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Deja Vu December 4, 2009

Posted by Morocco in Compassion.
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Tuesday morning, right in front of my classroom, a student went into cardiac arrest.  My room is in a pretty isolated part of the building.  Luckily I was in the hall when he fell.  I ran to get the nurse.  The nurse and school police officer performed CPR on him until the paramedics arrived.  I am trained in CPR and was next in line if either of them tired.

It was a very intense, scary scene for well over 30 minutes.  He had to be shocked twice as well as receive other life-saving procedures.  It was deja vu in a sense.  I could not stop crying as I watched the paramedics work so hard to save his 19-year-old life.  The school police officer was also equally shook up having lost his own 17-year-old son a few months prior.

He was finally rescuitated and transported to the hospital.  Wednesday he had open heart surgery to repair faulty valves.  If necessary, they may install a pacemaker.

I wondered why I had to bear witness to this trauma.  It brought back so many painful memories.  This was also the day I ran into my SIL’s husband.  And of course, before I went to sleep that night, I saw a commerical on television and the man’s name was the same as my husband’s.

Yesterday on the way home for school Nicholas was telling me that their principal asked them to pray for one of the 8th grader’s brother who had a heart attack at school.  I didn’t go into details but I told him that I was aware of what happened because it happened right in front of me.  He seemed very surprised–and actually I was, too. What a small world we live in.

Neither one of us mentioned my husband, but I’m sure he was thinking about him as I was.

But it also made me appreciate first responders even more.  They are so efficient, composed, and determined to save lives.  I saw this firsthand with my husband as well as with the young man.  I really have a lot of respect and admiration for what they do.  They are as important, if not more so, than doctors.

Our principal announced that this story will be covered by the news.  However, I don’t want to be in the limelight and will make sure I am unavailable when they do come. 

Some say that there is a message in everything, but I have no idea of what it could be in this case.

Just Once… May 7, 2009

Posted by Rhonda in Reflections.
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8 comments

This is going to be hard, I have never written about my situation before now.  At any rate I think I have finally come to terms with this, so here goes…

Since I have been married, Mother’s Day has always been a sad day for me.  The reason being, I was not a mother.  Husband and I tried to conceive to no avail.  I was tested and tested again and again.  Husband and I went through proceedure after proceedure.   I had three surgeries and in 2007 I had the last one.  The one that sealed my fate.  No biological children for me. 

I met with my doctor numerous times to discuss other options.  For me there were no other options.  I was  exhausted by the poking, prodding, and not to mention the unbearable pain.  Husband was very supportive.  I thought I was fine.  Deep down I wasn’t.  Little did I know I went through a great depression.  At the time my mother-in-law was dying of cancer.  It was all too much on me. 

My marriage suffered a little because I felt like Husband didn’t understand what I was going through.  He had a child, a biological child.  He couldn’t possibly understand how I felt.  We tried our best to deal with everything going on.  I just wanted it all to go away.  At the time it was too great a loss, my unborn children and the death of my mother-in-law.

 Mother’s Day in 2008 was the worst ever.  I tried to put on a happy face but deep inside I was screaming for the emotional pain to stop.

My mother sent me wonderful cards telling me that I am a mother figure to the children I work with at school.  I am a mother to Kierra.  I am a mother to all of my Godchildren.  My mother-in-law gave me the greatest gift of all…Ian and Imani.  Even Husband praised me to the high heavens how grateful he was to have me as Kierra’s stepmother and now the mother of our inherited children. 

Even with all the praise it was hard for me to accept.  I felt like I was not a mother.  I had not given birth to any of these children.  Of course I love each and everyone of them but still I felt an emptiness.

Mother’s Day is just around the corner I was starting to feel this same emptiness.  Why was I feeling this way?  Ian and Imani have been a huge blessing in my life.  They are with Husband and I fulltime. I do not have to go back and forth with another parent as to what is best for their child.  So where are these feelings coming from?  I don’t know…

Yesterday, while reading Tiff, Taff, and Lulu to Ian and Imani I felt at peace.  I finally felt that empty feeling slipping away.  We were sitting on the couch together.  Ian had his head on my shoulder.  Out of no where he says, “Mommy guess what?  I made you something for Mother’s Day at school.”  I heard Husband yell from the other room that it was supposed to be a surprise.  Ian said, “I’m excited and can’t wait until Sunday.”  Wow….I needed that!

Not to long after that Husband yelled from our bedroom, “Guess what?  Kierra is coming over this weekend.”  I of course shook my head and asked if she remembered that this was Mother’s Day weekend.  He told me that she knew and Kierra asked Christine if she could come over and she said yes. 

Honestly, I don’t believe that will happen.  In previous years Kierra has had to sneak to call me on Mother’s Day.  As Kierra got older she has asked if she could stop by for a minute to see me.  Christine would say she would bring Kierra over but found every excuse not to.  Kierra would call and say that they were on their way several times throughout the day, only for Christine to go visit someone else.  Then it would get late and instead of dropping by Christine would go home.  My feelings would get hurt and so would Kierra’s.

Right now I feel a little flustered.  For once I just want a peaceful Mother’s Day.  I do not want to think about babies that I am not able to have.  I do not want to think about Christine and if she is going to let Kierra come over or not.  I do not want to think of her at all.  She dangles Kierra in my face and then snatches her away everytime.  I do not want to think of any of those things. 

I just want to enjoy a quiet day with  Husband and the children, all three of them if possible.  No drama, no worries, just once….

TGIF–Not! March 21, 2009

Posted by Morocco in Dark Side of the Moon.
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Fridays have taken on a whole new meaning for me. It used to be that I could hardly “wait”  for the day to come.  Now I can barely get through them.  No longer do they represent happiness and relief from working. Fridays are sadness, loneliness, and  terrible memories that surface.  Every Friday I relive that horrible night.  Friday is the day all the trouble began.

Saturdays, too, are classified the same as Friday.  Saturday was the official day of his death.

And for some reason yesterday (Friday) just felt so much more heavier than usual on top of the  forlornness that I normally feel.  There were “signs” everywhere that I could not “read.”

  • During my prep I made a personal call, and while on hold, I grabbed the nearest magazine (Lady’s Home Journal) to pass the time.  The first article I encountered was called “To Happy Endings.”  The author wrote about the many problems she had faced in 2008.  No matter how many times life surprises you, you never get used to the shock. A year ago I couldn’t have pictured all that has come to pass in my world in 2008: my mother’s death, the end of my second marriage and a raft of other heartaches big and small… Midway through the article it mentioned that she had been widowed in her early thirties!  I about fell off of the stool I was perched on!
  • After reading her story, the article I turned to next had my husband’s name in large letters!  Turns out that one of the adult dogs who played Marley in the movie Marley & Me has the same name as my husband!
  • The last feature I read in the magazine was an interview with a mom.  The final question asked what she wished her family had money for.  She said she wanted money to restore their emergency fund as it had been depleted.  She also desired money so that her family could visit her in-laws in (take a wild guess) Morocco!
  • During my sixth period some of the students were talking while working on their assignment.  A female student was casually sharing the fact that she spent 11 1/2 months in residental treatment.  This of course caught my attention because this is the exact amount of time that Evan spent in treatement as well!
  • One of my student’s brother, who attends our middle school has been acting out because their father died recently.  Her brother’s name is Ethan (also in middle school)!
  • I received a call from Eliza’s sister’s cell phone.  I did not answer the call and no message was left.
  • On Wednesday I kept my friend’s two sons while she went out on a date.  They are the same ages as my stepsons.  It felt really eerie having them there.  Later in the evening she sent a text asking What are my boys doing?  This is the way Eliza always referred to Ethan and Evan,  Although this did not happen on Friday, it still triggered many memories.

I was haunted all day and night long.  Even while I was “stealing time.”  I felt overwhelmed and crushed by the memories and what-if’s.  Later in the day I was exhausted and took a sleeping pill to stop my wandering mind.  But I do wonder if it was all a coincidence or some kind of sign?

Men and Grief February 3, 2009

Posted by Morocco in Reflections.
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My first encounter with men and grief was at my grandmother’s funeral.  My uncle, an imposing figure sheathed in dark sunglasses sat solemnly.  I could hardly contain myself and screamed like a banshee periodically throughout the service.  That was until my uncle slowly turned to me and said No more outbursts in a slightly menancing tone.  I knew he had had his own private spell the night before as I overhead his wife telling my mother and her sisters all about it.  I cried silently for the remainder of the service. 

Over the years I’ve observed the males in my family and the way they handle grief.  Some avoid funerals.  My cousin did not attend my mother’s and when I inquired why, he shrugged and said I can’t do it–too many in this family.  Other cousins missed funerals I guess for the same reason. 

At the hospital when I talked to my siblings about the severity of our mother’s illness, my brother (Jazmine’s father) immediatedly asked that someone take him to the store.  By the time they returned to the hospital, my mother had died.  His responded to the news by walking the halls taking long swigs from a fifth of gin.

The night my husband died three of his very closest childhood friends met me at the hospital.  I knew there would be tears but I was surprised by the depth of emotions emanating from them.  All I could hear were loud, heaving sobs coming from the trio.  One of my coworkers who attended the funeral said that she was astounded at how many of my husband’s friends were openly crying.  That’s what broke me down; seeing all those young guys crying like that she said to me days later.  I’ve never seen anything like it.

So why is it uncomforatble for his friends and male family members to hear me grieve?  They call and check on me and stop by on occassion.  But I can tell they can’t handle the tears.  They don’t know what to say to me.  Last night his friend Corey called but I didn’t bother to answer the phone.  I don’t want to pretend that I am okay to spare anybody’s feelings.  Why they would even think I am okay puzzles me.  I want to scream to them all–NO, I AM NOT OKAY–SO STOP ASKING!  IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME NOT BEING OKAY, THEN DON”T CALL TO SEE IF I AM OKAY!  But I know that they mean well and I appreciate that they are even checking on me at all…

My SIL texted me last night to see how we’ve been getting along.  She said she was doing okay.  I replied that I was glad she was because I wasn’t and I let her know how I was REALLY doing.  She seemed relieved and responded that she wasn’t doing well either, but she didn’t want to upset me.  I feel more comfortable sharing my true feelings with the women that I am close with because they can handle it.

I know males are reared in a society in which they are often told that men don’t cry.  This has always been silly to me because most beings with tear ducts cry.  Crying is cleansing.  It is a way to purge the soul of toxins such as sadness. 

While I try not to cry too much in front of my son, I do let him know that it is okay to cry and that some things are worth crying for.

Shoveling Tears January 29, 2009

Posted by Morocco in Compassion.
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“…You will surely wear yourself out.  For this thing is too much for you; you are not able to perform it by yourself.” Exodus 18:18

The unpleasant part of snow is the act of shoveling it.  And with the twelve inches we received, there was a lot to clear.   I didn’t realize just how much until I was knee deep in it with my lone shovel.  My neighbors on both sides were out working as well.  One even had a snow plow but only cleared his driveway and the space in front of their house.

Looking at the couples working together made me so blue that I started crying.  It was another reminder for me that my husband was dead.  I turned up my Ipod and my resolve and tried to focus on finishing the daunting task of clearing our lengthy driveway.  My back and legs were starting to ache from heaving the heavy snow.

I had a ways to go when my neighbor from across the cul de sac came over, shovel in hand, and starting helping.  Much of the time we worked alongside one another in silence as day turned to dusk.  He encouraged me to go on in, but  I couldn’t leave him to do my job alone.   He had already worked a full day, shoveled his own drive, and then came to help with ours–three times the size of his. I felt:

  • Gratitude for his kindness
  • Sadness that my husband couldn’t shovel with me
  • Blessed that God put it on his heart to do so
  • Embarrassment for being a damsel in distress

I also wondered how I could pay him back?  I hate the feeling of “owing” someone.  Thank you just seems so…well, not enough.  But then I thought about a few  of the neighborly exchanges we’ve had over the years.  During the fall we would always send one of the boys over to help him in the yard.  I had also given his toddlers sons a barely used expensive train table.  And when his teenage son often lost his key, we always welcomed him to sit at our house until someone came home.

So maybe he was just paying it forward. 

I know I need to learn how to accept help and be okay with it.  Could this be why God keeps putting me in predicaments where I need assistance from others in order for me to get over myself?

Still, I think I’ll make cookies for him and his family to show my appreciation…

The Widow Maker January 8, 2009

Posted by Morocco in Dark Side of the Moon.
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Today I took my kids on a field trip to see Bodies…the Exhibition.  They really enjoyed it and were quite intrigued by the wonderous complexity of the human body. My students (of course) were eager to see the sex organs!   

I, on the otherhand, was very interested in viewing the heart gallery.  But looking at the display of  arteries strongly reminded me of my husband, so much in fact that I could not bear to look at the one aptly called the widow maker.  I hate that terminology! 

Today, it has been two months.

One of Those Days January 5, 2009

Posted by Morocco in Dark Side of the Moon.
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I Bet She’s Happy December 19, 2008

Posted by Morocco in Paint it Black, Why Me?.
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Call me crazy, but I thought that Eliza would want the boys to stay with me for many reasons, namely because:

  1. They were in a stable environment
  2. They have been through a lot
  3. It is their home
  4. She knew that  I would continue escorting them to visit her
  5. I love them and have their best interests at heart
  6. I have treated her kindly and with respect
  7. I encouraged the kids to continue their relationship with her

So when they were taken from me, needless to say, I was very hurt and devastated.  I felt betrayed in a sense.  Every letter that she wrote in praise/support/encouragement of me must have been false.  She was only hugging me to find the best spot to stab me in the back.

She didn’t even have the courtesy to send her sympathies.

Why would she want them with her unstable siblings?  She and her sister do not have a good relationship and are quite jealous of one another.  In fact, at one visit she confided in me that she actually hates her sister.  Not to mention, her sister barely cares for her own two children.  I don’t see how she would be able to take them to visit Eliza on a regular basis considering that she lives many states away.

And her brother–forget about it!  The kids would be better off being raised by a pack of wolves than him.  That would be like appointing my brother, Jazmine’s father, to raise Nicholas if something happened to me!  This is too scary to even imagine.  Though my brother is my kin, I know emphatically that he would not be the best candidate to raise my son.  I’d much rather him be with a nonrelative than a relative with a lack of morals, human decency, and common sense.

Here’s why I think she would want her family to have them:

  1. She feels that they owe her as both were indirectly involved in her crime
  2. They are “family”
  3. I’m not “family” and she could care less about Nicholas
  4. Her sister will probably accept her collect calls
  5. She doesn’t have to deal with me i.e. via mail or in person, in other words, she won’t have to pretend to like me
  6. She is still nursing a grudge
  7. She never wanted them to have a relationship with me in the first place and does not want them to love me
  8. She doesn’t like to share
  9. She wants her family to keep any “benefits” (social security) in the family
  10. She is willing to sacrifice their wellbeing/happiness in order to punish me
  11. She doesn’t care about my feelings
  12. It’s hard to villify the person caring for your kids
  13. I am a reminder that her first marriage did not work
  14. She detested my husband
  15. She detests me

It seems that things have worked in her favor.  Eliza would have to know that my heart is broken into a million little pieces which I’m sure the very thought fills her with joy.  She does not have to fight for custody of the boys after she is released.  Nor does she have to pay the court-ordered child support that has been accumulating since her incarceration.  Finally she will have the kids all to herself!

I know I have to let it go because it is out of my control–something easier said than done.  I’m really having a hard time with everything.  However, I had the feeling last night that I should pray for them, Eliza and her siblings. You are supposed to pray for the people who persecute you. 

And I will continue to pray that God will protect Ethan and Evan from any harm.

Left Behind December 11, 2008

Posted by Morocco in Dark Side of the Moon, Paint it Black, Things Fall Apart, Whoa, Why Me?.
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I feel like we have been abandoned, me, Nicholas, and Jazmine that is. 

The very same day of my husband’s death from a heart attack, Eliza’s brother came knocking.  I saw him approaching the walkway and became anxious.  His arrival portended evil.   He was his usual pompus, surly self.  Luckily my aunt and cousin were home with us so I didn’t have to face him alone. 

When my aunt answered the door he demanded to speak with me.  She informed him that I was not feeling up to seeing any visitors so he asked to speak to my husband.  She told him that my husband was not available.  He then asked if he had passed–not your logical follow-up question.  My aunt acknowledged that he did in which he replied, “When he die, a month ago? Did he committ suicide?” 

I was stung by his indecency and began screaming and crying for him to leave.   He yelled that Ethan was his blood and that he carried his last name (he doesn’t).  My cousin ushered him away from the door.  I grabbed the phone and called the police.  I wanted him away from our house ASAP.

When the police arrived he stood outside attempting to manipulate them into believing that he was only there to console his nephew.  He claimed he had no idea that my husband had died.  Two big, burly guys joined his side.  The police  didn’t buy his story especially after eyeing his bouncers and wrote up a trespassing report.  They also put extra patrol in our neighborhood.  The rest of the night him and his sister called without ceasing.  She left many ridiculous messages stating that she only wanted her nephew because I was not “family.”  Wow and ouch was all I could think.  Just a stepmom…

I also received calls from Eliza’s aunt and cousin, who both said that they felt the boys rightfully belonged with me as did the rest of their family.  I asked why the aunt and uncle were behaving like vultures.  Her cousin replied that they probably wanted the money that the boys would draw from his death.  This thought never occurred to me.  The aunt also felt that they were probably carrying out Eliza’s wishes–another troubling thought.  How could Eliza not know how well I cared for the boys?

Monday morning I called the court and informed them of our situation.  The clerk expressed her sympathy and told me that she would do all she could to help keep the kids with me.  She felt that the judge would not want to move them anyhow.  The clerk also told  me to quickly file a document with my intentions.  I had an appointment with the funeral home so I figured I had time to go on Tuesday.  How wrong was I!

Later that evening I got a call from the residential facility saying that  Evan’s aunt and uncle were on their way to discharge him from the hospital.  According to the director, they had valid court papers.  They had went to a probate court judge and was issued an emergency order.  I was dumbfounded, especially considering that our particular case was only to be heard by one judge because he was so familiar with it.  When I broke the news to Evan on Sunday, he was so broken that it was obvious that he was in no condition to leave at such a crucial time.  Evan had asked me to take him home immediatedly, but I was able to convince him to wait until they adjusted his medicine.  I promised that I would pick him up in two weeks.

I called their uncle and pleaded with him not to take him out because he was not at all stable.  He finally relented.  A few hours later he called so that Evan could speak to Ethan.  He lied and had discharged him despite my pleadings!  He then demanded that I hand over his other nephew at almost 12am.  Again, I begged him to wait for a decent hour.  He hung up on me.  A few hours later I heard a lot of banging on the door and saw bright lights  shining into the house.  I became very afraid and called the police.  The operator checked to see if it was the police and determined that it was.

When I opened the door I recognized one of the officers who had been to our house frequently for runs regarding Eliza.  He greeted me and showed me the paperwork.  He seemed bothered that he had to do this particular task.  I had Ethan come out of his bedroom and he looked very scared.  They walked  him down to his new guardians.

I considered fighting them in court, but decided against it.  The probate judge who issued the order died two days after signing the paperwork.  I have been threatened so much that my family and I determined that for our safety I should not.   Their uncle told my SIL that bad things would happen to me if I tried to fight for the kids.   And I know that my husband would not want me living under such fear and pressure. 

It was and still is a difficult decision that I have yet to come to terms with.  I really wanted them here with us.

Two days after the funeral their uncle had the nerve to call and offer his condolences because he said he “liked me!” Once again I became undone as I heatedly inquired why the boys were not allowed to attend their father’s service.  He offered a few lame excuses and I hung up midway through his glib speech.

I have not heard from the boys or  Eliza.  I suspect that they may be in another state with their aunt.   

It’s been a long, hard, mournful month.  Jazmine constantly asks about my husband.  Nicholas has kept pretty quiet.  I don’t think any of us understand, but I do know that we sorely and surely miss all three.

Think Pink October 21, 2008

Posted by Morocco in Dark Side of the Moon.
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This week I learned some disturbinng news about my cousin Cia.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer.  When my aunt called and told me, my heart shivered in terror.  I felt choked with denial, sadness, and horror all at the same time.  Why her?

Cia…my cousin has always been a great role model to me.  She took me under her wing as I was growing up.  When she was in college majoring in Engineering, she made sure to expose me to the campus.  She wanted me to have a taste of college life and made sure that I participated in all the programs her university offered for high school students.

It was her who told me about the birds and the bees.

She also began our family newsletter.  When my mother died Cia was the first to call express her love and concern. 

During the holidays she would often host gatherings.  She would cook mounds of delicious foods, including the best caramel and Hershey cakes that would melt in your mouth.

She was there for my open-house, my house-warming, babyshower, the surprise birthday party that I had for my mother, and other important milestones in my life…

Stepmom is also one of her titles.

I have yet to talk to her because I am too upset right now.  I am trying to be strong but I don’t know how.  Our family has been beaten down by tragic deaths.  I couldn’t possibly handle another one.  I keep thinking about her husband and two girls.

The slogan “Race for the Cure” has a whole new meaning for me now.  My mind is consumed with pink thoughts.  I have already converted my debit card over to one that donates to breast cancer research.  A coworker emailed me this link and I couldn’t believe the timeliness of it.  Anyone with a pair of breasts should visit this site daily.  Here is the email:

Please  tell ten friends to tell ten today! 

The  Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough
people to  click on their site daily to meet their quota of
donating at  least one free mammogram a day to an
underprivileged  woman. 
It  takes less than a minute to go to their site and clickon  ‘donating a mammogram’ — for free (pink window in the  middle).   This  does not cost you a thing. Their
corporate  sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate a  mammogram in exchange for  advertising.

Here’s  the web site!  http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2

Another supportive site can be found here.  I made a celebration for my cousin.  Please make one for anyone you know who has suffered from this disease.  A dollar will be donated to research for every one made.