Pass the Kids December 2, 2009
Posted by Morocco in This Too Shall Pass.Tags: prison, kids, stepsons, drama, changing custody, SIL, nomads
6 comments
Yesterday I ran into my SIL’s husband at the grocery store. I immediatedly asked about the kids and was told that they would be getting the boys in May. Apparently Eliza has been stirring up trouble from her prison cell with her own sister regarding how she is raising her kids. Fed up, the sister has decided that she’d rather not deal with Eliza, Ethan, or Evan.
This really bothered me. The kids would have been fine with me, yet they were senselessly uprooted out of spite. Doesn’t she see how this nomadic lifestyle will eventually have an adverse affect on her boys? Not to mention, my SIL is not the best candidate to rear a child. They live in a two bedroom apartment for starters and are barely getting by. Her husband has 5 kids outside of the 1 they have together, plus she has another daughter. My SIL is also half-baked, literally and figuratively speaking.
Her husband is not in favor of this and has decided that if she goes against his wishes, he will move out. With Evan’s behavioral problems, the number of kids they already have to provide for, and the fact that Eliza and her looney tune brother would never leave them in peace, I understand why he is saying no.
TGIF–Not! March 21, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Dark Side of the Moon.Tags: family, students, death, sadness, stepsons, memories, husband, problems, Lady's Home Journal, Friday, Saturday, emotional burdens
8 comments
Fridays have taken on a whole new meaning for me. It used to be that I could hardly “wait” for the day to come. Now I can barely get through them. No longer do they represent happiness and relief from working. Fridays are sadness, loneliness, and terrible memories that surface. Every Friday I relive that horrible night. Friday is the day all the trouble began.
Saturdays, too, are classified the same as Friday. Saturday was the official day of his death.
And for some reason yesterday (Friday) just felt so much more heavier than usual on top of the forlornness that I normally feel. There were “signs” everywhere that I could not “read.”
- During my prep I made a personal call, and while on hold, I grabbed the nearest magazine (Lady’s Home Journal) to pass the time. The first article I encountered was called “To Happy Endings.” The author wrote about the many problems she had faced in 2008. No matter how many times life surprises you, you never get used to the shock. A year ago I couldn’t have pictured all that has come to pass in my world in 2008: my mother’s death, the end of my second marriage and a raft of other heartaches big and small… Midway through the article it mentioned that she had been widowed in her early thirties! I about fell off of the stool I was perched on!
- After reading her story, the article I turned to next had my husband’s name in large letters! Turns out that one of the adult dogs who played Marley in the movie Marley & Me has the same name as my husband!
- The last feature I read in the magazine was an interview with a mom. The final question asked what she wished her family had money for. She said she wanted money to restore their emergency fund as it had been depleted. She also desired money so that her family could visit her in-laws in (take a wild guess) Morocco!
- During my sixth period some of the students were talking while working on their assignment. A female student was casually sharing the fact that she spent 11 1/2 months in residental treatment. This of course caught my attention because this is the exact amount of time that Evan spent in treatement as well!
- One of my student’s brother, who attends our middle school has been acting out because their father died recently. Her brother’s name is Ethan (also in middle school)!
- I received a call from Eliza’s sister’s cell phone. I did not answer the call and no message was left.
- On Wednesday I kept my friend’s two sons while she went out on a date. They are the same ages as my stepsons. It felt really eerie having them there. Later in the evening she sent a text asking What are my boys doing? This is the way Eliza always referred to Ethan and Evan, Although this did not happen on Friday, it still triggered many memories.
I was haunted all day and night long. Even while I was “stealing time.” I felt overwhelmed and crushed by the memories and what-if’s. Later in the day I was exhausted and took a sleeping pill to stop my wandering mind. But I do wonder if it was all a coincidence or some kind of sign?
Dsyfunctional Families March 10, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Reflections.Tags: personalities, stepsons, dsyfunctional families, surviving
3 comments
I came across this article about dsyfunctional families and learned about the various roles within. It was easy for me to determine which role accurately described each one of my stepsons; and eerie how accurate the descriptions are! Evan is the “scapegoat” and Ethan is the “adjuster.”
“Acting out child” – “Scapegoat”
This is the child that the family feels ashamed of – and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how – which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers. These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.
“Adjuster” – “Lost Child”
This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and “don’t bother getting upset.” These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are ‘lost children’ who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.
Letter to Eliza January 21, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Let it Go.Tags: Stepmom, stepsons, release, writing as therapy, letter to my stepsons' mother, letting it go
8 comments
*For therapeutic purposes only.
Eliza,
I must say that you never cease to amaze me; but not in an awe-inspiring way. You are a person without a soul. You only care for yourself with little regard for the people you maim along the way—including your little ones. I gave you more credit than you deserved. I really wanted you to be a decent person underneath your facade of craziness. I know you had a rough life, but you need to get over it; so has half of America. And it does not give you permission to treat others so callously. Neither does it permit you to make bad choices and punish others as a result of your foolishness and mayhem.
You know, I used to think you loved your boys. Now I’m not so sure. I believe you love the idea of possessing them more. They have been your golden tickets for so long that it must really anger you that you can no longer dangle them in my husband’s face. I have to wonder if they still hold value for you? You simply refused to share them with him. You have taken something away from them that can never be replaced. They will never be able to make up for the time they missed with their father in this lifetime. Having two loving parents is a right and not a privilege. You sacrificed your beloved boys to spite us. I really pity you. For how will you answer those hard questions that I am sure will be directed your way once the boys see you for what you are? You can’t.
You did not want us to uproot the seeds of deceit you so carefully and laboriously planted. But it was our actions that spoke volumes because nothing we ever could have said would have made them think differently. And in your mind the fact that the boys love me is the worst crime of all. This is the only reason that you could possibly harbor such unwarranted resentment. Eliza, did you think because you had them removed from my home that you could remove me from their hearts and minds?
Life for you must be a miserable existence. Eliza, you are not happy and therefore you want everyone else to suffer in your wake. You don’t know love, serenity, joy, acceptance, or forgiveness. Your cup runneth over with hatefulness. I know you must be tired because being negative requires a lot of energy. I tried to provide refreshment for your soul. I offered you sisterhood, agape love, grace, patience, and kindness. But because you know nothing of these things, it merely served to heighten your suspicion and animosity. You thought about what you would have done had the shoe been on the other foot and let your paranoia get the best of you. Guess what Eliza? I am not like you nor will I ever be.
You want me to hate you so that you may justify your behavior toward me. Believe it or not, I pray that God heal your heart because hurting people hurt people. If I had been imprisoned I know you would have delighted in my misfortune. Your highs come from the lows of others, while my high comes from uplifting the low. It doesn’t matter that I am now suffering because it wasn’t inflicted by you nor was it by my design. It seems that you won’t rest until I am broken.
But please know that you cannot break me. Your words have no sting because they contain no truth. Eliza you are a sad, lost puppy running around chasing its tail to garner attention. You are a drooping flower lacking light and nourishment. I will never belittle myself by sparring with your undeveloped mind. It is equivalent to trying to reason with an infant. And actually I don’t have any desire to do so. I do not want your poisonous essence to envelope me. I truly hope I never have to encounter you again. You make me very sad. All along you have inaccurately labeled me as your worst enemy when in reality, your worst enemy happens to be you.
Will You Be My Stepwife? December 30, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Learning Experiences.Tags: Stepmom, acceptance, blended families, stepsons, biomom, divorce, stepwife, working together, Jesus, Robert Deniro
10 comments
Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?
I’m pretty sure that most of you have seen the movie “Meet the Parents” starring Robert Deniro. Of course it takes him the majority of the movie to accept that his daughter loves Gaylord Focker.
Such is usually the case with step and biomoms. Sometimes it takes moms a while to acknowledge the fact that stepmoms actually love their children and mean them no harm.
And that ’s okay. Give the moms space to accept reality in their own timing.
Stepmoms, for what it’s worth, you should make every effort to interact civilly with your stepchild(ren)’s mother. If possible as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that some people are utterly unreasonable, don’t want to get along, and are mentally unstable to boot. But that has nothing to do with you and who you are! You are a stepmom with values and principles and a good heart. Use every opportunity you can to be the bigger person. In the end, the small things just don’t matter. If it is not a life or death situation you will be better off letting it go. Working together works–trite but true.
Take it from one who knows, it feels so good to do the right thing even when you feel that the other person doesn’t deserve it. I struggled a lot with this thought when it came to dealing with Eliza. I was most successful when I remembered that we didn’t deserve to have Jesus die for us, yet he did without hesitation. Therefore take what a person “deserves” out of the equation.
I had “proposed” to Eliza in the early stages of our burgeoning correspondence. I even shared articles with her from the CoMama’s so she wouldn’t think I was crazy for even dreaming of such a partnership. I wanted to let her know that I was not trying to take her place. I also wanted her to know that I wished to work with her for the sake of our boys. I can’t say that she accepted because I feel that if she had, the boys would be with me now.
Even though I was rejected, I have no regrets for wanting what I felt was best for the boys. It’s a small consolation in the face of all that has happened, yet it’s one less burden that I currently have to bear.
I Bet She’s Happy December 19, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Paint it Black, Why Me?.Tags: Stepmom, hate, hurt, death, sadness, stepsons, custody, sorrow, betrayal
18 comments
Call me crazy, but I thought that Eliza would want the boys to stay with me for many reasons, namely because:
- They were in a stable environment
- They have been through a lot
- It is their home
- She knew that I would continue escorting them to visit her
- I love them and have their best interests at heart
- I have treated her kindly and with respect
- I encouraged the kids to continue their relationship with her
So when they were taken from me, needless to say, I was very hurt and devastated. I felt betrayed in a sense. Every letter that she wrote in praise/support/encouragement of me must have been false. She was only hugging me to find the best spot to stab me in the back.
She didn’t even have the courtesy to send her sympathies.
Why would she want them with her unstable siblings? She and her sister do not have a good relationship and are quite jealous of one another. In fact, at one visit she confided in me that she actually hates her sister. Not to mention, her sister barely cares for her own two children. I don’t see how she would be able to take them to visit Eliza on a regular basis considering that she lives many states away.
And her brother–forget about it! The kids would be better off being raised by a pack of wolves than him. That would be like appointing my brother, Jazmine’s father, to raise Nicholas if something happened to me! This is too scary to even imagine. Though my brother is my kin, I know emphatically that he would not be the best candidate to raise my son. I’d much rather him be with a nonrelative than a relative with a lack of morals, human decency, and common sense.
Here’s why I think she would want her family to have them:
- She feels that they owe her as both were indirectly involved in her crime
- They are “family”
- I’m not “family” and she could care less about Nicholas
- Her sister will probably accept her collect calls
- She doesn’t have to deal with me i.e. via mail or in person, in other words, she won’t have to pretend to like me
- She is still nursing a grudge
- She never wanted them to have a relationship with me in the first place and does not want them to love me
- She doesn’t like to share
- She wants her family to keep any “benefits” (social security) in the family
- She is willing to sacrifice their wellbeing/happiness in order to punish me
- She doesn’t care about my feelings
- It’s hard to villify the person caring for your kids
- I am a reminder that her first marriage did not work
- She detested my husband
- She detests me
It seems that things have worked in her favor. Eliza would have to know that my heart is broken into a million little pieces which I’m sure the very thought fills her with joy. She does not have to fight for custody of the boys after she is released. Nor does she have to pay the court-ordered child support that has been accumulating since her incarceration. Finally she will have the kids all to herself!
I know I have to let it go because it is out of my control–something easier said than done. I’m really having a hard time with everything. However, I had the feeling last night that I should pray for them, Eliza and her siblings. You are supposed to pray for the people who persecute you.
And I will continue to pray that God will protect Ethan and Evan from any harm.
Crystal Ball December 18, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Why Me?.Tags: Stepmom, stepsons, questions, wellbeing
10 comments
I wish I had a crystal ball so that I could watch the boys. I wonder how they are doing? I wonder what they are doing? Do they like their new school? Have they made any friends? Are they in therapy? Do they like living with whoever it is they are with? Do they ask about us? I wonder if they miss us?
Note: I think I might have “talked them up” because guess who called today at 9:56am? Eliza’s sister. I didn’t answer because I was working, but when I checked my phone I saw the missed call. She did not leave a voicemail, which leads me to believe that she is not calling to exchange pleasantries.
Left Behind December 11, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Dark Side of the Moon, Paint it Black, Things Fall Apart, Whoa, Why Me?.Tags: Stepmom, death, mourning, sadness, stepsons, grief, cruelty, aftermath, shock, sorrow, pain, suffering, separation, depression, misery, emptiness
20 comments
I feel like we have been abandoned, me, Nicholas, and Jazmine that is.
The very same day of my husband’s death from a heart attack, Eliza’s brother came knocking. I saw him approaching the walkway and became anxious. His arrival portended evil. He was his usual pompus, surly self. Luckily my aunt and cousin were home with us so I didn’t have to face him alone.
When my aunt answered the door he demanded to speak with me. She informed him that I was not feeling up to seeing any visitors so he asked to speak to my husband. She told him that my husband was not available. He then asked if he had passed–not your logical follow-up question. My aunt acknowledged that he did in which he replied, “When he die, a month ago? Did he committ suicide?”
I was stung by his indecency and began screaming and crying for him to leave. He yelled that Ethan was his blood and that he carried his last name (he doesn’t). My cousin ushered him away from the door. I grabbed the phone and called the police. I wanted him away from our house ASAP.
When the police arrived he stood outside attempting to manipulate them into believing that he was only there to console his nephew. He claimed he had no idea that my husband had died. Two big, burly guys joined his side. The police didn’t buy his story especially after eyeing his bouncers and wrote up a trespassing report. They also put extra patrol in our neighborhood. The rest of the night him and his sister called without ceasing. She left many ridiculous messages stating that she only wanted her nephew because I was not “family.” Wow and ouch was all I could think. Just a stepmom…
I also received calls from Eliza’s aunt and cousin, who both said that they felt the boys rightfully belonged with me as did the rest of their family. I asked why the aunt and uncle were behaving like vultures. Her cousin replied that they probably wanted the money that the boys would draw from his death. This thought never occurred to me. The aunt also felt that they were probably carrying out Eliza’s wishes–another troubling thought. How could Eliza not know how well I cared for the boys?
Monday morning I called the court and informed them of our situation. The clerk expressed her sympathy and told me that she would do all she could to help keep the kids with me. She felt that the judge would not want to move them anyhow. The clerk also told me to quickly file a document with my intentions. I had an appointment with the funeral home so I figured I had time to go on Tuesday. How wrong was I!
Later that evening I got a call from the residential facility saying that Evan’s aunt and uncle were on their way to discharge him from the hospital. According to the director, they had valid court papers. They had went to a probate court judge and was issued an emergency order. I was dumbfounded, especially considering that our particular case was only to be heard by one judge because he was so familiar with it. When I broke the news to Evan on Sunday, he was so broken that it was obvious that he was in no condition to leave at such a crucial time. Evan had asked me to take him home immediatedly, but I was able to convince him to wait until they adjusted his medicine. I promised that I would pick him up in two weeks.
I called their uncle and pleaded with him not to take him out because he was not at all stable. He finally relented. A few hours later he called so that Evan could speak to Ethan. He lied and had discharged him despite my pleadings! He then demanded that I hand over his other nephew at almost 12am. Again, I begged him to wait for a decent hour. He hung up on me. A few hours later I heard a lot of banging on the door and saw bright lights shining into the house. I became very afraid and called the police. The operator checked to see if it was the police and determined that it was.
When I opened the door I recognized one of the officers who had been to our house frequently for runs regarding Eliza. He greeted me and showed me the paperwork. He seemed bothered that he had to do this particular task. I had Ethan come out of his bedroom and he looked very scared. They walked him down to his new guardians.
I considered fighting them in court, but decided against it. The probate judge who issued the order died two days after signing the paperwork. I have been threatened so much that my family and I determined that for our safety I should not. Their uncle told my SIL that bad things would happen to me if I tried to fight for the kids. And I know that my husband would not want me living under such fear and pressure.
It was and still is a difficult decision that I have yet to come to terms with. I really wanted them here with us.
Two days after the funeral their uncle had the nerve to call and offer his condolences because he said he “liked me!” Once again I became undone as I heatedly inquired why the boys were not allowed to attend their father’s service. He offered a few lame excuses and I hung up midway through his glib speech.
I have not heard from the boys or Eliza. I suspect that they may be in another state with their aunt.
It’s been a long, hard, mournful month. Jazmine constantly asks about my husband. Nicholas has kept pretty quiet. I don’t think any of us understand, but I do know that we sorely and surely miss all three.
From All Angles May 4, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Reflections.Tags: Stepmom, prison, Mother's Day, death, loss, mourning, sadness, stepsons, holidays, grief
2 comments
Mother’s Day will be different for me this year. It will be my first Mother’s Day as a motherless daughter. As of February 8, 2008, I have no mother to acknowledge and celebrate. Hallmark will not let me forget this fact either. I automatically dodge the card aisle upon entering any store. A short while ago I remember seeing the displays much to my surprise. I had forgotten that May was the month reserved for mothers. And it’s not that I place much stock in this commercialized, contrived holiday, because for me, every day was mother’s day. I always looked at this day as a brilliant marketing strategy on behalf of greeting card companies and floral shops worldwide. But nevertheless, it was nice to actually have a mother on this day.
Losing a mother makes one introspective and sensitive. So much in fact that it has propelled me to examine this day from all angles—from Eliza’s to Ethan and Evan’s.
A simple expression of Happy Mother’s Day from Ethan and Evan has always sufficed for me because while I am not their mother, I a mother. I never expected anything more than this, not even a card. But this was even hard for them to do. Last year on our first Mother’s Day together, my husband inquired if they had told me, and they admitted that they had not. They “forgot.” My feelings were hurt slightly but I quickly recovered. As always, our son Nicholas was there to celebrate me with his beautifully handcrafted AND store bought cards, poems, and frequent reminders throughout the day of what a great mom I was. One day while at Wal-Greens’s he had even selected the aforementioned card without my assistance and casually asked me to pay for it!
But this year…I think I understand how they were feeling. It too was their first Mother’s Day without Eliza. They probably just wanted to spend this day in the company of their own mom expressing the sentiment to her; just as I would like to do with my own. No ommy, substitute mommy, guest mom, or second mom will do. I want my mommy. As children I can only imagine how they feel; and Eliza, too.
So this year on Mother’s Day, I will be working on a scrapbook in memory of my mother. We have already started making some things for Eliza. While Ethan, Evan, or I can’t be with our moms in the physical sense, we can at least be with them in spirit. Happy Mother’s Day to all!