Pass the Kids December 2, 2009
Posted by Morocco in This Too Shall Pass.Tags: changing custody, drama, kids, nomads, prison, SIL, stepsons
6 comments
Yesterday I ran into my SIL’s husband at the grocery store. I immediatedly asked about the kids and was told that they would be getting the boys in May. Apparently Eliza has been stirring up trouble from her prison cell with her own sister regarding how she is raising her kids. Fed up, the sister has decided that she’d rather not deal with Eliza, Ethan, or Evan.
This really bothered me. The kids would have been fine with me, yet they were senselessly uprooted out of spite. Doesn’t she see how this nomadic lifestyle will eventually have an adverse affect on her boys? Not to mention, my SIL is not the best candidate to rear a child. They live in a two bedroom apartment for starters and are barely getting by. Her husband has 5 kids outside of the 1 they have together, plus she has another daughter. My SIL is also half-baked, literally and figuratively speaking.
Her husband is not in favor of this and has decided that if she goes against his wishes, he will move out. With Evan’s behavioral problems, the number of kids they already have to provide for, and the fact that Eliza and her looney tune brother would never leave them in peace, I understand why he is saying no.
She Does Not Stop! April 6, 2009
Posted by Morocco in This Too Shall Pass.Tags: anger, children, contention, drama, duty, immaturity, letters, obligation, prison, ungratefulness, visitation, women inmates
10 comments
Yesterday I received a call from Jazmine’s great-grandmother who resides in East Orange, New Jersey. She was calling to see how we were doing as well as to share a portion of a letter that Jazmine’s mom (her granddaughter) had written last week. She wrote that Eliza has been bragging to her how faithfully I brought the boys to see her! Eliza also stated that I should do this for her considering that Jazmine is her daughter! Therefore Jazmine’s mom is bitter that I am not extending her this courtesy!
I had many concerns about this letter:
- I have guardianship of Jazmine and therefore any requests for visitation need to be addressed to me, not her grandmother.
- Why is she even listening/talking to to Eliza in the first place? Also, Eliza failed to tell her that the visits she received were court ordered and that it took her an entire year to get those granted!
- Jazmine’s mom seems to be developing an attitude of entitlement. I guess it is not enough that I am raising her daughter on my own. I think Eliza has manipulated her and helped cultivate this ”right.”
- I am offended that she would try to imply that I am doing something wrong by not driving 150 miles roundtrip and using my precious weekend time to do so. It doesn’t seem to bother her that my brother, her parents, siblings, or any of her friends have not visited her at all–or even offered to escort Jazmine. I have visited her twice with my niece; something I did not have to do! I also write her and send cards, pictures, detailed updates, and drawings from Jazmine. I am only one person and I can’t do it all! Actually, I refuse!
- She has not attempted to improve herself during her stay there. She has been in so much trouble that she has added 9 months to her sentence. Therefore I do not feel obligated to inconvenience myself to soothe her obviously fragile, immature ego. If she was so interested in parenting Jazmine, she would do what it takes to get out sooner!
- Again, why is Eliza determined to start more fires?!!! I think she may be missing the consistent visits that I provided her with. Now that my stepsons live in North Carolina, I doubt she gets to see them on a regular basis. Had the boys remained with me, I would have continued to follow the court order. Though she won’t acknowledge this and instead chooses to rub this information in Jazmine’s mom’s face to make her resent me for not doing the same for her. Once again, Eliza is talking from both sides of her mouth!
As a mother I do understand her desire to spend time with her daughter. However, my primary concern is that I take care of Jazmine to the best of my ability. I had nothing to do with Eliza or my niece’s mother landing in prison. I just have the tedious task of rearing children with ungrateful parents! All she seems concerned about is making her stay more bearable.
I knew it was only a matter of time before Eliza rubbed off on Jazmine’s mom!
4 1/2 More February 10, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Hope is the thing with feathers.Tags: faith, God, longer sentence, mom, niece, prison, silver lining
7 comments
On a hunch, I checked Jazmine’s mom release status and to my dismay, she had a new date: April 7, 2010!
Oddly enough I have been pretty calm about the matter. I have enough overwhelming my mind at the present time and I can’t worry about this. I am going to trust that God will see me through. I have to believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.
I Hope Not January 18, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Why Me?.Tags: letter, longer sentence, prison
2 comments
Today I have something on my mind. I received a letter from Jazmine’s mom yesterday in which she wrote, Well I let my mouth get me in trouble and lost more time and my new out date is 12-21-09 but hopefully I’ll be home sooner long as I stay focused and don’t let my pride get in the way cause these officers try to belittle you and make you feel like shit.
Now I automatically wondered if it had anything to do with Eliza (despite the fact that she mentioned issues with the officers). Ironically, her new out date falls on Eliza’s birthday. Plus, I thought about the letter that Jazmine’s mom wrote last week. I checked the offender information to verify Eliza’s release date and saw that she had a new one. She had two and a half months added to her sentence! Jazmine’s mom had four months added.
It could be just a coincidence, but I don’t think so. I would feel bad especially if she got into trouble for my sake! I warned her not to allow Eliza to get under her skin. There is not much I can do about the situation. I can’t control her nor do I have any influence on Eliza. I wonder why they had to land in the same facility! I can only hope that God put those two together for the good of His purpose that is unbeknownst to me.
Makes Me Wanna Holler July 28, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Why Me?.Tags: anxiety, biomom, children, defensiveness, drama, letters, paranoia, prison, Stepmom, stress, worry
9 comments
For the life of me I can not understand why Eliza likes to be so contentious. You would think in her circumstances that she would focus all of her attentions on improving herself. You would think that she would be on a peace-seeking mission. Not!
I received her latest letter today in the mail. While it seemed civil on the surface; it was really loaded with duplicities. This time the wording was less accusatory and more cordial. She even included a brief paragraph about the culinary arts class she is taking. I’m sure it was a ploy to get the information she wanted. Really, she only wants to know what they are saying about her. However, Eliza must have realized by my last reply that firing word missiles would not work. Perhaps she has figured that she is likely to have more success catching flies with honey than vinegar.
But as usual, everytime she writes she asks the same exact questions that she has already asked in previous letters. And I have already provided her with answers. Not to mention, when I see her once a month, I give her an update on Evan as well. So really she has no need to write me other than for vexation purposes–this is something which she does so well. This time she wrote: Morocco, if you could send me a copy of a progress report or documentation stating the nature of the concerns posed pertaining to Evan’s condition I would greatly appreciate it. I would just like to be brought up to date with any regression or progress that he may be experiencing. Just to have a better understanding as to what is going on with Evan. Please kiss the boys for me and tell them I send all of my love.
This repetitious practice only supports my theory that she is extremely paranoid and anxious about her inability to control her children (and us) as she sees fit. It also signals a lack of trust in us. This is wearing me down to the bone. She is really starting to work my nerves. I almost feel as if she is trying to “catch” me in something, what I am not sure. My answers don’t change because you can’t really alter the truth.
In no way will she take responsibility for any of her children’s problems and I can’t force her to do so. When I share with her that Evan is having issues with things that went on in her household she gets extraordinarily defensive. She also feels that I am only telling her these things to be judgemental and to hurt her feelings. Though Eliza claims she wants to know everything that is going on with her boys, she really doesn’t because she can’t handle the truth. I too, have sent her clinical summaries from the previous therapist that Evan worked with. She was in denial then as well. She had the audacity to question the creditidentals of the highly qualified therapist. Eliza argues about everything written in the clinical notes as if she was a trained pyschologist. So you see, you can’t win for losing with her. But the things that happened under her roof can’t be erased. They do have to be addressed. Obviously she does not realize that she can make the choice to be bitter or better. Plus, I can only sugarcoat so much before it results in a stomach ache for the both of us! Such madness!
I find myself in the same position as I was in around mid-June. I am depending on God to give me the right words to say again. I know that He does not want me to spar with her. At the beginning of her letter, Eliza wrote Know that you are a part of my prayers daily. I truly hope she is being sincere because I do need strength for the journey.
Note: This is my reply:
El,
Hello, I hope all is well with you. The boys and I are doing fine. Not much has changed with Evan since I spoke to you regarding him at the last visit. Again, we are scheduled to have our first 24 hour pass with him on August 2nd.
He is still working to improve in the following areas:
- Poor impulse control and mood modulation, indicative of a mood disorder
- Resistance to accepting direction and limits from authority figures, inappropriate roles with adults
- PTSD symptomology related to witnessing violence/murder.
I will continue to keep you abreast of any new developments.
Food For Thought June 28, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Reflections.Tags: comfort, conversation, courtesy, food, friends, manners, prison, Romans 12:18-21, sharing, visits, women
1 comment so far
“Food, like a loving touch or a glimpse of divine power, has that ability to comfort.”
Norman Kolpas
“Food is the most primitive form of comfort.”
Sheilah Graham
Today I drove Ethan down to visit his mom. Intially I felt ackward because this is the first time that we have been to visit since receiving the letter full of accusations and paranoia that she sent to me. But I prayed while waiting for her to come out and as time edged on, the ackwardness sidled away.
She is usually late to arrive, but it took her a full hour to come out today. I was a tad annoyed because this adds time to the entire visiting process. We got in the visiting area at 9:30am and she came out at 10:35am. I have no clue as to what takes her so long. Most inmates come right out.
She was her usual pleasant self, making sure to include me in their conversations. She even waved to me through the window as they processed her. Wary, I only spoke when addressed in order to allow mother and child time together.
However, there was one thing different about this visit. I did not bring the usual $10 that I normally do so that we may get things from the vending machine. I rarely eat though because most of the things in the machines don’t appeal to my taste buds so early in the morning. It is a two-hour drive to get there so I know that Ethan is probably a little hungry by then. Out of courtesy I always offer Eliza something as well.
The first time that we visited her last November, she looked totally shocked when I asked her if she wanted a refreshment. She halfheartedly declined. Later in the visit I offered her again insisting that she at least get a drink. She happily obliged.
Since that first time she hasn’t refused a snack. I really don’t mind treating her but my husband has a different opinion. He feels that I already spend enough on gas (usually $60 roundtrip) and taking the kids to lunch afterwards. He has also stated that she probably doesn’t appreciate it and comes to expect it. He also feels that this gives her an attitude of superiority because she has me (a former enemy) buying things for her. He thinks, too, that Ethan should use some of his allowance to buy snacks for them.
I reminded him that she has never asked me to buy her anything because I am the one offering. Two, for me it would be quite humbling to accept something from a person I once viewed as the enemy. I am not getting the impression that she is being smug about it. Finally, I don’t really care if she does feel triumphant that I am spending a small amount of money on her. If she is indeed “using” me, the shame is on her and not me. It is not like I am spending a fortune on her. Besides, food helps break the ice time and again.
Plus, I bear witness to the healing power of food. Food comforts, strengthens, and uplifts us (just visualize “The Last Supper”). That’s why there are such terms as “comfort food” and “homestyle cooking.” It has probably turned some foes into friends–just the act of sharing alone. Food is MEANT to be shared with people. Food is also an important part of our lives. And don’t forget that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. How bitter/uneasy/depressed can you be for long when you and others are stuffing your faces with goodies? Food allows the good times to roll. Not to mention it feels odd not to be snacking when everyone around us is doing so. I feel good that I am able to offer something at all. Of course, my husband felt that I was being far too philosophical about the matter.
I can even understand why my husband would have a hard time breaking bread with Eliza. Sometimes I do get very angry with the kind of person she is. I even think of ways that I can hurt/best her in the fragile position that she is in. She seems to have no problem inflicting pain. Every chance she gets she uses it to slap us in the face and rain on our parade when we least expect or deserve it. But somehow I know that it is not safe to fight fire with fire. When she offends me, I can’t try to offend her in return. I am of sound mind. And if she suffers from the mental issues that I think she does, then she can’t help herself without treatment. I have no excuses.
While I do respect and empathize with my husband’s opinion, I am the one who will make the ultimate choice about how I conduct myself with her. If I have the money to spare, I will continue to graciously provide the funds for snacking. I understand that she will never likely return the favor which is fine by me. But that’s not why I do it.
The Bible is a feast of words and I must say that Romans 12:19-21 is quite a delicious sampling of the banquet we have coming: Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Amen.
Turn, Turn, Turn June 13, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Why Me?.Tags: denial, God, letters, mental illness, mothers, offense, paranoia, prison, sons
7 comments
Dealing with Eliza’s paranoia is down right exhausting. It just overwhelms me the way that she processes life. Case in point, yesterday I received a letter from her that clearly displays what I am talking about. She wrote under the guise of seeing how the boys were doing. However, her real intent was to throw ”verbal stones.” Here’s an excerpt of parts of her long rambling letter that troubled me:
I have written all of my boys every week for the past two years. After you stated that it was instructed for Evan not to be able to speak to me even after the court order. I can’t help but to wonder if my baby is receiving all or any of his mail. And it worries me. I don’t know what these people were told but I am not and never have been an unfit parent so there is no reason why such actions should have been made without properly notfying me…
I pray that you can see my position in this situation…
If for some reason Evan hasn’t been receiving his mail I could only imagine the effect that it has taken on him. Regardless of any past feelings toward me it is in the best interest of Evan to know and feel that he is loved by his mom and if his mail has been or is being held this I know is very hurtful to him–not to mention it’s just wrong. I pray this is not the case at all. But Morocco can you blame me for worrying? You know in your heart that I love my boys dearly and their good upbringing shows very clearly. Evan’s behavior disability should not be taken advantage of by any means. I pray me voicing my concerns have not offended you. I apologize in advance if the contents of this letter has in any way. However right now Morocco I really don’t know what to think. But I do know that there are things that need to be addressed. I can only pray that God continues His work with our situation. He has already begun and though we still may have ironing we can rest assure that God is still at work.
First of all, I have assured Eliza on several occassions that Evan has been receiving his mail. I’m puzzled as to why she thinks that he doesn’t considering that when he writes back, he often makes mention of something she said. We have nothing to gain by holding them from him.
Evan’s therapist did not feel that it was a good idea for her to get him more stirred up during his manic phase. Again, she has no way of speaking to him anyway because she is in prison–the facility does not accept collect calls and I don’t think any judge would force them to do so. She has not even been able to arrange a third party call to call our home to speak to Ethan so…??? I’m guessing that she just wants to have SOMETHING to complain about.
Unfit parent, hmm, I don’t think she is necessarily unfit (she did keep them clothed, fed, and sheltered), but I do think she is unbalanced and unhealthy. She has killed someone in front of them, been in MANY fights in front of them, had them removed from her custody for neglect, been in MANY volatile verbal confrontations in front of them, alienated and kept them from their father–do you catch my drift? Much of what has been told to the therapist came from Evan’s own mouth.
Notfying her? She is not the custodial parent so they don’t have to do so. It hurts when the shoe is on the other foot, which is why I do keep her informed. There are SO many things that she didn’t inform my husband of, but we don’t hold that against her because I know that an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.
Who is she praying to–the Devil? Her blasphemy scares me.
I have told her several times that the past is the past. Apparently it is not for her. I think she remembers how she kept Evan and Ethan away for years and is afraid that we are going to sneak and use that against her one day. I don’t know why she feels this way because we haven’t yet. I take them down for monthly visits faithfully, I send pictures, school work, and report cards, I encourage them to write her, I keep her informed about their development, and I make sure that they acknowledge her on all special occassions. What more can I do–seriously?
This is the second letter in which Eliza has mentioned how she has done such a good job with the boys. I think she wants me to agree with her. The problem with that opinion is that I don’t, so I can’t validate that for her. We have picked up where she has left off.
Yes, I can blame her for worrying. If she has handed her situation over to God as she has told me that she has many times, she shouldn’t worry. I sent her the Serenity Prayer months ago. The lack of control she has over this is killing her.
Behavior disability??? Try mental illness. It blows my mind that she wants to keep her child crippled. I can’t understand why she does not want him to get better. We are getting him the help he needs–not at all taking advantage of him. That was really hurtful to me. I almost think that she has something to hide.
She doesn’t care about offending me. She lives in her own world and plays by some set of imaginary rules that she created. And she finds a way to contort any information that I provide her with. I was momentarily offended and upset, but then I decided it was fruitless and made the choice not to be. Being offended and angry about her character is like getting mad at a bee for stinging. You can’t get mad–it’s what they do. They were born to sting.
The primary emotion I experienced after reading her letter was sadness. I just feel so sad because she is making herself miserable. I know she has a lot of time on her hands and is probably listening to the advice of many “prison lawyers,” but her paranoia is getting ridiculous. And it doesn’t have to be this way. We should use our problems as stepping stones to get us to a better place. I am here for her, but only if she will allow me to be. Though I refuse to allow her to enmesh me in her mess. I knew one day soon the tides would turn, and surely enough, they have. But I am not going to “turn” with her. Here is my response to her letter:
Eliza,
Hi, I am well, thank you for inquiring. The boys are doing fine, too. They are both participating in the “Summer Spectacular Reading Program” again this year.
Evan is doing awesome! God has been answering our prayers. He really loved the picture that you sent of your mom. He was so excited to receive it.
Take care,
Morocco
I am proud of myself for not letting her manipulate me into something I am not.
The Message May 8, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Regression.Tags: anger, court order, Mother's Day, phone calls, prison, Regression, stress, voicemail
6 comments
I am a bit upset with Eliza. Here’s why. She called tonight at 7:11pm to speak with Ethan via third party call (her 11-year-old son from another relationship made the call). The call was disconnected a few minutes later. I wasn’t even aware that she had called because I was very busy grading final exams. My husband was watching a movie, so Ethan answered the call. It was only when I took a bathroom break that I heard Ethan saying hello repeatedly, so I asked if something was wrong with the phone. He then told me how it just cut off in the middle of his conversation. Therefore I assumed that one of three things had to be responsible. One, the prison detected that she was on a third party call, which is a big no-no (how else is Correctional Billing going to make millions of dollars?), two, it had been raining a lot and often during heavy rain our phones act like this, or three, the battery needed charging. The culprit was a dead battery. Eliza left the following message on our home voicemail: This is Eliza and I’m calling to speak with Ethan. I was just talking to Ethan. I don’t know why our phone call was disconnected umm…I, I‘ve been trying to talk to him per court order. We also need to arrange a time, too for me to be able to speak with Evan as well. I know that the hours differ where he is, but I also need to speak with him as well. I don’t know what happened today umm… Morocco, please write me and let me know what is going on. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you and have a blessed day. When I turned on my cell phone this morning I checked to see if I had any messages. Eliza had left a version of this same message on my cell phone.
I was bothered by this message for several reasons. The first being that I felt she was implying that my husband or I ended the call. Even though it was especially bold of her to leave the message when she obviously called outside of the time set by the judge. Nor do we need a reminder that there is a court order in place. My husband has had many court orders granted to see his children, yet she failed to comply with any of them.
Secondly, six months ago while in prison, she did take my husband to court for visitation rights. During this hearing she was granted only two requests from her long list of demands; visits once per month for two hours and the right to call on Wednesdays between the hours of 4-6pm. The judge was very adamant that she stay within the timeframe that he set. He even stated that he knew third party calls were illegal to make in prison, and that if she got caught and was “thrown into solitary confinement for it,” it was her problem not my husband’s. He also told her that he didn’t care if she called using “pigeons” or “smoke and mirrors,” but she was not allowed to call our home collect. He actually wrote in the order that my husband was NOT to accept any of her calls. We did not inform the judge that the kids witnessed the murder. In fact, after the hearing we stood around talking with our attorney and the court clerk. They both agreed had the judge known what they had witnessed while in her care, he would have never even granted her the monthly visits. And I am to blame. I am the one who pushed for her to get to see them and my husband reluctantly agreed not to make it an issue in court.
Next, I disliked the fact she felt free to leave this message while her eleven year-old son was on the phone. He should not be exposed to adult affairs.
Finally, she can’t demand to speak to Evan. She has no way to do this because she is not listed on any of his paperwork for starters. The residential facility/psychiatric hospital that he is in does not accept collect prison calls. Furthermore, his psychiatrist does not think his fragile mind can handle interacting with her until he is more stabilized. The petition she filed acknowledges …if visitation might significantly impair the child’s emotional development, the court may deny visitation rights in the best interest of the child.
I’ve already had this conversation with her! And then Morocco, please write me and let me know what is going on what nerve!!! I don’t owe her any explanations! She is the one who should write ME and let me know what is going on in HER warped head!
I am just bothered by her message. Her tone was both demanding and martyrish…she sounded exactly like the old Eliza. I almost feel betrayed. Of course I talked to Rhonda because I was so upset. She felt that Eliza is probably under a lot of stress, especially with Mother’s Day approaching. So should I just chalk this one up to that time of the month—meaning M-Day? Here lately I have been examining things From All Angles, so I am going to try and understand this. I’m already struggling.
I am so ticked that I am considering not sending her the Mother’s Day care package that I put together for her. I know I should do anyway and I most likely will. But she is so inappropriate and inconsiderate at times that it annoys me to no end. Why bend over backwards for a person like that? Since she is acting like the old Eliza, maybe I should act like the old Morocco. Folks, I feel a regression coming on…sigh.
From All Angles May 4, 2008
Posted by Morocco in Reflections.Tags: death, grief, holidays, loss, Mother's Day, mourning, prison, sadness, Stepmom, stepsons
2 comments
Mother’s Day will be different for me this year. It will be my first Mother’s Day as a motherless daughter. As of February 8, 2008, I have no mother to acknowledge and celebrate. Hallmark will not let me forget this fact either. I automatically dodge the card aisle upon entering any store. A short while ago I remember seeing the displays much to my surprise. I had forgotten that May was the month reserved for mothers. And it’s not that I place much stock in this commercialized, contrived holiday, because for me, every day was mother’s day. I always looked at this day as a brilliant marketing strategy on behalf of greeting card companies and floral shops worldwide. But nevertheless, it was nice to actually have a mother on this day.
Losing a mother makes one introspective and sensitive. So much in fact that it has propelled me to examine this day from all angles—from Eliza’s to Ethan and Evan’s.
A simple expression of Happy Mother’s Day from Ethan and Evan has always sufficed for me because while I am not their mother, I a mother. I never expected anything more than this, not even a card. But this was even hard for them to do. Last year on our first Mother’s Day together, my husband inquired if they had told me, and they admitted that they had not. They “forgot.” My feelings were hurt slightly but I quickly recovered. As always, our son Nicholas was there to celebrate me with his beautifully handcrafted AND store bought cards, poems, and frequent reminders throughout the day of what a great mom I was. One day while at Wal-Greens’s he had even selected the aforementioned card without my assistance and casually asked me to pay for it!
But this year…I think I understand how they were feeling. It too was their first Mother’s Day without Eliza. They probably just wanted to spend this day in the company of their own mom expressing the sentiment to her; just as I would like to do with my own. No ommy, substitute mommy, guest mom, or second mom will do. I want my mommy. As children I can only imagine how they feel; and Eliza, too.
So this year on Mother’s Day, I will be working on a scrapbook in memory of my mother. We have already started making some things for Eliza. While Ethan, Evan, or I can’t be with our moms in the physical sense, we can at least be with them in spirit. Happy Mother’s Day to all!
