Endship

In life we never lose friends, we only learn who the true ones are.

Two weeks ago I ended a friendship that spanned twenty years. I thought it would be hard to do, but it wasn’t. The problem that I was having with her was her love for gossip. And she gossiped about everybody and everything! Listening to her speak, you would have thought that certain celebrities were among her closest friends the way she discussed the most intimate details of their lives “I can’t believe Beyonce… Mike (Epps) need to be ashamed for talking to his daughter that way…”

She was also highly competitive and scrutinized my every move and purchase. She always tried to criticize me “on the low” as my students would say.  Often after being in contact with her I would feel so slimy. She was just too much!

Not to mention, her SIL has a son with Eliza’s brother and I wanted to remove myself from that whole drama circle. When her SIL was buddies with Eliza, she used to prank call my house and job on her behalf. So thus when we are in each other’s presence, it is too awkward for her, so much to the point where I started wondering if I had been the one harassing her!

A dog that will bring a bone will carry a bone so I was not surprised to learn that she had been talking about me with a friend of hers. Now when most people talk about you behind your back,  mind you, they don’t usually come and tell you about it and then blame it on the party that doesn’t know you, lol.

When I told her that I didn’t want to be the object of their messy drama, she was totally indignant that I was offended. Her text read Oh and one last thing. I do feel like u have a issue with me, and if that’s true then it’s displaced irritation and we need to keep it moving  because if it’s that “silly” then let it be just that!” She didn’t seem to think their discussion regarding how much life insurance I received when my husband died and what all I had been doing with the funds was a big deal.

I told her it was best that we end the friendship because it was pointless to explain that she is the only one I could have an issue with for discussing my business as I don’t know her friend. She just doesn’t get it and at this stage in life, I’m not sure she will. Unhappy with my response, she took it to Facebook writing “STILL learning that  people come into your life sometimes for just a season and earn no comebacks. All emotional cripples exit stage left.”

I hope she starts her exit soon.

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How Low Can You Go?

As you all know Kierra was scheduled to have surgery this week.  Last week Christine made many attempts to change Husband’s mind and let Kierra go home with her.  Husband assured her that Kierra would be just fine going home with us.

Christine was relentless in her pleas.  She commented on the fact that she could take off work…so can we.  She said she knows how to work the drain that Kierra would receive because she did it the last time…she had to be shown and the doctor can show us.  She went on to say that she has to sign Kierra in and out of the hospital…okay she can still do so and Kierra will still leave with us.  Then she said that what if Kierra needs to go back to the hospital for any reason…we are capable of getting her there and will call you immediately.  Besides that we have two running vehicles.  (Christine’s car has been “down” since Christmas.  Husband has had to take Kierra home at the end of her visits since then.  Yet Christine and her older daughter drive it all the time.)

I knew Christine would not be happy with Kierra coming to our home.  Why?  Well her words have come to bite her.  Christine swore she would never step foot in our house.  She even told Kierra this the other night while they were having a heated discussion.  Kierra informed us that Christine ranted about how Kierra didn’t love her.  How Kierra loved us more than her.  Why can’t Kierra just come home and be with her.  Kierra told Christine that she loved all of her family and this time she wanted to be with us.

Low and behold Husband received a call the next day from Christine but he missed the call.  Later that evening he was talking to Kierra on the phone when she broke the news.  Christine canceled the surgery.  She told Kierra that the doctor went on medical leave.  Kierra asked her if another doctor could perform the surgery.  Christine said she would prefer that her doctor do the surgery since the last one was a success.  Christine said she didn’t know when the doctor would be back.  Yeah right!!!  Christine canceled the surgery because she doesn’t want to come to our house. 

When this whole ordeal came about I told Husband that Christine would probably cancel the surgery.  That is the only way she could assure Kierra not come home with us.  I’m pretty sure she will rescheule it when it’s on her time.  But that is not even the issue.  The problem I have is that Kierra needs the surgery.  It’s not a life or death situation but the sooner she gets it done the better for Kierra.  If prolonged she could have a situation where she would need reconstructive surery.

We do not have a probelm with Christine coming to our home.  She’s the one with the problem.  We also do not have a problem going to her home.  When we have gone she goes into another room.  The last time Kierra had surgery she made it difficult for us to visit with Kierra.   She made a big stink about HER family and friends being there.  Well we are her family too!  Christine also wants to portray to her friends that she does it all.  So she doesn’t want us around when she is entertaining.  This is not about her, it’s all about Kierra.

The next day Husband had to pick up Kierra from school because she had a headache and couldn’t stop crying.  Kierra told me that she was tired of Christine getting upset with her about everything.  She said she is tired of the headaches.  I told her that she doesn’t have to keep all those emotions inside.  I told her that when things are really heavy in my heart I talk to God.  I go off in a quiet place and just talk to Him.  She could do the same and feel much better by letting it go.

Does Christine not care about Kierra’s health?  It doesn’t seem like it to me.  She is not concerned with her mental health either.  Kierra clings to us whenever she is over.  Friday night she layed on me all evening.  We ended up falling asleep on the couch and Husband had to wake us up to go to bed.  Whenever husband leaves to run errands she is right by his side.

Yesterday before she went home Kierra said she was looking forward to spring break.  My brother, his family, and my mom will be here.  She said she can not wait to see my nephews.  She also went on and on about doing different activites.  I just hope Christine doesn’t start in on her this week.  Kierra needs a break from the drama.

Twisted Sister

I vividly recall the day I first met my husband and his sister.  He was quiet and shy, but her, not so much.  It was obvious that he and I liked each other and she thought our crush was the cutest thing.  She wasn’t around a lot because she was too busy chasing boys.  I remember her as his wild big sister, the black sheep of the family.  Back in the day she liked me.  But that was then…

She was never rude to me directly because my husband wouldn’t tolerate it.  So she carefully veiled her animosity toward me in hopes that he wouldn’t notice.  He did.  She resented that I was number one in his life.  It was very clear how much he adored me. 

 The summer we spent looking for our first home we stayed in his grandparents house, who had both recently died.  The heat was sweltering!  I was quite surprised when my SIL came over to take our refridgerator!  She already had one so she kept it on her front porch!  The comment that she made to her brother said it all “Morocco can go and buy y’all  a new one.”   I assume she felt this way because I had just bought a new car.   

During our courtship she started to connect with Eliza because they had a mutual enemy in common: ME.  I asked my husband what exactly had I done to his sister.   He replied nothing, and that she never wanted him to be with anyone.  She always found a reason not to like whomever he was with.  She was iffy with Eliza , too when they were together.  Yet, Eliza tended to cater to her to be accepted so it wasn’t a major problem.  I, on the otherhand, ignored her once I realized that something wasn’t right.  I didn’t see any need to suck up.

When we got married and had Nicholas she was very upset and cried bitterly.  My other SIL told us this.  My husband just shook his head about his crazy sister’s reaction.

She did many other things throughout the years which caused him to stop interacting with her.  He loved his sister but did not like her ways.  We both felt she had a weird fixation with him.  It just wasn’t healthy.  In fact, we even compared her toTony Montana from the movie Scarface because of the questionable love he had for his sister. 

One time we stopped by her house and she took a shower while we were there.  She actually came into the living room with a very small towel wrapped around her body.  However, you could very clearly see all of her vagina and parts of her breasts.  I was very uncomfortable and appalled!  She simply said “excuse me y’all” as she sauntered on through!  My husband also said this freaked him out and was very disgusted by her indecent behavior.  He said she scared him.

And she blamed me that she did not have a relationship with him.  I guess it had nothing to do with:

• Her smoking “funny smelling cigarettes” in front of the boys.  I’m sure you can guess what she was smoking!  My husband was livid! 
• She had no control over her tongue and would say whatever came to mind–even in front of the children
• My SIL told Eliza that she did not like me (Eliza was thrilled with this nugget of information and couldn’t wait to share it with us)
• She told me that she liked Eliza because “she don’t want my brother.” Huh?…was all I could think
• When Eliza refused to let my husband get the boys she still allowed my SIL to get them.  If she was mad at her brother for whatever reason, she would not let him pick up his own kids from her house.  Once he tried to do so anyway and she called Eliza on him!
• She is very materialistic and jealous-hearted
• She has tried to run his life over the years and is very overbearing
• She wanted my husband to take care of her and her daughter.  She would often ask him for money and would get angry when he said no.  She also tried to force him to babysit a lot
• She often badmouthed him to their friends and family and painted the picture that he was upset with her for no reason
• She thought my husband was wrong for not continuing to interact with his former stepson and often made an issue of it.  She would assert that he was still her nephew and that he was always going to be his son.  I was blamed for this, too
• Her opportunistic ways
• She kept drama going with many other people

The night he died I had a sneaking suspicion that she would not handle it well and act crazy.  I braced myself before calling.  I attempted to reach her but couldn’t.  My BIL tried as well as his aunt to no avail.  I even waited at the hospital for close to seven hours in part for her to get there.  She never made it and I was blamed for this, too.  She claimed that I did not try to call her at all.

From the day he died (Saturday) until Tuesday, she behaved very poorly to say the least.  She was running around foaming at the mouth with her hatred of me.  She told several of her family members that “she manipulated him away from us.”  They countered her point of view because of course, I had not.  She managed to do that without my help because he interacted with everyone except for her.

It really bothered her that she was the only one with these feelings of rancor.  His aunt told me that one night after Nicholas and I left her house,  my SIL started crying saying to her “You love Morocco, don’t you!”

She assisted and encouraged Eliza’s family in taking the boys away from me.  She also stated that they should be with “family” and provided the name of the hospital in which Evan was located.

What blew my mind the most was that she called the coroner’s office and asked them NOT to release the body to me because we were ONLY related by law!  That crushed me more than anything!!!   She also thought I was going to have him cremated and wanted to prevent that from taking place.  I found out about the call from the funeral director.

Enough of my in-laws finally got fed up with her and chastised her callous, immature behavior.  I suppose they let her carry on as long as they did because she was grieving the loss of her brother–who knows?  On  Tuesday I went to make the funeral arrangements and she came along with my BIL (much to my dismay).  When the funeral director addressed me by my last name; guess who answered, too?!  Granted she had only been married for a week (she did not invite or call to tell her beloved brother about her small wedding), but still, she should have known that he was referring to me!

After I finished and was leaving out, she stopped me to apologize.  She then started to cry saying ”  Morocco, whatever it is I’ve done, I’m sorry.  But I should have never taught my brother how to live without me.”  I had no idea what she was talking about, but I replied “All he did was get married and have a family.  He was still your brother.” I had no fight left in me as I limply tried to comfort her. 

Since that day she has been full of praise for me.  Over the course of the last two months she has called many times saying what a wonderful wife I was to her brother, and mom and stepmom to her nephews.  She has left so many sickeningly sweet messages that half the time I can’t bear to listen to them. They are filled with phrases of love, admiration, and kinship.  It makes me soooo uncomfortable!  How can one change their heart so rapidly?!  I can only think of how she betrayed me with her Judas kiss.

But when the boys were in town two weeks ago and at her house, do you think she called me over for a visit?  I haven’t heard from her in almost three weeks.  And she knows that I am aware that they were in town.  Maybe she feels bad.

My husband would not be surprised by her behavior in the slightest.  He knew his sister well.  And he would be in a rage about the way she treated me.  If she thought he had disowned her then…

She is one of those people that I have a hard time loving.  I definitely struggle with forgiving her.  Do you see why?  During my time of deepest sorrow I had to deal with both her and Eliza’s crazy clan.  The state of shock I was in definitely preserved my sanity that they so desperately tried to break.

And the Winner is…

Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.  Galatians 5:26

For several years Eliza was consumed with competing with me.  Believe it or not she asked my SIL what was so special about me!  Shortly she started to emulate my dress and speech.  As if that was not enough she started wearing her hair in the same style as mine! 

When I had Nicholas record our  voicemail greeting, she promptly had Evan do the same.  Strangely, she started telling people that she was a kindergarten teacher! I think she was intimidated by my level of education because she left a voicemail when we first started dating saying he has a girlfriend who is supposedly well educated…but I doubt that! 

There were other little acts of competition along the way, too.  Even presently when I would send her letters at her request about the boys I would include some of the things things that we were doing with them (i.e. On Friday we took them to a Pacer’s game and the boys had a great time!), she would write back telling me what all she has done with and for them.  Not wanting that kind of competitive exchange, I quickly discontinued providing her with too many details.

When she married her current husband, she gave up.  She went back to doing things the way she normally did.  It was a relief because it felt so ackward being that it painfully obvious as to what she was doing.  Truthfully I felt embarrassed for her.  I also wanted her to realize that I didn’t want her to feel that she had to compete with me.  What for?  We are both winners.

Today I was thinking about how different yet similar Eliza and I are.  I noted a few comparisons below which caused me to ponder why competition seems to be a common factor in relationships between women. 

Obviously our persoanlities are different.  I really don’t have to go into detail here.

We married the same man–enough said!

If I had to rate her in the looks department I would give her a 6 on a scale of 1-10.  I would rate myself an 8.  We are the same exact height, 5 feet tall and we pretty much weigh the same.  I weigh 129 pounds and she doesn’t look much bigger.   We have the same skin tone, too.  However, that’s where the resemblence ends.

She is a more casual dresser.  Eliza likes jeans, t-shirts, jogging suits, tennis shoes, and simple shirts.  She used to relatively old-fashioned for her age.  But now she dresses more youthful.  I am a more conservative/funky/fashionable dresser.  I tend to favor blouses, slacks, blazers, suits, camisoles, sweaters, twin sets, skirts, and stilettos.  I love signature pieces and mixing things up for an expected yet elegant combo.  Some of my favorite stores include:  Banana Republic, Ann Taylor Loft, Target, Macy’s and The Limited.  I pretty much dress this way all of the time.  Sometimes I do wish that I approached dressing more casually.  I can be somewhat prissy but I am learning to relax.

My hair is quite long and hangs well past my shoulders.  I like my hair simple and typically styled in an iron-out.  For special occasions I will wear soft curls.  Eliza likes the more intricate do’s.  She wears it all: braids, ponytails, fountains, humps and other trendy hairstyles.  Her hair looks “fun.”  She also styles her own hair.  Unfortunately I don’t have that talent so I have to go to a stylist.

We both like poetry, food, and conversation.

I am an avid reader and she stated that she likes to read as well.

She is a hoarder and I am a minimalist.

Eliza once had temporary custody of her niece, too!

We are the same age, although she is almost exactly a month older than me.  She was born December 21st, me, January 22nd. 

Eliza has held a lot of jobs in her lifetime.  She usually works for a month or two here and there.  I don’t think she has been at one job longer than six months.  In my adulthood I have only had one main job, teaching English and one part-time job, teaching ballet.

Both of our moms are deceased.  Sadly her mom passed before mine.  Neither of us communicate with our fathers.  I have 5 siblings and I am the oldest.  She, too has 5 siblings but is the second youngest.

We both have three children, two of them I “share” with her.

I have two college degrees and I am currently working on a third.  She earned her GED while in jail.

She revealed that English was her favorite subject in high school.  It was mine to which is why I made a career of it.  Eliza also stated on her pre-sentencing report that she eventually wanted to attend college to major in Business and minor in English.  Go figure!

She is insanely afraid of dogs–both big and small.  I like dogs, especially the little baby-sized ones.

When she moved out of her old neighborhood, I moved in.

We are both stepmoms.

We are both women.

We are both daughters of the King.

I am healthy enough to know that she has some good qualities as well as some bad ones.  So do I.  Do her bad characteristics outweigh the good ones?  This is a question I can’t answer because I don’t know the complete contents of her heart.  And really, this is a job best left to the Master.

I like to celebrate and acknowledge Eliza when I can.  I have told her that she does a good job staying connected with her boys (she really does, she writes them pretty faithfully every week).  Eliza also has a nice smile and I have commented on this before.  I am not fake about it and only do so when I am able to be sincere.  It is my small way of helping her build self-esteem.  This helps tone my grace muscle as well!

I’m aware of the adage that says imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I do believe that too much imitation is really insecurity.  Too much insecurity leads to jealousy and envy.  When you feel complete there is no need to compete.

And because we are all human, we all tend to feel this way from time to time.  In these moments it is wise to reflect on our strengths.  This always puts things into perspective for me.   I know that we are all blessed with gifts and talents.  Sometimes we just have to discover them.