For Once!

Fisrt off I would like to thank everyone for the uplifting comments on Just Once…  It really meant a great deal to me.

I was feeling pretty down this past week.  Husband was ill and I put him in quarantine  in our bedroom so the rest of us wouldn’t get sick.  Ian and Imani kept asking for him.  They were not used to him being holed up where they couldn’t interact with him.  I just couldn’t risk everyone getting sick at the same time.

Friday I picked up Kierra for the weekend.  That’s right Kierra was over until Sunday evening.  I couldn’t believe it but it happened!

Saturday I worked most of the day.  My grandmother kept the kids for us and Kierra went to a birthday party. 

Sunday morning I cried and cried.  Not because I was upset about my situation.  I was crying because for once everything was okay.  Husband had a long conversation about everyday being Mother’s Day.  He told me over and over how much I was loved.  How he was so happy that I was his wife and mother to all of his children.  He told me that I had a special heart.  That I love and take care of children that I do not have any obligation to take care of.  He expressed how he falls in love with me over and over again because of who I am.  He told me to enjoy my day and not to worry about him.  He would take care of himself.  So you see why I cried so much?

The kids and I got dressed and took off for the mall.  We ate lunch at Houlihan’s.  Then we stopped at my brother’s for awhile.  When we came home I checked on Husbandand made sure he was alright.

Since Husband was sick he didn’t get to take the kids to get me anything for Mother’s Day.  Little did I know, he gave Kierra money to buy cards from the three of them and if I found anything that I liked to buy that, too.  Shortly after we arrived home they all presented me with cards that they picked out themselves, without any help from Husband.  They were so beautiful.  Especially the one from Kierra.  I started crying all over again! 

Aside from Husband being sick my Mother’s Day was great!  No worries, no drama, no sadness…For Once!

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Just Once…

This is going to be hard, I have never written about my situation before now.  At any rate I think I have finally come to terms with this, so here goes…

Since I have been married, Mother’s Day has always been a sad day for me.  The reason being, I was not a mother.  Husband and I tried to conceive to no avail.  I was tested and tested again and again.  Husband and I went through proceedure after proceedure.   I had three surgeries and in 2007 I had the last one.  The one that sealed my fate.  No biological children for me. 

I met with my doctor numerous times to discuss other options.  For me there were no other options.  I was  exhausted by the poking, prodding, and not to mention the unbearable pain.  Husband was very supportive.  I thought I was fine.  Deep down I wasn’t.  Little did I know I went through a great depression.  At the time my mother-in-law was dying of cancer.  It was all too much on me. 

My marriage suffered a little because I felt like Husband didn’t understand what I was going through.  He had a child, a biological child.  He couldn’t possibly understand how I felt.  We tried our best to deal with everything going on.  I just wanted it all to go away.  At the time it was too great a loss, my unborn children and the death of my mother-in-law.

 Mother’s Day in 2008 was the worst ever.  I tried to put on a happy face but deep inside I was screaming for the emotional pain to stop.

My mother sent me wonderful cards telling me that I am a mother figure to the children I work with at school.  I am a mother to Kierra.  I am a mother to all of my Godchildren.  My mother-in-law gave me the greatest gift of all…Ian and Imani.  Even Husband praised me to the high heavens how grateful he was to have me as Kierra’s stepmother and now the mother of our inherited children. 

Even with all the praise it was hard for me to accept.  I felt like I was not a mother.  I had not given birth to any of these children.  Of course I love each and everyone of them but still I felt an emptiness.

Mother’s Day is just around the corner I was starting to feel this same emptiness.  Why was I feeling this way?  Ian and Imani have been a huge blessing in my life.  They are with Husband and I fulltime. I do not have to go back and forth with another parent as to what is best for their child.  So where are these feelings coming from?  I don’t know…

Yesterday, while reading Tiff, Taff, and Lulu to Ian and Imani I felt at peace.  I finally felt that empty feeling slipping away.  We were sitting on the couch together.  Ian had his head on my shoulder.  Out of no where he says, “Mommy guess what?  I made you something for Mother’s Day at school.”  I heard Husband yell from the other room that it was supposed to be a surprise.  Ian said, “I’m excited and can’t wait until Sunday.”  Wow….I needed that!

Not to long after that Husband yelled from our bedroom, “Guess what?  Kierra is coming over this weekend.”  I of course shook my head and asked if she remembered that this was Mother’s Day weekend.  He told me that she knew and Kierra asked Christine if she could come over and she said yes. 

Honestly, I don’t believe that will happen.  In previous years Kierra has had to sneak to call me on Mother’s Day.  As Kierra got older she has asked if she could stop by for a minute to see me.  Christine would say she would bring Kierra over but found every excuse not to.  Kierra would call and say that they were on their way several times throughout the day, only for Christine to go visit someone else.  Then it would get late and instead of dropping by Christine would go home.  My feelings would get hurt and so would Kierra’s.

Right now I feel a little flustered.  For once I just want a peaceful Mother’s Day.  I do not want to think about babies that I am not able to have.  I do not want to think about Christine and if she is going to let Kierra come over or not.  I do not want to think of her at all.  She dangles Kierra in my face and then snatches her away everytime.  I do not want to think of any of those things. 

I just want to enjoy a quiet day with  Husband and the children, all three of them if possible.  No drama, no worries, just once….

Meet Christine!

BM has a name and it is Christine.  From now on I will use her name in my posts.  Using her name gives her an identity instead of referring to her as BM.  (See I am growing!!!)  Here are a few things I know about her.

Christine is 40 years old (six years older than me).  She has two chilrdren, Kierra and an older daughter from another relationship.

Christine and my husband were never married.

Christine has a pretty good job and has been there for over 18 years. 

Christine has a two year degree in business. 

Christine likes to read.  (I too love to read)

I just found out that Christine likes doing Sudoku puzzles.  (Also one of my favorite things to do.  I like doing the puzzles so much that Husband purchased a Sudoku game for my PSP.)

Christine likes to shop on Ebay.

I hear  that Christine has a nice personality.

On occasion she has been pleasant towards me: 

 She has sent me cards when I was in the hospital. 

She has given me a Christmas gift, twice.  (I have given her a Christmas gift twice).

She has sent me a Happy Mother’s Day text once.  (I didn’t see that one coming!)

She has sent a Thank You card when I sent her a Mother’s Day package  (a book, some aromatherapy candles, a spiritual bookmark, and a card).

Christine speaks on occasion when we see her at Kierra’s school functions (most times she doesn’t).

These are only a few things about Christine.

The Message

 

I am a bit upset with Eliza.   Here’s why.  She called tonight at 7:11pm to speak with Ethan via third party call (her 11-year-old son from another relationship made the call).  The call was disconnected a few minutes later.  I wasn’t even aware that she had called because I was very busy grading final exams.  My husband was watching a movie, so Ethan answered the call.  It was only when I took a bathroom break that I heard Ethan saying hello repeatedly, so I asked if something was wrong with the phone.  He then told me how it just cut off in the middle of his conversation.  Therefore I assumed that one of three things had to be responsible.  One, the prison detected that she was on a third party call, which is a big no-no (how else is Correctional Billing going to make millions of dollars?), two, it had been raining a lot and often during heavy rain our phones act like this, or three, the battery needed charging.  The culprit was a dead battery.  Eliza left the following message on our home voicemail:  This is Eliza and I’m calling to speak with Ethan.  I was just talking to Ethan.  I don’t know why our phone call was disconnected umm…I, I‘ve been trying to talk to him per court order.  We also need to arrange a time, too for me to be able to speak with Evan as well.  I know that the hours differ where he is, but I also need to speak with him as well. I don’t know what happened today umm… Morocco, please write me and let me know what is going on.  I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you and have a blessed day.  When I turned on my cell phone this morning I checked to see if I had any messages.  Eliza had left a version of this same message on my cell phone.

 

I was bothered by this message for several reasons.  The first being that I felt she was implying that my husband or I ended the call.  Even though it was especially bold of her to leave the message when she obviously called outside of the time set by the judge.  Nor do we need a reminder that there is a court order in place.  My husband has had many court orders granted to see his children, yet she failed to comply with any of them.

 

Secondly, six months ago while in prison, she did take my husband to court for visitation rights.  During this hearing she was granted only two requests from her long list of demands; visits once per month for two hours and the right to call on Wednesdays between the hours of 4-6pm.  The judge was very adamant that she stay within the timeframe that he set.   He even stated that he knew third party calls were illegal to make in prison, and that if she got caught and was “thrown into solitary confinement for it,” it was her problem not my husband’s.  He also told her that he didn’t care if she called using “pigeons” or “smoke and mirrors,” but she was not allowed to call our home collect.  He actually wrote in the order that my husband was NOT to accept any of her calls.  We did not inform the judge that the kids witnessed the murder.  In fact, after the hearing we stood around talking with our attorney and the court clerk.  They both agreed had the judge known what they had witnessed while in her care, he would have never even granted her the monthly visits.  And I am to blame.  I am the one who pushed for her to get to see them and my husband reluctantly agreed not to make it an issue in court.        

 

Next, I disliked the fact she felt free to leave this message while her eleven year-old son was on the phone.  He should not be exposed to adult affairs.

 

Finally, she can’t demand to speak to Evan.  She has no way to do this because she is not listed on any of his paperwork for starters.  The residential facility/psychiatric hospital that he is in does not accept collect prison calls.  Furthermore, his psychiatrist does not think his fragile mind can handle interacting with her until he is more stabilized. The petition she filed acknowledges …if visitation might significantly impair the child’s emotional development, the court may deny visitation rights in the best interest of the child.

 

I’ve already had this conversation with her! And then Morocco, please write me and let me know what is going on what nerve!!!  I don’t owe her any explanations! She is the one who should write ME and let me know what is going on in HER warped head!

 

I am just bothered by her message.  Her tone was both demanding and martyrish…she sounded exactly like the old Eliza.  I almost feel betrayed.   Of course I talked to Rhonda because I was so upset. She felt that Eliza is probably under a lot of stress, especially with Mother’s Day approaching.  So should I just chalk this one up to that time of the month—meaning M-Day?  Here lately I have been examining things From All Angles, so I am going to try and understand this.  I’m already struggling.     

                                                                                                                       

I am so ticked that I am considering not sending her the Mother’s Day care package that I put together for her.  I know I should do anyway and I most likely will.  But she is so inappropriate and inconsiderate at times that it annoys me to no end.  Why bend over backwards for a person like that?  Since she is acting like the old Eliza, maybe I should act like the old Morocco.  Folks, I feel a regression coming on…sigh.

 

 

 

 

From All Angles

                Mother’s Day will be different for me this year.  It will be my first Mother’s Day as a motherless daughter.  As of February 8, 2008, I have no mother to acknowledge and celebrate.  Hallmark will not let me forget this fact either.  I automatically dodge the card aisle upon entering any store.  A short while ago I remember seeing the displays much to my surprise.  I had forgotten that May was the month reserved for mothers.  And it’s not that I place much stock in this commercialized, contrived holiday, because for me, every day was mother’s day.  I always looked at this day as a brilliant marketing strategy on behalf of greeting card companies and floral shops worldwide.  But nevertheless, it was nice to actually have a mother on this day.

            Losing a mother makes one introspective and sensitive. So much in fact that it has propelled me to examine this day from all angles—from Eliza’s to Ethan and Evan’s.

            A simple expression of Happy Mother’s Day from Ethan and Evan has always sufficed for me because while I am not their mother, I a mother.  I never expected anything more than this, not even a card.  But this was even hard for them to do.  Last year on our first Mother’s Day together, my husband inquired if they had told me, and they admitted that they had not.  They “forgot.”  My feelings were hurt slightly but I quickly recovered.  As always, our son Nicholas was there to celebrate me with his beautifully handcrafted AND store bought cards, poems, and frequent reminders throughout the day of what a great mom I was.  One day while at Wal-Greens’s he had even selected the aforementioned card without my assistance and casually asked me to pay for it!

            But this year…I think I understand how they were feeling.  It too was their first Mother’s Day without Eliza.  They probably just wanted to spend this day in the company of their own mom expressing the sentiment to her; just as I would like to do with my own. No ommy, substitute mommy, guest mom, or second mom will do.  I want my mommy.  As children I can only imagine how they feel; and Eliza, too. 

            So this year on Mother’s Day, I will be working on a scrapbook in memory of my mother.  We have already started making some things for Eliza.  While Ethan, Evan, or I can’t be with our moms in the physical sense, we can at least be with them in spirit.  Happy Mother’s Day to all!