TGIF–Not!

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Fridays have taken on a whole new meaning for me. It used to be that I could hardly “wait”  for the day to come.  Now I can barely get through them.  No longer do they represent happiness and relief from working. Fridays are sadness, loneliness, and  terrible memories that surface.  Every Friday I relive that horrible night.  Friday is the day all the trouble began.

Saturdays, too, are classified the same as Friday.  Saturday was the official day of his death.

And for some reason yesterday (Friday) just felt so much more heavier than usual on top of the  forlornness that I normally feel.  There were “signs” everywhere that I could not “read.”

  • During my prep I made a personal call, and while on hold, I grabbed the nearest magazine (Lady’s Home Journal) to pass the time.  The first article I encountered was called “To Happy Endings.”  The author wrote about the many problems she had faced in 2008.  No matter how many times life surprises you, you never get used to the shock. A year ago I couldn’t have pictured all that has come to pass in my world in 2008: my mother’s death, the end of my second marriage and a raft of other heartaches big and small… Midway through the article it mentioned that she had been widowed in her early thirties!  I about fell off of the stool I was perched on!
  • After reading her story, the article I turned to next had my husband’s name in large letters!  Turns out that one of the adult dogs who played Marley in the movie Marley & Me has the same name as my husband!
  • The last feature I read in the magazine was an interview with a mom.  The final question asked what she wished her family had money for.  She said she wanted money to restore their emergency fund as it had been depleted.  She also desired money so that her family could visit her in-laws in (take a wild guess) Morocco!
  • During my sixth period some of the students were talking while working on their assignment.  A female student was casually sharing the fact that she spent 11 1/2 months in residental treatment.  This of course caught my attention because this is the exact amount of time that Evan spent in treatement as well!
  • One of my student’s brother, who attends our middle school has been acting out because their father died recently.  Her brother’s name is Ethan (also in middle school)!
  • I received a call from Eliza’s sister’s cell phone.  I did not answer the call and no message was left.
  • On Wednesday I kept my friend’s two sons while she went out on a date.  They are the same ages as my stepsons.  It felt really eerie having them there.  Later in the evening she sent a text asking What are my boys doing?  This is the way Eliza always referred to Ethan and Evan,  Although this did not happen on Friday, it still triggered many memories.

I was haunted all day and night long.  Even while I was “stealing time.”  I felt overwhelmed and crushed by the memories and what-if’s.  Later in the day I was exhausted and took a sleeping pill to stop my wandering mind.  But I do wonder if it was all a coincidence or some kind of sign?

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8 responses »

  1. It’s really freaky at times how things can happen and how coincidences are. Also, depending on our moods, how we take them. Try and take care. This has got to be so hard for you and I’m very sorry. Try and have a good weekend. Put on your blue “sassy” shoes and do a little dance.

  2. I was trying to think of what to write to you. I started and stopped several messages. None of them seemed appropriate. The only thing I can say is that I will be praying for you. It’s said that time heals all wounds. Although I have found that to be partially true, it is not completely true. Fridays & Saturdays may always make you sad, but things will get better. They have to. Nothing too good or too bad lasts for too long. (Even though it seems like it).

  3. Morocco, my faith would make me believe that your husband was sending you signs of love. You are lucky to have so many ways to remember him by!

  4. Morocco, I know I’ve had days like that, where everything seems to be a reminder of something hurtful in my heart. I am sorry you had a day like that. Continually, you are in my prayers.

  5. Morocco, we attract to us what we internally feel. IMO, you have many conflicting feelings regarding your husband’s death, this is naturally so. Therefore, you will attract to you what you what resonates internally. This is a healthy way of coming to terms with your previously past experiences. Since this is coming to you at this time, take a pencil , paper and write down your thoughts on this. This is a signal for you to recognize or acknowledge something within you that needs to be addressed. You have recognized the similarity’s, therefore this is a call for you to deal with issues you need some resolution. This does not have to be dramatic or painful, it could be as simple as admitting you are feeling, or are not allowing yourself to feel something. This is not a bad thing, but a cathartic way for you to release some pentup energy and heal yourself. This is a good thing!!

  6. Another note: I do not mean to embelish your feelings here, honor how you feel and go from there. Peace, Love & Blessings!!

  7. You are still in the early stages of mourning. You may struggle with Fridays and Saturdays for quite some time. As time goes by, maybe work to establish new traditions and build new memories on Fridays and Saturdays so that the days once again become sweet. But give yourself time in this. You have received quite a blow…you still need time to heal.

  8. oh, morocco. i don’t know what to say. i wish you peace. i agree with doraz. for the longest time after my dad died, i swore i saw him in the grocery store. he was sitting at a bus stop with a backpack. he was walking down the street, he was driving a car. every time, i knew it wasn’t really him. but i soaked it up. i stared because i knew any second i would realize that it wasn’t him. but i soaked it up because i missed him.

    i was the idiot smiling wistfully at strangers. and i was fine with that.

    love and love and love to you.

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