As soon as I returned home from Seattle I jumped right in to prepare my home for the fall. This is a habit I just picked up. The women in my family are hoarders and I try my best to get rid of things that I am no longer using. I have been guilty of hoarding things from time to time. My husband has given me hints that it’s time to throw away/ give away but I hold on “just in case.” Since we no longer have storage space I had to take his advice.
So I started in our bedroom closet. Back in the corner I found a box that I had stored there shortly after we moved into our new home. I knew exactly what was in the box and my first though was to toss the whole box without opening it. I didn’t follow my own advice, something that I told Morocco that she shouldn’t do a couple weeks ago. I opened old wounds. Inside the box were my old journals dated 1999-2004. Five years worth of drama in one box. Everything that the BM had done to my family was right there in black and white.
I read some of the pages and the memory of my life back then made my stomach turn. I was so unhappy. My life was not supposed to turn out this way. was written in 1999. I just want to bust her face open was written in 2000. Why won’t she find a man and leave us alone was written in 2001. Why, why why???? was written in 2002. And in 2003 I wrote about her trying to have my husband go downtown with her to increase child support after the purchase of our new home. That’s just the VERY short version. In 2004 I wrote about changing my focus. New beginnings is my last entry. I wonder why I never finished that journal. Oh I know why because even though things SEEMED to get better with the BM, she always found a way to cause more chaos.
As I sat there on the floor in my closet, journals in my lap, I said to myself “Let it go Rhonda, just let it go.” I ripped the pages into tiny pieces. BM is not in my inner circle. The things she does can no longer hurt me–only if I allow them to. I refuse to allow her to hurt me.
It’s funny how this came about. Morocco and I have been talking about switching our focus. I do not feel good talking about (writing or reading about) the things BM does all the time. I’m quite sure that I will not stop cold turkey but just not all the time. My life is so much more than the BM and her drama. I’m finished cleaning out my closet. Now I have room for new things!