Channeling Hannah

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I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a long time and here goes it.  Today I would like to spend some time examining the growing phenomenon of the so-called “bitter” stepmom.  I’ve been seeing this term on many blogs lately.

My general opinion is that we all have the right to blog about our feelings and perspectives.  I don’t recall WordPress excluding certain emotions.  Furthermore, I find it odd and hypocritical when other stepmom bloggers write about “bitter” stepmoms who judge the exwife in their life.  They state that it is not right/healthy for them to do so.  But isn’t that a form of judging in itself? 

I am thankful that God gave us such a wide range of emotions.  It is okay to be bitter just as it is okay to be joyful, fearful or envious.  Personally speaking, I am bitter about my stepmom situation from time to time.  And to quote Kela, so what?  Does that make me a “bad” stepmom?  I embrace all of my feelings–the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I learn from them all.

If all stepmom blogs were alike–would we grow or glean any wisdom from reading them?  It takes all kind. Bitter or not, we are all stepmoms.  Some “bitter” stepmoms might be annoyed by the “Pollymamas.”  Everything isn’t always good and that’s keeping it real.

 On this long, strange trip with Eliza, I have grown from blogging.  I am able to learn from many of the blogs that  I follow.   I reflect on the comments.  Blogging helps me see things from more than one angle.   Even if it is a “bitter” blog, I try to take something away from it or I simply stop reading it.  I don’t feel that I have the right to dictate feelings or thoughts. 

Also, it is easy to label other stepmoms as bitter when you have a good/civil/friendly relationship with the exwife.  Trust me, I know.  If you read through my earlier posts I was much more forgiving/tolerant/peaceful about Eliza.  Now that the tide has turned, I have to work extra hard not to be bitter/cynical/petty/judgemental/whiny/mean/spiteful–pick one.  This is my challenge and I love it!

I am able to celebrate the stepmoms who have a working/great relationship with the exwife just as I am able to commiserate with the stepmoms who don’t have this luxury.

Rhonda and I always joke about how we would handle a negative comment.  But because we feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion, we would post the remark and simply say “thank you for comment,” and leave it at that.  We decided if the commenter refuses to let the issue go; we would kindly delete those comments.

I however, I have chosen not to leave negative/judgemental comments to  put any blogger in their “place.”  My opinion is no more valid than any one else’s.  If I can’t say something supportive or provocative in a considerate way, then I say nothing at all.  I blog primarily for my own self—not to “check”  or chastise others.  I don’t have the time or desire for that.  I like to think we are all in this together.

Besides, we are all in unique predicaments.  I don’t know any of my online friends intimately–other than what I read.  It seems that we judge each other far more harsher than the exwives themselves!

I blog for peace, growth, healing, fun, relaxation, pleasure, and yes, venting.  Remember, if you don’t like the contents of any particular blog, you do not have to read/continue reading it.  It’s just that simple.  Full Moon welcomes stepmoms of all kind–bitter, happy, angry, frustrated, jealous, evil (hehe)–do you catch my drift?  You may come as you are.

This leads me to the title of my post, Channeling Hannah, in reference to Nobody’s Perfect.  That includes me and you, dear reader.  Just know…

My intentions are good
Sometimes just misunderstood
Nobody’s Perfect!
I gotta work it!
Again and again ’til I get it right
Nobody’s Perfect!
You live and you learn it!
And if I mess it up sometimes…
Nobody’s perfect

And this blog is me working it!

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10 responses »

  1. Extraordinary post Morocco!

    I totally agree with you. I’m sure at one point everyone has had some not so good thoughts about the other person in their steplife situation. If your sitation is ideal and everyone gets along that is great! There are many of us that do not get along with the Ex.

    Before Morocco and I started this blog, we visited other sites to get information and support. I have learned many things in search of “a better way” to deal with my situation. Every situation is different. What may work for one may not work for the other.

    This has been a big learning experience for me. I have, on more than one occasion, said that I wish I would have known things BEFORE I got married. But I keep moving anyway and keeping fighting for a better way. Even if I am fighting this battle alone.

    I am thankful for the bloggers who have helped me in my journey as a stepmom. Some I continue to read and some that I don’t. Morocco you are right, we as stepmoms do not have to attack each other because of our own opinions. We should help or not comment at all. And this is MY opinion.

    I love this post!

  2. “My opinion is no more valid than any one else’s. If I can’t say something supportive or provocative in a considerate way, then I say nothing at all.”

    This is exactly how I feel. It’s your space- what you write is your feelings and your business. I just thank you for sharing.

  3. Morocco, thank your for posting this on behalf of all stepmom’s who have a very challenging ex-wife in their life. I love your blog as I think it is filled with genuine feelings and thoughts of a woman trying to figure out how to deal with a very real and difficult situation. I always say that you are my inspiration because you are an amazing person and you don’t pretend that things are okay when they’re not. You are so entitled to your feelings, as we all are, and bless you for having the courage to admit the truth. I applaud anyone with the strength to put up with what you have to with Eliza and still find so many positives in life. To me, you are the epitome of the kind of person I strive to be. This is your blog, you are absolutely entitled to post whatever you wish and if someone doesn’t like it, they don’t have to read it! I wish more people were like you because only in dealing with real feelings and working through our challenges are we able to evolve from life experiences. Thank you for being exactly who you are, I love you blog and am so blessed that you are here to be an inspiration to us all!

  4. I came across your blog and love it. Wow, is all I can say. I am a stepmom and bio mom too. I so, congratulate you on how you have handled yourself. I would not have been able to do so, if I was in your shoes. You are not only very giving but you really put yourself out there. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and what you see is what you get. Very courageous. I will continue to read on. I have also experienced the narcissistic bio mom. Up till I met her, I had never experienced the likes of one. Quite the manipulative, distorted, controlling, pyschotic mentality. Thanks for sharing, as this allows me to see,how others handle these same personalities.

  5. It’s posts like these, and even the fun ones, that I’m so glad that I decided to start blogging about my new journey. In a two-months time that I’ve started it has already helped and made such a difference.

    “Everything isn’t always good and that’s keeping it real.”

    That is so true … I always try to have an optimistic outlook because it’s helped me get through some rough times, but sometimes it is OK to just let it out. One of my hardest lessons I had to learn in college was “It’s OK to be angry at other people.”

    Thank you for sharing this today.

  6. What a great post, not only do you make a place for bitter stepmoms but you have made room for a bitter BM 🙂

    Blogging is a great way to get it out and this is your blog so say WHATEVER you want, I enjoy reading your journey – good and bad – and it helps me so much with my journey.

    WOMAN are much harder on each other, this is aggrevated when the 2 woman don’t care for each other. It is what it is!!!

  7. I’m bitter plenty of the time. It’s a hard thing to hide. I love reading about other stepmoms, in any phase of emotion, because I too have been through all the emotions and I can relate. It makes me feel saner to realize that there are others going through these things too, even if their situation is different.
    I love reading your blog! Thanks for welcoming everyone and every emotion in. It shows what kind of person you are- open and accepting.

  8. I’m like you, if I don’t have something helpful to say when visiting another’s blog I just don’t comment at all. I would rather we all show each other support and not judge. Each situation is unique, our backgrounds are unique, and so we are going to handle things in different ways and no one has the right to judge how we handle the difficulties in our life.

    Amen to this post!

  9. Not being a stepmom, I can’t comment on that. However, I know that when my kids were little I suffered from what I call “perfect mom” syndrome. All these people that I knew had seemingly “perfect” children, and they never had any problems. Life at my house was very different. It wasn’t until a woman at church opened up about the difficulties she was having as a mother, that I realized my life was “normal.” Everyone else was so busy looking good, but not talking about reality. That is one reason that I blog. I learn from others reality, and I hope that people can learn from mine. We help each other on this journey.

    Your feelings are true, and your thoughts insightful.

  10. I certainly agree with your assertion that if all of our blogs were alike, how would we learn from each other? For me, blogging is about not only using my experiences to pave a better way for other Second Moms and Ex-Wives; but it also helps me to learn more about myself and my situation. To that end, while I certainly believe in being supportive; I don’t believe in sugar-coating! I firmly believe that open, honest dialogue, positive or negative, promotes change. We cannot begin to heal the dynamics of our respective blended families without first hearing the truth. The truth about our actions make each other feel. The truth about how we see those actions affecting the children. The truth about even our own contribution to the breakdown in communication – THE TRUTH! One cannot seek true understanding without first hearing or telling the truth! It’s not about judging, however, it is all about the delivery! By that same token, I respect, accept and expect to the hear the truth from my readers about how they feel about my actions (as described in my posts). We cannot grow if we continually “cosign” by simply telling each other what we want to hear. We learn by giving and receiving that open, honest dialogue. It doesn’t mean that you have to be nasty; but in order to grow and learn (that’s the reason for my blog), it does mean that you have to tell me how you really feel. As such, we should receive this honest information on the basis that the reader doesn’t know the whole story. Therefore, one should take what they can from the comments that are left on their blogs; and leave what you don’t need because that person may have misunderstood what you were saying. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

    Let’s face it, AT CERTAIN POINTS in our chaotic blended family worlds, we are ALL bitter! Even the families that have wonderful relationships with their ex-spouses. It’s a tough world to navigate; and even in the best families it is filled with bitterness, anger, joy, heartbreak, sorrow, confusion, worry, grief, etc. I know this because these same emotions even exist in a “traditional” family. Bitterness doesn’t mean bad; it just means that we’re “normal.”

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