Journal

I started this journal on February 7, 2007.  Today I wrote my last entry.  So much has changed in the almost four years that I have been writing in it.   I have close to 10 completed ones that span 23 years of my life.

Do any of you journal? 

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You’ve Come a Long Way

I want to share with you all two excerpts from my personal journal to show the progress that I have made concerning Eliza.  I have not always felt so peaceful about interacting with her.  Obviously, I have not always liked Eliza.  It is safe to say that I used to abhor her. I am not necessarily proud that I allowed her to get under my skin to the degree that she did, but what can I say, I am only human.

 

05/28/07

 

I’ve learned that being a stepmother is hard, serious work.  I was so bothered by the conversation that she had with the kids yesterday.  Why?  I can’t exactly pinpoint why.  I know that they should still love her because she is mom, but they don’t hold her accountable for anything.  All she has to do is make a bunch of false promises to them and they are content.  But here I am doing the lion’s share of her job and I get little to no thanks.  And that just bothers me.  I do not like being taken for granted.

Ethan is pretty much the same way he was when he first arrived—rude.  I choose to ignore him.  I know he is just counting the days until she comes home.  He has not tried to fit in here.  I’m tired of trying to make him fit.

Today Evan asked me if his mom and I were friends.  I’m sure he already knew the answer, he is totally precocious.  This was his way of testing me.  I was truthful and told him no.  I told him that I didn’t really know her very well and usually to count someone as a friend, you should that person relatively well.  He appeared satisfied with that explanation. 

06/01/07

            I resent her so much. I hate how she tries to pretend that being in her situation is no big deal, I hate how she wants to have control of our household from behind bars, I hate her for having the audacity to send that fake apology letter when we all know that she is not sorry for anything, I hate how she kept the kids away from him (PAS at its worse), I even had that he had the bad taste to procreate with that banshee!  I hate that she uses her brother to bail her out of trouble—every time, I hate that I have to spend MY money on HER ungrateful kids,  I hate that she does not realize how murdering someone in front of Ethan and Evan will have a horrible effect on them, I hate how we have to fix her attempt at parenting, I hate how she is still not mature enough to communicate with us, I hate how she fainted in jail upon learning that we had the boys, and most of all, I hate how she thinks we are supposed to automatically forgive her for all her past crimes against us simply because she is in prison!!! She never ceases to amaze me.