked as well.  I was out in the cold with no cell phone and no way to get back inside.  I considered breaking a window but there was not a brick or stick in sight.

I surveyed my neighbors trying to decide who I could approach for help.  Since moving in, only one of them extended welcome.  I settled on the neighbors across the street but no one answered.  Then a car pulled into the driveway two doors from ours. 

I timidly asked to use the phone and explained my situation.  I felt embarrassed at my irresponsibility.  I was also unsure if they would help considering it can be unsafe to assist anyone now days.  I was planning on calling the fire department.  A locksmith would have taken far too long. I didn’t know what else to do.

They immediately moved to action.  “We’ll help you get to your baby.” Nancy said.  She ordered her two teen daughters and her husband to head to my house while she slipped on her house shoes.  She was clad in a bathrobe.

A few seconds later she had her daughters check the windows.  We could her Che inside whimpering.  John delivered a commando style kick to the door and we were in!Instantly I ran to my cub who was very curious about the neighbors.

They stayed for a few minutes playing with baby.  After the family left I called my cousin who promptly came over to repair the splintered frame.  The damage was actually minimal. 

“OMGeeeee!” as one of my student is so fond of saying!  I felt a mixture of emotions: overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers, upset with myself for failing to unlock the door, and  immense relief that Che was okay!

Today I plan to leave a token of my appreciation on their door.

4 1/2 More

On a hunch, I checked Jazmine’s mom release status and to my dismay, she had a new date: April 7, 2010!

Oddly enough I have been pretty calm about the matter. I have enough overwhelming my mind at the present time and I can’t worry about this. I am going to trust that God will see me through.  I have to believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

Every Room Needs a Mom

For the last few months I have served as the “room mom” for Nicholas’ grade.  I wish I had a room parent for my own classroom!  Some of my responsibilities include:

• Calling and emailing parents for various reasons
• Designing and decorating bulletin boards
• Providing snacks and treats
• Organizing parties
• Coordinating volunteers
• Teaching “special” lessons

This allows me to contribute without taking too much time from work.  But our  school breaks are different from my son’s which gives me the ability to use a portion of my vacation to do some hands on work.  I also collect BoxTops for education.  What are ways in which you participate in your child’s education?

Obama Mama

When Nicholas was in the third grade he had to select a famous Black American to represent in a “living history museum” for Black History month.  He wanted to do Colin Powell…again. 

I had just finished reading Dreams From My Father by Senator Barack Obama and was really impressed with his candor and eloquence.   I suggested him. 

After doing the research Nicholas was impressed as well.  His presentation was a big hit.  Later his teacher pulled me aside and expressed her curiousity about how Nicholas came to present him.  I told her that I recommended him after reading his autobiography.

I am excited about Obama coming to office.  I believe he is truly dedicated to the job of making America better for us all.  This simple act of Americans joining together to vote him as president shows that anything is possible.  I know that he will be under a lot of scutiny, but I believe he can handle the pressure.  He deserves the same opportunity as anyone else to do the job.

My focus is not so much on him being the first Black president.  That fact is the cherry on top and it makes his victory much more sweeter.  However, I am more buoyed by his poise, plans for America, intelligence, and great potential to lead the country.

Nicholas attends a school in which there is not a single person of color on the teaching or administrative staff.  In fact, there are only two Black women in non-licensed positions that work there.  The student body is very diverse, so it seems that the staff would mirror this.  It seems strange to me that in this day and age that places/schools/attitudes like this still exist.  I often wonder what message this sends to my son and the rest of the kids? 

I feel fortunate that my son has the opportunity to witness someone such as Barack having the opportunity to be president.  I have always told Nicholas that he could be anything he wanted to be.  Now I know he can!  This morning his was elated by the knowledge of Barack’s win.  So was I.

Eliza the Stepmom

Sometimes I think about the fact that Eliza is a stepmom just like me.  So I wonder why she is so difficult to deal with? It seems that she would be much more understanding of my role considering that she knows what it is like.

Her husband, whom she married in 2005, has three children.  The youngest one is currently three-years-old.  I know Eliza had a lot of problems interacting with his youngest son’s mom as well as his daughter’s mother.  His oldest son lived with them for a few months because his mom was in jail.  He  called Eliza “mommy.” 

Ethan and Evan did not seem to like their stepbrother much, Ethan more so than Evan.  I think Evan was being a follower.  Ethan did not like the fact that he called Eliza “mommy.”  Ethan is very jealous and territorial of her.  They also mentioned that Eliza thought he was “bad” and was allowed to discipline him.

Knowing how Eliza always wanted a girl, I think she was pretty nice to her stepdaughter who was six-years-old at the time.

Shortly thereafter, it was discovered that her nine-year-old stepson was molesting the boys.  I can only imagine how she must have felt as a mom.  I do empathize with the fact that she was in a delicate position.  I was concerned about my stepsons and also felt sorry for the child because he was a victim himself a year prior.

We happened to find out about the situation two months later through a third party.  We confirmed the story with CPS and after a few weeks we received temporary custody.  Eliza was furious! 

While in our care she wrote the boys a letter telling them that her stepson would never be allowed in their lives again.  However, she and her husband married six weeks after the boys were placed back in her care.

Eliza shared her perspective of this event with me the last time I visited her alone.  She confessed that she knew it was wrong to hate a child but she couldn’t stop from doing so.  She acknowledged that he even apologized to her saying Mommy, mommy, I’m so sorry!  I already knew that he called her “mommy,” but I was surprised to hear her admit it.  Eliza would not allow the boys to acknowledge that I was married to their dad.  Even after the fact she had them refer to me as “Daddy’s girlfriend.”

She was so adamant that her boys not call me anything other than Morocco.  I thought it was pretty hypocritical of her.  Eliza even went as far as lecturing Evan about never referring to me as this.  She warned, You only have one Mommy.  Don’t ever call anyone but me Mommy.  She many left voicemails that always began with This is Ethan and Evan’s Mommy, with a heavy emphasis on the M-word.

I took the opportunity to reply, so he called you Mommy?!”  She knew the question was loaded and read between the lines. She replied halfheartedly Yes, but that’s because I’ve known him for a long time.  Funny, but she’s known him the same length of time that I have known her boys.

The boys revealed that their stepbrother spent the night with them once briefly after the case.  During this time Eliza did not speak to him and made him wait on the porch while she argued with his dad about him. When she fixed dinner that night she did not fix his plate, her husband had to do it. Ethan was proud to tell this story.  He saw it as Eliza standing up for them.

I am really not surprised at the kind of stepmom she is.  Eliza has so many insecurity issues that she views almost everyone as being a threat to her in some form or fashion.  Her other son has a stepmom, too.  I’ve heard that she has no problems with this stepmom.  But that stems from the fact that she is the puppet master controlling her other son’s father.  Eliza was also still involved with him during their relationship.  It’s really crazy that his wife is okay (I am assuming that she is) with this behavior.  There are three people in that relationship–and Eliza is one of them.

Compared to the other stepmom in her life, I’d bet she thinks that I don’t “know my place.”  I see it differently–I just refuse to let her run my household.

We have both struggled in our walks as stepmoms.  I think this would be a powerful way to learn from each other and offer support.  Unfortunately, she is not thinking what I am thinking.

Who’s the Boss?

Imani and I had an interesting but funny conversation the other day. 

I heard her singing extremely loud (I wonder where she got that from) in the bathroom while washing her hands.  She was singing the ABC song really slow.  I told her to hurry up and come out.  Instead of turning the water off when I told her to come out she had to finish the song.

I asked her what she was doing.  She told me that her teacher said that she had to sing the ABC song when she washes her hands.  That’s fine except Imani likes to play in water.  So of course she is taking full advantage of her teacher’s instructions.

I told her that it was ok to sing the song while washing her hands, maybe only at school.  I did not want to tell her not to sing the song at all but I do not want her playing in water all day.  She will use any excuse to play in water.

We discussed who is in charge at school and at home.  She told me that her teacher was the boss at school.  And that Mommy and Daddy are the bosses at home. 

Then she says, “Mommy you’re the biggest boss!”

I couldn’t do anything but laugh.  I’m the drill sergeant in my house.  Maybe I need to lighten up a bit!  LOL!

My Names

Nicholas usually calls me Mom.  Sometimes he calls me Mama or Mommy. 

Mom reminds me that he is growing up.

I love it best when he calls me Mommy.  It makes me reminisce about his baby days.  But it is equally sweet when he calls me Mama.  I picture myself as a Mama bear, and he of course, is my little cub. 

He has created nicknames for me–“Mother-of-Pearl” and “Mutter” (mother in German).  Lately he has been calling me “Mother Goose” and “Mama Mia.”

Jazmine calls me “Mymom.”  She oftens hears Nicholas referring to me in this manner.

To my husband I am “Baby” or “Boobie” and sometimes “Moroccan.”

Evan and Ethan know me simply as Morocco.  But on occassion, Evan has called me Mommy, Mom, and/or Stepmama.

Which do you prefer?  Do your children have any pet names for you?

Single Parents

This one may be a touchy subject but I have to say what I feel.  Remember, this MY OPINION!

Morocco and I were discussing a situation and during our conversation the topic of single parents came up.

Let me go back to my childhood.  I considered my mom to be a single parent, although I know my father.  He was married to my mother until I was 11.  They were separated for a few years before that.  He met a woman, married her and then was not in my life.  Yeah I saw him sporadically.  But he did NOTHING to help my mother raise me and my brother.  Oh he would make many promises but that was all he offered.  I am 34 years old and he still owes my mom child support!  And I still do not see him or hear from him often.  Like I said before my dealings with him are sporadic.

So for a major part of my life I had no father.  He did not attend any of my school functions.  He did not call.  He did not come to see us.  Nothing!  When I was about 17 he and his wife had a daughter.  Then he wanted to show up and show off.  I was not feeling it.  My brother went to visit but I kept my distance for awhile. 

Curiousity won the battle.  I wanted to see how he lived.  His wife had two boys from previous relationships.  They called my father Dad.  I was so hurt by this.  Not because they referred to him as Dad but because they knew him as Dad–if that makes sense? 

What exactly is a single parent?  I hear a lot of women say they are single parents and that they do everything by themselves.  I have a HUGE problem with this statement.  When I think of a single parent I picture a person doing Everything on their own.  Whether it be a mom or dad.

Maybe mom or dad is deceased.  Maybe the mom or dad just took off and never looked back.  Maybe the dad doesn’t know that he even has a child.  Maybe the mom made darn sure the father is not in the child’s life.

There could be a number of reasons why a person could be considered a single parent.  But I feel as though if both parents ARE in the child’s life (not together) and supporting the child, financially and emotionally, that they are NOT single parents! 

Anyway back to my rant…

My mom worked hard to make sure we had necessities, with no help from my father.  So I feel as though she has a right to say that she was a single parent.  Although I have not heard her refer to herself as a single parent.  She did what she had to do to raise us.

Then I hear women (like Christine and Eliza) rant and rave as if they are the ONLY ones doing and helping raise their children when there is a father in the picture.  One that goes above and beyond child support for thier kids.  I’m sorry but I don’t see that being single parenting.

Again, this is my opinion!

The Little Things

I need to go back into my past so everyone will understand this post, (by the way this is still a touchy subject for me) but none the less, here goes anyway…

After I married my husband we started trying to get pregnant.  However, we were not having any luck.  I made an appointment to see my doctor after six months of trying.  I figured it may have something to do with my horrible cycles.  I have always had really bad cycles.  My then doctor never ran any tests to see if there was a problem.  It wasn’t until I changed doctors and insisted that my new doctor get to the bottom of my painful menstral cycles that they started taking my issues seriously.  Luckily for me she did and sent me to a specialist.

The specialist ran so many tests it seemed like I was at her office three times a month.  Finally I got the answers I had been searching for.  She found Endometriosis, cysts, and fibroids.  I had to go see the specialist every 3 months to get an ultrasound to check the status of the cysts and the fibroids.

The first surgery I had was to remove a cyst the size of a grapefruit.  That’s when she found the Endometriosis.  I was given medicine for the pain.  (Years later) The second surgery I had was to remove another cyst and both tubes because of scar tissue.  That’s when she found the fibroids.  A year later my fibroids had tripled in size.  My doctor gave me a few options but none of those seemed right for me.  My whole objection was to stop the pain and the growth of the cysts, fibroids, and the Endometriosis. 

 

 The only way to get rid of everything was to have a hysterectomy.  So I requested to have one.  My doctor did not want me to have the surgery because I was childless.  I had already given up on that dream a few years back when my tubes were removed.  She wanted to do Invetro.  I didn’t want to, too may complications.  My husband was very understanding and not at all selfish when I said I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had a partial last June and I have to say that I am so relieved I went ahead with the surgery.  No more painful cycles.  No more taking two days off work every month because I could not get out of bed.

My only sorrow was the fact that I did not have any biological children.

Oh, but isn’t God a great God?  He blessed me and my husband with Ian and Imani!

Today was Imani’s first day of school.  Ian goes in two days.  I was so emotional this morning when we dropped her off at preschool.

For the first time since being with my husband, I get to be and do what I want.  I don’t have that privilege with Kierra.  I took the kids to the doctor.  I registered them for school.  I took them school shopping.  I picked out Imani’s outfit for her first day of school.  I wrote Imani’s name on her green folder that goes in her book bag.  I picked out her blanket and pillow for nap-time. I get to set up parent/teacher conferences.  I get to go on their field trips.  I just get to be mom to two children that do not have a mom.  And in return they get to have a mom that does not have any children.

This may not seem like a big deal but it sure is to me.  It’s the little things that make all the difference to me.

The Visitor

Kierra has been really moody lately.  When she is in one of her moods I remove myself from the scene and find something else to do.  The other day she started complaining about her stomach hurting.  Right then and there the AHA light came on and I told her that she probably would be starting her cycle soon.   Sure enough the very next day The Visitor arrived.  My husband and I were cheesing at her the whole day.

We were at the salon when The Visitor first appeared.  I could not leave my clients to take her home to get cleaned up.  So I asked Kierra if she had talked to her mom she could come and get her.  Kierra had tried calling her earlier in the day but she was not answering the phone.  When we couldn’t reach BM I got busy calling around to see if someone could pick her up.  I finally reached my grandmother and she came to take Kierra home.  In the meantime BM called Kierra back and Kierra told her what was going on.

BM is now pissed off because she was not “available” to be there when The Visitor arrived.  She is not talking to Kierra, only having her oldest daughter relay messages back and forth between the two of them.  She was even upset that Kierra did not go to her house.  She told Kierra that our house was further away from the salon than hers.  Then she suggested that she bring Kierra some things to the salon.  Kierra wanted to go home to get cleaned up.  I felt so sorry for Kierra.  Here she is reaching womanhood and her mom is pissed because she was not there when it happened.  I understand the BM being upset because she wasn’t present when The Visitor came, but my goodness.  NO ONE can control mother nature.  She would not speak to Kierra the rest of the day.

When I was finished at the salon, I took Kierra to Walmart to get her some things.  She asked a lot of questions.  We talked all through the store and she was happy I was there for her.  I asked if she wanted to go see her mom for awhile.  Kierra said that her mom was not speaking to her and she didn’t care if she did or not.

Later Kierra went to a party at her friend’s house.  She seemed to be in good spirits given the circumstances.  She said that her mom had her sister call to see if my husband was taking Kierra to register for school the next day.  She still would not talk to Kierra.

The next morning her mom called to talk to her about cramps and to tell her that registration was from 2-4pm.  I figured that her mom would keep Kierra for a while after registration to spend some time with her.  NOT!  After registration Kierra was back at home with us.  I asked Kierra if she talked to her mom and she said that they only talked about school.  UNBELIEVABLE!!!  Like I said before no one can control mother nature.  Not even the BM!!!