Just Once…

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This is going to be hard, I have never written about my situation before now.  At any rate I think I have finally come to terms with this, so here goes…

Since I have been married, Mother’s Day has always been a sad day for me.  The reason being, I was not a mother.  Husband and I tried to conceive to no avail.  I was tested and tested again and again.  Husband and I went through proceedure after proceedure.   I had three surgeries and in 2007 I had the last one.  The one that sealed my fate.  No biological children for me. 

I met with my doctor numerous times to discuss other options.  For me there were no other options.  I was  exhausted by the poking, prodding, and not to mention the unbearable pain.  Husband was very supportive.  I thought I was fine.  Deep down I wasn’t.  Little did I know I went through a great depression.  At the time my mother-in-law was dying of cancer.  It was all too much on me. 

My marriage suffered a little because I felt like Husband didn’t understand what I was going through.  He had a child, a biological child.  He couldn’t possibly understand how I felt.  We tried our best to deal with everything going on.  I just wanted it all to go away.  At the time it was too great a loss, my unborn children and the death of my mother-in-law.

 Mother’s Day in 2008 was the worst ever.  I tried to put on a happy face but deep inside I was screaming for the emotional pain to stop.

My mother sent me wonderful cards telling me that I am a mother figure to the children I work with at school.  I am a mother to Kierra.  I am a mother to all of my Godchildren.  My mother-in-law gave me the greatest gift of all…Ian and Imani.  Even Husband praised me to the high heavens how grateful he was to have me as Kierra’s stepmother and now the mother of our inherited children. 

Even with all the praise it was hard for me to accept.  I felt like I was not a mother.  I had not given birth to any of these children.  Of course I love each and everyone of them but still I felt an emptiness.

Mother’s Day is just around the corner I was starting to feel this same emptiness.  Why was I feeling this way?  Ian and Imani have been a huge blessing in my life.  They are with Husband and I fulltime. I do not have to go back and forth with another parent as to what is best for their child.  So where are these feelings coming from?  I don’t know…

Yesterday, while reading Tiff, Taff, and Lulu to Ian and Imani I felt at peace.  I finally felt that empty feeling slipping away.  We were sitting on the couch together.  Ian had his head on my shoulder.  Out of no where he says, “Mommy guess what?  I made you something for Mother’s Day at school.”  I heard Husband yell from the other room that it was supposed to be a surprise.  Ian said, “I’m excited and can’t wait until Sunday.”  Wow….I needed that!

Not to long after that Husband yelled from our bedroom, “Guess what?  Kierra is coming over this weekend.”  I of course shook my head and asked if she remembered that this was Mother’s Day weekend.  He told me that she knew and Kierra asked Christine if she could come over and she said yes. 

Honestly, I don’t believe that will happen.  In previous years Kierra has had to sneak to call me on Mother’s Day.  As Kierra got older she has asked if she could stop by for a minute to see me.  Christine would say she would bring Kierra over but found every excuse not to.  Kierra would call and say that they were on their way several times throughout the day, only for Christine to go visit someone else.  Then it would get late and instead of dropping by Christine would go home.  My feelings would get hurt and so would Kierra’s.

Right now I feel a little flustered.  For once I just want a peaceful Mother’s Day.  I do not want to think about babies that I am not able to have.  I do not want to think about Christine and if she is going to let Kierra come over or not.  I do not want to think of her at all.  She dangles Kierra in my face and then snatches her away everytime.  I do not want to think of any of those things. 

I just want to enjoy a quiet day with  Husband and the children, all three of them if possible.  No drama, no worries, just once….

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8 responses »

  1. I’m sending loads of love and light your way! Mother’s Day has been tucked somewhere in the back of my mind this year. Last year it bothered me to see the many advertising campaigns for this holiday, but this year not so much.

    God had a special plan for you in that he handpicked you to be the mother of Ian and Imani. Had you had your “own” children, you guys might not have been able to take on the added responsibility of two more children.

  2. Thank you for sharing; I know it wasn’t easy. Your story is a very important one for people to hear. I’m proud of you for taking a chance to share something hard for you.

    Have a very happy and blessed Mother’s Day.

  3. Your story is an inspiration.
    Your love an encouragement.
    Your family a blessing.
    Enjoy the beauty in life.
    The storms will pass.
    The Sun will shine again!
    Happy Mother’s Day!
    🙂

  4. Rhonda, I too am sending you loads of love on Mother’s Day. I am glad that you felt some peace and I hope that the peace will continue to wash away any anxiety you may feel creep up on you. God’s plans definitely never seem to make sense to me, but I am glad that Ian and Imani and Kierra all have you as a part of their lives. From following your blog I’m positive you’ve made a difference in theirs.

  5. Rhonda, I share your pain as I was infertile for many years. I am so happy that you found peace. I have a biological daughter and I call my stepdaughter my daughter by blessing. I think Morocco’s right about God having a special plan just for you.

    Happy Mother’s Day Rhonda!!! =)

  6. Rhonda,

    This made me cry. I will be praying for strength for you for the next week. It is hard when we think we should or shouldn’t be feeling something, but yet we do. Then we heap guilt on top of our other feelings. It becomes a cycle that we have difficulty stopping.

    Just know that it is OK to mourn.

    Your children are there for you through this though. They will be there to hug and kiss you through your sadness. God sent you some angels to help you remember that this is your special day.

  7. There are many others who could benefit from this post. They could see that they are not alone in the very REAL feelings they have. I think you will be able to enjoy Mother’s Day. It sounds like Ian and Imani have some things planned. It is going to be nice.

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