Tag Archives: hate

My Struggle

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I’ve been making my way through the New Testament and the resounding message in each book seems to be “love one another.”  Sounds simple, right?

While I’d like to say I love everyone, I know that I don’t.  I love those who love me which is easy to do.  The hard part is showing love to the ones who treat me bad or simply don’t deserve it.  Now I believe the Bible encourages us to be discerning about love.  Because you can love from a distance without getting yourself tangled in the mire or trampled on.  I love my brother, but I only deal with him on a “need to” basis and feed him with a long-handled spoon.  I show  love by taking care of Jazmine.

Right now I am having a hard time displaying neighborly love toward all.  I don’t love (or even respect) most of the people I work with.  Eliza and her family–forget about it.  And there’s no love lost between my husband’s middle sister and I.  Then there’s the weird family that lives next door to us.  Nor can I feel any affection for the many yahoos that seem to flock my way.  I try not to think about such unpleasantries but I can’t deny that feelings of animosity and bitterness live in me.

I imagine reaching this plateau would involve humbling one’s self.  Thus, I guess my first lesson lies in humility. I have so much work to do!

I Bet She’s Happy

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Call me crazy, but I thought that Eliza would want the boys to stay with me for many reasons, namely because:

  1. They were in a stable environment
  2. They have been through a lot
  3. It is their home
  4. She knew that  I would continue escorting them to visit her
  5. I love them and have their best interests at heart
  6. I have treated her kindly and with respect
  7. I encouraged the kids to continue their relationship with her

So when they were taken from me, needless to say, I was very hurt and devastated.  I felt betrayed in a sense.  Every letter that she wrote in praise/support/encouragement of me must have been false.  She was only hugging me to find the best spot to stab me in the back.

She didn’t even have the courtesy to send her sympathies.

Why would she want them with her unstable siblings?  She and her sister do not have a good relationship and are quite jealous of one another.  In fact, at one visit she confided in me that she actually hates her sister.  Not to mention, her sister barely cares for her own two children.  I don’t see how she would be able to take them to visit Eliza on a regular basis considering that she lives many states away.

And her brother–forget about it!  The kids would be better off being raised by a pack of wolves than him.  That would be like appointing my brother, Jazmine’s father, to raise Nicholas if something happened to me!  This is too scary to even imagine.  Though my brother is my kin, I know emphatically that he would not be the best candidate to raise my son.  I’d much rather him be with a nonrelative than a relative with a lack of morals, human decency, and common sense.

Here’s why I think she would want her family to have them:

  1. She feels that they owe her as both were indirectly involved in her crime
  2. They are “family”
  3. I’m not “family” and she could care less about Nicholas
  4. Her sister will probably accept her collect calls
  5. She doesn’t have to deal with me i.e. via mail or in person, in other words, she won’t have to pretend to like me
  6. She is still nursing a grudge
  7. She never wanted them to have a relationship with me in the first place and does not want them to love me
  8. She doesn’t like to share
  9. She wants her family to keep any “benefits” (social security) in the family
  10. She is willing to sacrifice their wellbeing/happiness in order to punish me
  11. She doesn’t care about my feelings
  12. It’s hard to villify the person caring for your kids
  13. I am a reminder that her first marriage did not work
  14. She detested my husband
  15. She detests me

It seems that things have worked in her favor.  Eliza would have to know that my heart is broken into a million little pieces which I’m sure the very thought fills her with joy.  She does not have to fight for custody of the boys after she is released.  Nor does she have to pay the court-ordered child support that has been accumulating since her incarceration.  Finally she will have the kids all to herself!

I know I have to let it go because it is out of my control–something easier said than done.  I’m really having a hard time with everything.  However, I had the feeling last night that I should pray for them, Eliza and her siblings. You are supposed to pray for the people who persecute you. 

And I will continue to pray that God will protect Ethan and Evan from any harm.

You’ve Come a Long Way

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I want to share with you all two excerpts from my personal journal to show the progress that I have made concerning Eliza.  I have not always felt so peaceful about interacting with her.  Obviously, I have not always liked Eliza.  It is safe to say that I used to abhor her. I am not necessarily proud that I allowed her to get under my skin to the degree that she did, but what can I say, I am only human.

 

05/28/07

 

I’ve learned that being a stepmother is hard, serious work.  I was so bothered by the conversation that she had with the kids yesterday.  Why?  I can’t exactly pinpoint why.  I know that they should still love her because she is mom, but they don’t hold her accountable for anything.  All she has to do is make a bunch of false promises to them and they are content.  But here I am doing the lion’s share of her job and I get little to no thanks.  And that just bothers me.  I do not like being taken for granted.

Ethan is pretty much the same way he was when he first arrived—rude.  I choose to ignore him.  I know he is just counting the days until she comes home.  He has not tried to fit in here.  I’m tired of trying to make him fit.

Today Evan asked me if his mom and I were friends.  I’m sure he already knew the answer, he is totally precocious.  This was his way of testing me.  I was truthful and told him no.  I told him that I didn’t really know her very well and usually to count someone as a friend, you should that person relatively well.  He appeared satisfied with that explanation. 

06/01/07

            I resent her so much. I hate how she tries to pretend that being in her situation is no big deal, I hate how she wants to have control of our household from behind bars, I hate her for having the audacity to send that fake apology letter when we all know that she is not sorry for anything, I hate how she kept the kids away from him (PAS at its worse), I even had that he had the bad taste to procreate with that banshee!  I hate that she uses her brother to bail her out of trouble—every time, I hate that I have to spend MY money on HER ungrateful kids,  I hate that she does not realize how murdering someone in front of Ethan and Evan will have a horrible effect on them, I hate how we have to fix her attempt at parenting, I hate how she is still not mature enough to communicate with us, I hate how she fainted in jail upon learning that we had the boys, and most of all, I hate how she thinks we are supposed to automatically forgive her for all her past crimes against us simply because she is in prison!!! She never ceases to amaze me.