If the Crown Fits…


Remember a couple weeks ago I posted about Kierra’s Visitor? Well I almost severed a 17 year friendship because of the conversation I had with my friend reguarding The Visitor. Here’s why…

I was talking to my friend when everything was happening and I told her I would call her back. Later in the evening when I finally got around to, I filled her in on what was going on. My friend made a comment that I didn’t quite like and I quickly ended our conversation.

My friend, who is a BM, told me that she would be pissed too if her daughter was with her stepmom when she started her cycle. I was so offended by this comment. And let me just say that in the 12 years I have been a stepmom to Kierra, this was not the first comment made by her that didn’t sit well with me.

My friend has made many comments about things that she wouldn’t like her daughter’s stepmom doing. I took offense because I was doing most of those things her stepmom was doing and more for Kierra, and my friend’s daughter as well. What’s more confusing is the fact that I am her daughter’s Godmother and I do the exact things for her as I do for Kierra. And she does not have a problem what-so-ever with my involvement.

This is really upsetting to me. Stepmom vs. Godmother vs. BM. If Godmothers are allowed to be mom to these children with no problem, why not stepmoms?

I stewed over her last remark for a couple of days and even talked to Morocco about this situation. I was so upset. After I thought about it I decided to talk to my friend because it would be a shame to let 17 years of friendship go down the drain just because I didn’t tell her how I felt.

She ended up calling me first and asked how Kierra was doing. Perfect, this gave me an opening. I told my friend how upset I was that she made this comment and it hurt my feelings. I asked her if she viewed me as her daughter’s stepmom because of the comments she makes. I thought “WOW, she reminds me of Christine and must be wearing her (Christine) crown!”

My friend asked me why I didn’t tell her how I felt. I said that I didn’t know how to approach the subject. Even though she has hurt my feelings over and over again, I didn’t want to do that to her. She apologized and I accepted. Soon after we ended the call.

The next morning my friend called me crying saying that the night before she thought about all the things she has said to me over the years and she apologized again. She told me she could not relate to me because she is not a stepmom. But that she understands how I may feel when Christine does and says mean and hurtful things. I started crying as well. We ended our call on a good note this time and I am thankful that we were able to salvage our friendship.


4 responses »

  1. Rhonda, this was a interesting situation. If step moms and godmothers both do the same things for a child, why would step moms be viewed as bad people and not godmothers? My answer to that questions is the stepmoms are with the fathers of the child and the god mothers are not. The BM will always find fault with the woman who is currently with their ex. It’s not the actions of the step moms that are the real problem, it’s the fact that the step moms exists at all. Your friend didn’t know she was hurting your feelings because her thoughts about step moms didn’t include you. Once she realized how you felt, she showed her true friendship by saying she was sorry for hurting you. A (true) friend, feels your pain, and hurt even more when they know they have done something to hurt the person they really care about. (You)  I glad you and her worked this this mis-understanding out.

  2. Easy- Godparents are handpicked by the parents. Stepparents are not, they are chosen by the ex without any input from BM whatsoever. It’s a totally different situation. Godparents aren’t seen as stepping on toes because (in general) they are not playing the role of “mom” in day-to-day life.

    Oldfriend has posted a very wise reply, and much more articulately than I could have 🙂

  3. Rhonda I’m so glad that you and your friend were able to work this out. True friends are so hard to come by and such a treasture.

    Oldfriend, you are a very wise person, and so right about everything you said. I always wonder if circumstances were different, would the woman who’s the BM and the woman’s who’s the NW maybe be friends?!

  4. Stacy, it’s my opinion, that (all) women could be friends….. As long as a man isn’t in the picture, that’s when the competition begins and the feuds start. 

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