Tag Archives: sadness

I Bet She’s Happy

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Call me crazy, but I thought that Eliza would want the boys to stay with me for many reasons, namely because:

  1. They were in a stable environment
  2. They have been through a lot
  3. It is their home
  4. She knew that  I would continue escorting them to visit her
  5. I love them and have their best interests at heart
  6. I have treated her kindly and with respect
  7. I encouraged the kids to continue their relationship with her

So when they were taken from me, needless to say, I was very hurt and devastated.  I felt betrayed in a sense.  Every letter that she wrote in praise/support/encouragement of me must have been false.  She was only hugging me to find the best spot to stab me in the back.

She didn’t even have the courtesy to send her sympathies.

Why would she want them with her unstable siblings?  She and her sister do not have a good relationship and are quite jealous of one another.  In fact, at one visit she confided in me that she actually hates her sister.  Not to mention, her sister barely cares for her own two children.  I don’t see how she would be able to take them to visit Eliza on a regular basis considering that she lives many states away.

And her brother–forget about it!  The kids would be better off being raised by a pack of wolves than him.  That would be like appointing my brother, Jazmine’s father, to raise Nicholas if something happened to me!  This is too scary to even imagine.  Though my brother is my kin, I know emphatically that he would not be the best candidate to raise my son.  I’d much rather him be with a nonrelative than a relative with a lack of morals, human decency, and common sense.

Here’s why I think she would want her family to have them:

  1. She feels that they owe her as both were indirectly involved in her crime
  2. They are “family”
  3. I’m not “family” and she could care less about Nicholas
  4. Her sister will probably accept her collect calls
  5. She doesn’t have to deal with me i.e. via mail or in person, in other words, she won’t have to pretend to like me
  6. She is still nursing a grudge
  7. She never wanted them to have a relationship with me in the first place and does not want them to love me
  8. She doesn’t like to share
  9. She wants her family to keep any “benefits” (social security) in the family
  10. She is willing to sacrifice their wellbeing/happiness in order to punish me
  11. She doesn’t care about my feelings
  12. It’s hard to villify the person caring for your kids
  13. I am a reminder that her first marriage did not work
  14. She detested my husband
  15. She detests me

It seems that things have worked in her favor.  Eliza would have to know that my heart is broken into a million little pieces which I’m sure the very thought fills her with joy.  She does not have to fight for custody of the boys after she is released.  Nor does she have to pay the court-ordered child support that has been accumulating since her incarceration.  Finally she will have the kids all to herself!

I know I have to let it go because it is out of my control–something easier said than done.  I’m really having a hard time with everything.  However, I had the feeling last night that I should pray for them, Eliza and her siblings. You are supposed to pray for the people who persecute you. 

And I will continue to pray that God will protect Ethan and Evan from any harm.

Left Behind

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I feel like we have been abandoned, me, Nicholas, and Jazmine that is. 

The very same day of my husband’s death from a heart attack, Eliza’s brother came knocking.  I saw him approaching the walkway and became anxious.  His arrival portended evil.   He was his usual pompus, surly self.  Luckily my aunt and cousin were home with us so I didn’t have to face him alone. 

When my aunt answered the door he demanded to speak with me.  She informed him that I was not feeling up to seeing any visitors so he asked to speak to my husband.  She told him that my husband was not available.  He then asked if he had passed–not your logical follow-up question.  My aunt acknowledged that he did in which he replied, “When he die, a month ago? Did he committ suicide?” 

I was stung by his indecency and began screaming and crying for him to leave.   He yelled that Ethan was his blood and that he carried his last name (he doesn’t).  My cousin ushered him away from the door.  I grabbed the phone and called the police.  I wanted him away from our house ASAP.

When the police arrived he stood outside attempting to manipulate them into believing that he was only there to console his nephew.  He claimed he had no idea that my husband had died.  Two big, burly guys joined his side.  The police  didn’t buy his story especially after eyeing his bouncers and wrote up a trespassing report.  They also put extra patrol in our neighborhood.  The rest of the night him and his sister called without ceasing.  She left many ridiculous messages stating that she only wanted her nephew because I was not “family.”  Wow and ouch was all I could think.  Just a stepmom…

I also received calls from Eliza’s aunt and cousin, who both said that they felt the boys rightfully belonged with me as did the rest of their family.  I asked why the aunt and uncle were behaving like vultures.  Her cousin replied that they probably wanted the money that the boys would draw from his death.  This thought never occurred to me.  The aunt also felt that they were probably carrying out Eliza’s wishes–another troubling thought.  How could Eliza not know how well I cared for the boys?

Monday morning I called the court and informed them of our situation.  The clerk expressed her sympathy and told me that she would do all she could to help keep the kids with me.  She felt that the judge would not want to move them anyhow.  The clerk also told  me to quickly file a document with my intentions.  I had an appointment with the funeral home so I figured I had time to go on Tuesday.  How wrong was I!

Later that evening I got a call from the residential facility saying that  Evan’s aunt and uncle were on their way to discharge him from the hospital.  According to the director, they had valid court papers.  They had went to a probate court judge and was issued an emergency order.  I was dumbfounded, especially considering that our particular case was only to be heard by one judge because he was so familiar with it.  When I broke the news to Evan on Sunday, he was so broken that it was obvious that he was in no condition to leave at such a crucial time.  Evan had asked me to take him home immediatedly, but I was able to convince him to wait until they adjusted his medicine.  I promised that I would pick him up in two weeks.

I called their uncle and pleaded with him not to take him out because he was not at all stable.  He finally relented.  A few hours later he called so that Evan could speak to Ethan.  He lied and had discharged him despite my pleadings!  He then demanded that I hand over his other nephew at almost 12am.  Again, I begged him to wait for a decent hour.  He hung up on me.  A few hours later I heard a lot of banging on the door and saw bright lights  shining into the house.  I became very afraid and called the police.  The operator checked to see if it was the police and determined that it was.

When I opened the door I recognized one of the officers who had been to our house frequently for runs regarding Eliza.  He greeted me and showed me the paperwork.  He seemed bothered that he had to do this particular task.  I had Ethan come out of his bedroom and he looked very scared.  They walked  him down to his new guardians.

I considered fighting them in court, but decided against it.  The probate judge who issued the order died two days after signing the paperwork.  I have been threatened so much that my family and I determined that for our safety I should not.   Their uncle told my SIL that bad things would happen to me if I tried to fight for the kids.   And I know that my husband would not want me living under such fear and pressure. 

It was and still is a difficult decision that I have yet to come to terms with.  I really wanted them here with us.

Two days after the funeral their uncle had the nerve to call and offer his condolences because he said he “liked me!” Once again I became undone as I heatedly inquired why the boys were not allowed to attend their father’s service.  He offered a few lame excuses and I hung up midway through his glib speech.

I have not heard from the boys or  Eliza.  I suspect that they may be in another state with their aunt.   

It’s been a long, hard, mournful month.  Jazmine constantly asks about my husband.  Nicholas has kept pretty quiet.  I don’t think any of us understand, but I do know that we sorely and surely miss all three.

Think Pink

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This week I learned some disturbinng news about my cousin Cia.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer.  When my aunt called and told me, my heart shivered in terror.  I felt choked with denial, sadness, and horror all at the same time.  Why her?

Cia…my cousin has always been a great role model to me.  She took me under her wing as I was growing up.  When she was in college majoring in Engineering, she made sure to expose me to the campus.  She wanted me to have a taste of college life and made sure that I participated in all the programs her university offered for high school students.

It was her who told me about the birds and the bees.

She also began our family newsletter.  When my mother died Cia was the first to call express her love and concern. 

During the holidays she would often host gatherings.  She would cook mounds of delicious foods, including the best caramel and Hershey cakes that would melt in your mouth.

She was there for my open-house, my house-warming, babyshower, the surprise birthday party that I had for my mother, and other important milestones in my life…

Stepmom is also one of her titles.

I have yet to talk to her because I am too upset right now.  I am trying to be strong but I don’t know how.  Our family has been beaten down by tragic deaths.  I couldn’t possibly handle another one.  I keep thinking about her husband and two girls.

The slogan “Race for the Cure” has a whole new meaning for me now.  My mind is consumed with pink thoughts.  I have already converted my debit card over to one that donates to breast cancer research.  A coworker emailed me this link and I couldn’t believe the timeliness of it.  Anyone with a pair of breasts should visit this site daily.  Here is the email:

Please  tell ten friends to tell ten today! 

The  Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough
people to  click on their site daily to meet their quota of
donating at  least one free mammogram a day to an
underprivileged  woman. 
It  takes less than a minute to go to their site and clickon  ‘donating a mammogram’ — for free (pink window in the  middle).   This  does not cost you a thing. Their
corporate  sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate a  mammogram in exchange for  advertising.

Here’s  the web site!  http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2

Another supportive site can be found here.  I made a celebration for my cousin.  Please make one for anyone you know who has suffered from this disease.  A dollar will be donated to research for every one made.

From All Angles

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                Mother’s Day will be different for me this year.  It will be my first Mother’s Day as a motherless daughter.  As of February 8, 2008, I have no mother to acknowledge and celebrate.  Hallmark will not let me forget this fact either.  I automatically dodge the card aisle upon entering any store.  A short while ago I remember seeing the displays much to my surprise.  I had forgotten that May was the month reserved for mothers.  And it’s not that I place much stock in this commercialized, contrived holiday, because for me, every day was mother’s day.  I always looked at this day as a brilliant marketing strategy on behalf of greeting card companies and floral shops worldwide.  But nevertheless, it was nice to actually have a mother on this day.

            Losing a mother makes one introspective and sensitive. So much in fact that it has propelled me to examine this day from all angles—from Eliza’s to Ethan and Evan’s.

            A simple expression of Happy Mother’s Day from Ethan and Evan has always sufficed for me because while I am not their mother, I a mother.  I never expected anything more than this, not even a card.  But this was even hard for them to do.  Last year on our first Mother’s Day together, my husband inquired if they had told me, and they admitted that they had not.  They “forgot.”  My feelings were hurt slightly but I quickly recovered.  As always, our son Nicholas was there to celebrate me with his beautifully handcrafted AND store bought cards, poems, and frequent reminders throughout the day of what a great mom I was.  One day while at Wal-Greens’s he had even selected the aforementioned card without my assistance and casually asked me to pay for it!

            But this year…I think I understand how they were feeling.  It too was their first Mother’s Day without Eliza.  They probably just wanted to spend this day in the company of their own mom expressing the sentiment to her; just as I would like to do with my own. No ommy, substitute mommy, guest mom, or second mom will do.  I want my mommy.  As children I can only imagine how they feel; and Eliza, too. 

            So this year on Mother’s Day, I will be working on a scrapbook in memory of my mother.  We have already started making some things for Eliza.  While Ethan, Evan, or I can’t be with our moms in the physical sense, we can at least be with them in spirit.  Happy Mother’s Day to all!