The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

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Speaking in general terms, we all want the good things in life.  We don’t want to experience any valleys.  Forget waiting–we want the good times to roll ASAP!

I know this is true for me, especially as a stepmom.  Dealing with Eliza, there has been a whole lot of bad and ugly.  I am ready for the good part.  My relationship with Ethan is still the same.  It has been two years and it really has not gotten any better.  He continues to be distant and rude.  It is not for a lack of trying on my part.  In this case it does take two to tango. 

 I’m sure he is aloof for a variety of reasons:

  • He misses his mom and I am a reminder that his mom is not available
  • He has been trained not to like me
  • He is a teenager
  • He has limited interpersonal skills (a few of his teachers have mentioned this)
  • He misses Evan and his other brother
  • He does not put any effort forth to be a part of our family
  • He is used to being in an environment in which there was little parental supervision
  • He wants to remain the same for Eliza

I have signed him up for counseling.  He rarely speaks, so I have no idea what is going on in his head.  He talks to Nicholas and does okay (barely) with my husband. 

I feel like I am living with a hostile stranger.  Yes, I have tried bonding with him.  Yes, my husband has tried talking to him on several occassions.  Yes, we make an effort to make him feel welcome.  I know it may take time, but my goodness, its been two years! 

I know in a family that you must take the good with the bad and the ugly.  That’s just what families do, yet I am having a hard time doing this.

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5 responses »

  1. Wow, two years and it’s still like that? I think that signing up for some counseling sessions could be a good thing. Maybe it would help to have someone outside the family that he can talk to, who will actually work with him to look at the situation form other perspectives instead of a bias side. Communication is essential with all relationships, and may be this will help with yours. Good luck with that!

  2. When Hub and I were engaged we read many books on the subject of blended families and second marriages. One thing we found in common amongst the books was the claim that it usually takes three to seven years for a blended family to settle down enough to actually feel like a family. It may be that your step son will warm to you and the rest of the family over time.

    Be patient, you’ve done well so far. You should be applauded for your efforts. Keep up the positive and you will eventually be rewarded.

  3. I know that I felt like I was betraying my father by liking my stepdad. It did take years for me to show and accept that it was OK to like both people for who they were.

    I agree with kweenmama on this one. Be patient.

    To help you keep focused on the positives, maybe write one quick sentence each day of something positive about each child. Then when that child is going through a particularly difficult time you can look back. Can be as simple as, smiled at me. Laughed at his brother’s elephant joke. Offered to carry groceries. (You get the idea.)

    Just a thought. Maybe it is kind of silly.

  4. This is such a difficult situation. I know that, as a child of divorce, I didn’t like either of my step-parents because I felt like my mom and dad chose them over me.

    Knowing what an amazing person you are, you’ll keep searching and find just the right thing to connect with him. I loved justaglimpse’s suggestion!

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