Griefcase

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I don’t think most mental health professionals support compartmentalizing emotions.  However, as a way to get through the day, I pull out my “griefcase.”   I am constantly in and out of it to examine and understand the following contents:

  • My husband:  Memories of love, laughter, and life…why so soon?
  • Nicholas:  I refuse to let him get caught in the mayhem as he has suffered a major loss as well.  I’m trying to shift my focus onto him and tend to his needs more.
  • Jazmine:  She misses him but is finally to the point where I think she understands that he is in “the sky.”  It just breaks my heart that she has to live without his gentle spirit.  He was definitely a father figure to her.
  • Ethan: I hope he believes (I have a feeling that they and their mom for that matter were told something contrary) that it was not my choice for them to leave.  I pray he feels our love and uses it to help him endure
  • Evan:  My baby…I miss him…I truly hope that his time in treatment wasn’t in vain.  I want him to know how much he is loved by us.  I hope Evan knows how much we were looking forward to him coming home!!! I’m so sorry that he didn’t get to make it!!!
  • Eliza: I have many hurt feelings about her.  Call me naive but I thought I was making a breakthrough with her.  How she was so willing to throw her own kids under the bus to punish me totally befuddles and saddens me.  I feel like I have no closure because I was carelessly discarded when my husband died.  Maybe I should try the letter writing thing where I get my feelings out and then don’t actually mail it.
  • Her brother and sister:  Oh my goodness, evil is alive and well!  People never cease  to amaze me!  And they keep wanting to interact with me for some strange reason.  Her brother called on Christmas Eve.  Her sister called twice the day after Christmas.  Neither the twisted sister or the demented brother will leave a message.  I’m sure you can guess what the brother wants.  Now the sister, who knows?  Unfortunately, I am not stable enough at this point to converse nicely with these lovely people so I continue to ignore any attempts at communication.  I just can’t tolerate any tomfoolery or malarkey.
  • Me: It’s probably more of me stored in the griefcase than anything else.  Am I still a stepmom I wonder frequently?  What do I do with myself?  I don’t want a new life–I liked the one I had.   I’m still a wife it’s just that my husband is dead.  Needless to say, I’m one mixed-up Ms.
  • Our house: Of course everything is just as he left it, especially in the garage.  The Mountain Dew that he was drinking is still in his cup holder.  I don’t want to touch anything and I can’t bear to part with his stuff.  I could try selling the house but I almost feel like I would be leaving him behind.

Coach should add the “griefcase” to their line-up–they would sell well!

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7 responses »

  1. I so understand the part of not being able to part with anything. My mom gave me my dad’s park avenue after he passed. I drove it for several years and then was hit by a teen driver who was speeding and not paying attention. That car set in my yard for 2 years while my mom told me I should get it out of there. I couldn’t send it to the junkyard. I finally gave in a few months ago. Stupid of me wasn’t it?

    I am so sorry that you’ve had to go thru all this. I wish for your sake that Eliza’s family would leave you in peace.

  2. I think the way you organized your thoughts and feelings is probably so healthy. Your dealing with everything and that’s so much more than most people are able to do. The things you have been through are so awful, and it pains me to know that such a wonderful person is enduring so much.

    I can’t help but believe that the boys will feel your love and prayers. As my 9 year old always tells me, kids don’t forget. The boys will remember how much you love and cared for them, and you will be the light that sustains their darkest days. I also believe that Eliza and her family will be dealt with for what they’ve done to the boys, you, and your family.

    May peace be yours, Morocco…

  3. When people’s intentions are harmful, life has a way of coming around. As you sow, so you reap. Eliza, and family will most certainly experience this

    This christmas would be difficult for you and rightly so. Take it one day at a time and do what you need to do for you. You will be experiencing many fluctuating feelings, emotions etc. Even though it may feel like crap at times, it is healty and cathartic for you. You will be experiencing happy thought and not so happy thougts. That is okay.

    Time will determine how you want to handle things. Go with how you feel, a grieving process is an individual experience. So honor your wants, needs etc and life will unfold for you the way it should.

    The boys will understand more as they grow older. They will see through much of the deceit. Again time will show that.

    Sending you love, peace, and blessings as always.

  4. are we guessing what the brother wants? because i have a guess… he wants your christmas socks. maybe he wants my christmas socks. have you seen them? there’s even VIDEO. because they light up.

    i’m so so sorry you’re going through this while grieving for your husband.

    letting go of things is hard. i still have a receipt that my dad signed 10 years ago. it’s in a box. and sometimes i take it out and look at it. his signature. he was there, i was there. we were there in that moment together.

    hugs to you, and peace.

  5. So many of don’t realize how many lives we touch and how deeply. Your husband must have been a truly wonderful man. I’m struck deeply by your sentence, ” I don’t want a new life–I liked the one I had.”

    I’m wrapping my cyber-arms around you in a cyber-hug.

  6. Amy, you still have your father in your heart. Those memories can never rot, rust, be stolen, or damaged.

    It’s funny that you mentioned the receipt Yolanda because the night my husband died before he came home, he had stopped at the gas station. I still have that receipt!

    I think your little one is right Stacy, kids don’t forget!

    Been There, grief is quite a roller coaster ride, albeit a ride I never wished to board. However, I’m trying to go in whatever direction it takes me as I have nothing left to do. I am considering attending a bereavement support group.

    Really I thank you all for every comment that you write. They help sustain me. JAG, thanks for the hug–I so need them!

  7. I usually am not at a lost for words, but after reading the comments already given there’s not much I can add because I agree with everything that has been said already. Morroco, you continue to amaze me with how you handle everything put in front of you with such grace. You  keep all the titles that you have ie: mom, stepmom, wife, because no matter what happens, they all describe you and then some. If you know the (word) as I feel you do, then you know you will, when it is time, see and be with your husband again, and he will know you as wife.    You continue  to be in my thoughts and prayers.

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