Makes Me Wanna Holler

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For the life of me I can not understand why Eliza likes to be so contentious.  You would think in her circumstances that she would focus all of her attentions on improving herself.  You would think that she would be on a peace-seeking mission.  Not!

I received her latest letter today in the mail.  While it seemed civil on the surface; it was really loaded with duplicities.  This time the wording was less accusatory and more cordial.  She even included a brief paragraph about the culinary arts class she is taking.  I’m sure it  was a ploy to get the information she wanted.  Really, she only wants to know what they are saying about her.  However, Eliza must have realized by my last reply that firing word missiles would not work.  Perhaps she has figured that she is likely to have more success catching flies with honey than vinegar. 

But as usual, everytime she writes she asks the same exact questions that she has already asked in previous letters.  And I have already provided her with answers.  Not to mention, when I see her once a month, I give her an update on Evan as well.  So really she has no need to write me other than for vexation purposes–this is something which she does so well.  This time she wrote:  Morocco, if you could send me a copy of a progress report or documentation stating the nature of the concerns posed pertaining to Evan’s condition I would greatly appreciate it.  I would just like to be brought up to date with any regression or progress that he may be experiencing.  Just to have a better understanding as to what is going on with Evan.  Please kiss the boys for me and tell them I send all of my love. 

This repetitious practice only supports my theory that she is extremely paranoid and anxious about her inability to control her children (and us) as she sees fit.  It also signals a lack of trust in us.  This is wearing me down to the bone.  She is really starting to work my nerves.  I almost feel as if she is trying to “catch” me in something, what I am not sure.  My answers don’t change because you can’t really alter the truth. 

In no way will she take responsibility for any of her children’s problems and I can’t force her to do so.  When I share with her that Evan is having issues with things that went on in her household she gets extraordinarily defensive.  She also feels that I am only telling her these things to be judgemental and to hurt her feelings. Though Eliza claims she wants to know everything that is going on with her boys, she really doesn’t because she can’t handle the truth.  I too, have sent her clinical summaries from the previous therapist that Evan worked with.  She was in denial then as well.  She had the audacity to question the creditidentals of the highly qualified therapist.  Eliza argues about everything written in the clinical notes as if she was a trained pyschologist.   So you see, you can’t win for losing with her.  But the things that happened under her roof can’t be erased.  They do have to be addressed.  Obviously she does not realize that she can make the choice to be bitter or better.  Plus, I can only sugarcoat so much before it results in a stomach ache for the both of us!  Such madness!

I find myself in the same position  as I was in around mid-June.  I am depending on God to give me the right words to say again.  I know that He does not want me to spar with her.  At the beginning of her letter, Eliza wrote Know that you are a part of my prayers daily.  I truly hope she is being sincere because I do need strength for the journey.

Note: This is my reply: 

El,

 

Hello, I hope all is well with you.  The boys and I are doing fine.  Not much has changed with Evan since I spoke to you regarding him at the last visit. Again, we are scheduled to have our first 24 hour pass with him on August 2nd. 

 

He is still working to improve in the following areas:

  • Poor impulse control and mood modulation, indicative of a mood disorder
  • Resistance to accepting direction and limits from authority figures, inappropriate roles with adults
  • PTSD symptomology related to witnessing violence/murder. 

I will continue to keep you abreast of any new developments.

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9 responses »

  1. Who has times for games such as these? I mean really/!

    If it was me, I would send her a polite letter saying that you have already sent her all the information you have and that as soon as you get more, of course, you will send it. I would then give her the names and contact details of the various professionals involved in this and say that in the future you would prefer it if she directed any questions to them, as after all, they are best placed to answer them. You are not, as you are not a professional.

    That way you get her off your back. And in truth, if she is to accept responsibility, she needs to hear it directly from the horse’s mouth.

    There is no way you can win in this and she is putting you in an awful predicament. Of course she will be defensive. It is natural. And coming from you – her arch enemy – just makes it an even more bitter pill for her to swallow.

    So my best advice is remove yourself as the middle woman.

  2. Natz,

    You are so right–she is trying to play mind games with me. However, legally the residential treatment facility can’t correspond with her in that manner because she does not have joint custody. That’s why I send her the clinical summaries. I would hate to ignore her because I find that to be so rude…

    I even understand her defensiveness though I guess it doesn’t matter who tells her because she acts the same way when she reads the summaries.

    I’ve tried to remove myself from the equation. It’s just difficult to do so given our situation. She refuses to deal with my husband in any manner. Again, I see her once a month and I provide her with updates then. She should already know that if anything pressing transpires that I will let her know as I always have. Truthfully, I feel sorry for her because she is so unhealthy.

  3. She really does sound unhealthy. I think your return letter was worded perfectly, no need to change a thing.

    What would happen if you simply told her that from now on she WILL have to deal with your husband because you will no longer be the “go-between?” Would she go ballistic if you drew the line in the sand and insisted that the two PARENTS in the situation deal with each other concerning the boys? I’m just wondering…

  4. I think you worded your response perfectly. You’re in one of those situations that is a no win situation no matter how you look at it. Keep taking deep breaths and praying for wisdom.

    I keep telling myself I only have 10.5 years until my husband no longer has to legally communicate with his ex regarding the youngest of my two stepsons…really 9.5 but we’ll be paying child support for an extra year (19) since he was held back in school. I digress…. While it is difficult remember this is only for a season. It may be a long season but eventually you’ll come to a point when this kind of communication won’t be necessary. The light at the end of a very long tunnel! 🙂

  5. I think sometimes the natural mother focuses too much on what’s going on in the “other” household, instead of really focusing on their child. I will continue to pray for your strength, I know how difficult it is. One day we’ll all look back on this time of our lives and thank the good Lord we made it through!

  6. Ladies~

    Thanks so much for the support, I really need it right now!

    Kweenmama, my husband has perfected the art of no/low contact, so she wouldn’t get anything from him. He is going to stick with what the judge ruled: monthly visits and phone calls every Wednesday 4-6pm via third party. One would think that since she intiated the court hearing that she would accept the terms of the court but she hasn’t.

    There was a time that I used to send her very long letters answering her every question, trying to explain things to her, and giving her lengthy updates. However, she was not content with this and became argumentative, defensive, and competitive. This is when my letters became very brief. I simply respond out of courtesy at this point. She messed up the good thing she had going.

    Knowing her I can’t say that I blame my husband for the way he handles her. I even told her several months ago that she could start addressing her concerns with him–the one she made the children with. She looked at me like I had 8 heads, LOL! I guess she knows that she can appeal to the mother in me for the most part.

  7. I think your reply was perfect!

    You have the best way of wording things. It’s a shame she tries to pull these games with you. It’s like she’s always hoping for a different answer- one that doesn’t make his problems directly related to her behavior.

    I think your answer was great. Informational and factual.

    God be with you!

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