A Woman Possessed!

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Ian and Imani have been through a great deal in their short lives.  My husband I go the extra mile to assure that they are safe. When Ian and Imani first arrived at our home they referred to our house as “Husband’s and Rhonda’s house.”  One day while driving home Imani wanted to know where we were headed.  Ian replied, “To Husband and Rhonda’s house.”  I spoke up, “Ian and Imani we are going home.  You guys live there, too.  From now on you can say, ‘We are going home.’  Do you understand?”  Yes, they responded uncertainly.  Of course I had to provide this gentle reminder to them a few more times before it finally sunk in.

Everyday Imani and I have a game we play. Whenever I come in from work Imani takes off running.  I can hear her little feet charging across the floor.  The first time Imani started this game, she hid under her bed.  Imani called out my name over and over again.  I went to her room but she was not there.  So I turned around and went back down the hallway thinking she was in our bedroom.  Nope.  She was not there either.  Imani called my name again.  I went back to her room and did not see her.  I finally figured that she was either under her bed or in the closet.  I checked in the closet, she was not there.  I lifted the bed skirt on her bed and there she was.  Laughter filled the room.  “You found me Rhonda!”  “Yes I did,”   I always affirm. Imani hides under her bed every time.  One day she tricked me and pulled her “blankie” in front of her and slide back against the wall.  I did not see her at first.  I left her room thinking she had finally changed the hiding place.  Then I heard her call out my name.  I went back in her room and found her.  Imani loved how she was able to trick me and told everyone so.

Ian loves for me to read to them before bedtime.  I let them choose the book and we take turns sitting on their bed.  After the story, we say our prayers.  Then my husband and I give Ian and Imani hugs and kisses before tucking them in for the night.  We always exit by telling them how much they are loved.

 Ian is like my husband’s little shadow.  I think he enjoys having a male role model.  One evening I had to run to the store and took Imani with me.  My husband and his friend were watching the game so I thought that Ian would want to stay home with the guys.  When I returned, my husband pulled me aside saying that Ian was upset because I didn’t take him.  Wow!  I did not realize that he would feel left out.  I really didn’t think he had even noticed.  Since then, I always make sure to ask Ian if he would like to go with me.

My attachment to the children is growing by the minute.  I check on them constantly just to make sure that they are comfortable.  Even though I am not their bio mom I find myself being really possessive of them.  Morocco talked about this in an earlier post titled “Life in the Village.”  She talked about being territorial with her son.  That is how I feel about Ian and Imani.  It feels surreal.  I did not go through this emotion with Kierra.  Maybe because Kierra has never lived with us, and more importantly, she has a mom.  I am Ian and Imani’s mother figure.  Ian and Imani know that I am not their mother but when they are talking to others, they refer to us as their mom and dad. 

I have an issue concerning Ian and Imani being in the presence of the BM.  I feel so much anxiety over this.  My husband is attending a meeting tonight at Kierra’s school and I am unable to attend.  Ian and Imani may have to go with my husband if we do not find a babysitter.  BM will be there.  I know this may sound crazy but I do not want them around her.  I know she will walk up to my husband and the children and strike up a conversation.  (Background note…whenever we attend any of Kierra’s functions together, BM is very standoffish toward me.  She does not speak.  She walks all around us as if we were invisible.  In the earlier years BM would snatch up Kierra and leave before we could see her.  This morning I found myself trying to rearrange my schedule so that the kids don’t have to be around her.

However, I stopped myself and pondered the situation and oh, my goodness!  It quickly dawned on me that this is what BM must have felt when I came into Kierra’s life.  In some weird way I want to reach out to BM so I can let her know that I get it now!  But I’m afraid to do so given the fact that I have tried to “break the ice” with BM on numerous occasions with no luck.  I am never sure what to do where BM is concerned.  She runs hot and cold.  At times she can be so sweet and then at other times she is frightenly aloof. BM will be one way this week and the next week the total opposite.

So my question to you reader is: should I reach out to BM again or let it go?

 

 

 

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5 responses »

  1. Hi Rhonda, I read your most recent note a few times before I felt I could give you my opinion to your question about if you should ( reach out to BM again) or (just let it go). Based on the info you have provided about her, my opinion about BM has not changed from the last comment to you about her that I submitted to you. It sounds like BM gets her strength from the negative actions she shows towards you. Making things hard for you and being a pain in your side probably makes her feel good. I think her negative feelings are deeper than her just being jealous of your good relationship with her daughter Kierra. I don’t think she has gotten (over) the fact that you are married to the father of her child, and may never get over it. It is my opionion that her actions of trying to keep Kierra from you when you first came on the scene is not the same feeling you are having about not wanting her around your new children. Her motivation was probably about not wanting her child to be around the (new) woman of her former man’. You are building a bond that grows daily with your new kids and you want to protect them from anything that you feel is negative, and BM has been negative to you. This thought may come after the fact, but I see nothing wrong with your husband taking the kids to Kierra’s function and maybe coming in contact with BM. I am sure that your husband would let nothing bad come in contact with his new children. I understand you wanting to reach out to BM and make things nice between you two, but until she shows you some positive actions that shows you she also wants a positive relationship, I wouldn’t keep on putting my hand out towards her only to have her knock it away…. and probably feel great about doing it. So my opinion to your question would be to (let it go ) for now and just enjoy life with your family.

  2. Hi Oldfriend,
    I agree with you on letting it go.
    We took the kids to Kierra’s concert last month. BM did not show up. They really enjoyed the music. Last night’s function was actually a meeting for Kierra’s class. Husband did not know what the set up would be like and if he was ready for interaction (if any) between BM and the children. As it turns out Husband and BM sat in the same row and took a tour with Kierra. The children would have been antsy sitting through the meeting.
    You have a lot of insight on blended families. May I ask? Are you a stepdad?

  3. Sometimes I think the best, most generative, transformative action is to meditate on what BM’s perspective is and to send loving, accepting, healing energy to her. Without necessarily saying anything to her or approaching her. If she has a history of rejecting your friendly overtures, she probably knows you are there, willing to try again. It’s probably more effective to give her space and to just be centered and accepting from a distance. If she changes, you are there for her. I think, from what you say, that she knows that. Sometimes the most effective action is no action — at least outwardly.

  4. Hi Rhonda, no I am not a Step Dad, but I can relate to step dads, step moms and a host of other situations that involve caring and doing. I guess my title should be (Young Grandpa Before His Time). I have two very young grand children ages 5 and 3 ,girl and boy who live in my home along with their mother (my) daughter, who is (still) single. The kids father is a dead beat dad who is not around, nor is he missed. I am very much a hands on person when it comes to people I care about, and I am very much involved in the caring and doing for my grandchildren . I guess what you refer as being my (insight) comes from being exposed to over the years the many different types of people and personalities, both good and bad and learning from both. Thanks for asking…..

  5. oh goodness, how I have been there, and always trying to do the right thing, keep BM involved and informed. It only backfired with her ‘reading something’ into everything I did. Lesson learned: do nothing. So sad, but that’s how it has to be. Keep under the radar, anything else is misinterpreted.

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