Wedding Bells or Sirens?


My little brother (22 on the ides of March) is getting married. Tear!

I learned this information a week ago via my sister.  He relayed to her that he wanted me and the kids to be there.  I have a strained relationship with him.  Why I can’t exactly pinpoint. Nevertheless he should have called me himself.

He has been with her around 5 years.  I do not like his wife-to-be.  I have no concrete reason as I do not know her very well nor do I particularly want to.  However, there is just something about her that doesn’t agree with me.

My brother rarely comes around, and the few times that he has and she’s been with him, she sits out in the car. Weird.

She did not come to my mother’s service because she had to work.  It didn’t seem to bother him but it offended me.

She seems very timid around me.  I do not treat her rudely, but I suppose she knows that I don’t approve of her.

The wedding is April 23rd so I have a couple of  months to get over myself.  How do I do this? I try to think about the fact that he seems to be happy with her (can’t he be happy with someone else?). Small consolation.  Also, I’m not the one marrying her so it really shouldn’t be an issue (my rational mind knows this). 

I thought about not attending but changed my mind.  I don’t want to hurt his feelings or deprieve Che and Nicky of the opportunity.  Plus I feel so sad that our mother is not around to witness it so I feel even more compelled to be there.

And I refuse to be like my Satan-in-law.

18 responses »

  1. I think it’s great of you to be able to get past this. Maybe in reaching out to her by attending the wedding, it will create an opening for y’all to form a polite speaking relationship at least. I’m hoping that maybe she’s just shy or somehow felt intimidated by you and that this will help her feel more comfortable with you.

  2. Morocco, I’m so proud of you for attending regardless. It takes a strong person to walk into that situation, keep your feelings in, be polite or even effervescent, and then walk away without giving anyone their “Come to Jesus” talk.

    When I read this I cringed. It reminded me VERY MUCH of my family in IA. There were always quick weddings between people who were too young to be getting married and under strange circumstances. See enough of that, and you get gun shy.

    I suspect that you’re taking on more responsibility for this than you need to. You’re aware that she doesn’t like you or possibly even your family. In 5 years, you should have been around her enough to have a clue. That you don’t, is, of course a BLARING SIGN THAT THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO WELL.

    She sits in the car? Honestly? How controlling is that? She didn’t attend the service? How supportive is that? Now some jobs are hard to get out of, so she may not have had a choice. However, attending the viewing, being there when he sits with Mom, and helping other family members speaks volumes. Did she do anything like that?

    I have to ask, though, is your brother a better person being with her? Is she as good to him as one of his best boys? If so, then she’s worth getting to know. However, if she’s controlling the way it seems, and it’s all about her and her family, then I understand your concerns. You won’t be gaining a sister; you’ll be losing a brother.

    What a freaking awful situation. That said, I think you should call him (if you haven’t already) to discuss the wedding. Maybe there is some small way you can be involved to bridge this gap in your relationship with him. Even if it’s to take a dish (if they have a pot luck) or to buy the cake topper.

    What I like about you is that you’re gracious and will do the right thing even though you don’t want to. I skipped as many family weddings as possible, which is good for me because now I’m watching the “we hate each other too much to divorce” channel. Maybe your presence will do something good.

    Good luck.

    • When my mother intially went to the hospital, her, her mother, and little brother were there. My sister says she suspects she did not attend the service because of me (she works at Taco Bell). I find this silly as it was not about me. Did she think I would upset my own mother’s service to spite her??!! Honestly I don’t dislike her that much! But she is really starting to irritate me.

      From my vantage point I suppose she has helped him become a better person, can’t say for sure though as I rarely see him. But she does like to keep him around her and her family. It saddens me that he allows this. He has made her alone his family.

      My sister told me that she posted on fb that she is nervous about the upcoming wedding because she will see members of his family that she hasn’t seen in a while. She could only be talking about yours truly. My other siblings wouldn’t bat an eye if he was marrying Charles Manson. That comment makes me want to stay away. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable on her day.

      Suzanne, I don’t even know his number! I talked to him a couple of months ago when he had to be hospitalized for diabetic complications and I gave him both of my numbers. I haven’t heard from him since. I’m sure I could get it from my sister though.

      Ugh! This is really weighing heavy on my heart. To go or not to go…

  3. Maybe reach out to your brother in simple ways before the wedding to smooth things over with him…a phonecall, some emails, snail mail, whatever works, and then, hopefully, his soon-t0-be-wife will accept that you two have a relationship and she will “come around.”

  4. I just know it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.

    I couldn’t stand my brother’s, now ex-wife, when they got married, but I love my brother. I’m glad I was there for him through it all.

  5. Morocco,

    Swear on all good, true life story, this was in my email right after I read your responses this morning. It’s from “Right Brain”:
    “Decision is a sharp knife that cuts clean
    and straight; indecision, a dull one that
    hacks and tears and leaves ragged edges
    behind it.”
    Gordon Graham (journalist)

    The thought for the day was:
    Not making a decision is deciding not to decide.
    Are we clear?

    Weird, huh?

  6. Easiest way to accept her as your soon to be sister in law is to attempt to place yourself in her shoes. Look at things from her perspective and how she might feel. She might already be very intimidated of you and not really know to approach you or the rest of your family the way you feel she should. Attempt to find any little commonality that you might have faced at some point in your life that might resemble her situation concerning you. Pray for UNDERSTANDING and I bet you will receive everything you need to make the relationship between you, her, and your brother much healthier.

  7. Yeah, I hear you loud and clear but I’m dragging my feet on this one. I get tired of being the “bigger person.” Can’t I be petty for once in my life?! I will pray for God to reveal a way for me to do this.

  8. I keep getting your mail. 🙂 This is from Right Brain.

    Sitting on the fence?
    For one thing…doesn’t it hurt?
    For another…pick one side or the other.

    Ahhh–much better,

    “There’s nothing in the middle of the road
    but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.”
    Jim Hightower (columnist, b 1943)

    “Standing in the middle of the road is very
    dangerous; you get knocked down by traffic
    from both sides.”
    Margaret Thatcher (former UK Prime Minister, b 1925)

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