Life Wife


I’ve been thinking a lot about being a “second wife.”  Personally, I really don’t view myself in this manner.  I like to think of myself as a “life wife.”  After all, we are in this thing together for life.

Eliza used to remind me that she was married to him first as if that made her the winner of some contest that I didn’t know I had entered.  I have no idea why, as I have never had a problem acknowledging that fact that she is his former spouse.

At the inception of our relationship, she had attempted to get me fired from my job several times.  Once she went as far as going down to the superintendent’s office to air her grievances.   When Eliza soon realized that the school administration would not get involved in her personal vendetta against me she grew irate. My boss finally cautioned Eliza that she was trespassing on school grounds.  She also advised her to leave us alone and move on with her life.  She responded that my husband would never really belong to me because she had him first!  I was truly astonished by her immaturity.

I don’t see the glory in being involved in a failed marriage.  True, it is a fact of life but not much to brag about.  The best thing that came out of that particular union are the kids.  That’s it.

At the last court date, Eliza must have gotten tired of hearing the judge refer to me as “his wife.”  She quickly switched from calling him by his first name to “my ex-husband.”  Well, your Honor, my exhusband…My ex-husband said…When my exhusbandI asked my exhusband…we both found this peculiar considering how much she detests him.  Why would she want to lay any kind of claim to him–past or present?    This was my first time hearing her use the term.  Again, she simply threw it about as a reminder to everyone that she was “The First.”  But I think she failed to take into account that the husband she had is not the one I have.  It is afterall, his second time around.  His experience with her has helped him be a better husband to me. 

In our society we are consumed with being number one.  Everyone remembers the first man to walk on the moon, as well as we know that Martha Washington was the first First lady.  Don’t forget that must people want to fly first class.  We live for firsts because we are such a competitive society that second place just won’t do.  I mean look at the world of sports today. It’s only about the title.  But I can say that this is one situation in which being second is the best.

6 responses »

  1. I detest labels and categories, I am who I am, like me or not, it’s totally irrelevant to me. This was a really thought provoking post, I really liked it. I am not a competitive person, so I don’t care if I’m first, second, third or fourth, I’m happy, he’s happy and the kids are happy.

    My outlook on my remarriage is that I really don’t care what number I am or he is, we’re here and it’s the best marriage of our lives. I love how you used the term “life wife” because that’s exactly how I see myself in my husband’s life. I am it! I also really love how you pointed out that we’re different people than our former spouses were married to. We change, we evolve, we grow and I think we conform to create balance with the one we love.

    My husband and I have talked in length about feeling so blessed that we have found each other. If not for our former relationships, we wouldn’t have our amazing kids and be the people we are today, but we definitely feel that this marriage is the best of our lives. We love that we have chosen to be married to each other for no other reason than we “want” to be together. We look at our marriage as an absolute equal partnership.

    I echo your sentiments, “this is one situation in which being second is the best”!

  2. You know growing up in blended families I never saw it from my parents’ point of view. It is so enlightening to me to read your blogs. I am certain that I hear echoes of my mother in some of your posts.

    I too love the term “life wife.” I have a friend that I plan on sharing that with.

  3. Morocco, I agree with Stacy’s comments, I too dislike labels. It’s not important who’s was first, or second, or third etc, etc as long you are both currently happy with each other. A person who spends too much time living in the past, won’t have much of a future.

  4. Can I just say that I really related with this post. I dislike labels, yet there I am, labeling myself all the time. But this entry really helped me kind of gather all of the little thoughts I’ve had and pull them together.

    And you’re right, it’s not about the first choice or even the second choice. It’s about the best choice we could make and following through with it.

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