Guess What? April 21, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Reflections.Tags: curiousity, dates, death, loneliness, men, time, uncertainty, widowhood, women
13 comments
I’ve been asked on a date by a guy who seems different from the Men @ Work (he’s single for starters). He has been very sensitive and understanding about my loss. He is a good conversationalist and has listened attentively for the last month to my deepseated, ardent lamentations. This has been a good outlet for me as I don’t like to constantly burden family and friends with my tales of woe. I don’t feel that he has a hidden agenda either. It has been close to six months and I am finally at the point in which I have accepted my husband’s death.
I do think an occassional, platonic dinner and a movie would be okay, but I don’t know! It could just be my loneliness talking. Maybe this step would help me enter back into the Land of the Living?
TGIF–Not! March 21, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Dark Side of the Moon.Tags: death, emotional burdens, family, Friday, husband, Lady's Home Journal, memories, problems, sadness, Saturday, stepsons, students
8 comments
Fridays have taken on a whole new meaning for me. It used to be that I could hardly “wait” for the day to come. Now I can barely get through them. No longer do they represent happiness and relief from working. Fridays are sadness, loneliness, and terrible memories that surface. Every Friday I relive that horrible night. Friday is the day all the trouble began.
Saturdays, too, are classified the same as Friday. Saturday was the official day of his death.
And for some reason yesterday (Friday) just felt so much more heavier than usual on top of the forlornness that I normally feel. There were “signs” everywhere that I could not “read.”
- During my prep I made a personal call, and while on hold, I grabbed the nearest magazine (Lady’s Home Journal) to pass the time. The first article I encountered was called “To Happy Endings.” The author wrote about the many problems she had faced in 2008. No matter how many times life surprises you, you never get used to the shock. A year ago I couldn’t have pictured all that has come to pass in my world in 2008: my mother’s death, the end of my second marriage and a raft of other heartaches big and small… Midway through the article it mentioned that she had been widowed in her early thirties! I about fell off of the stool I was perched on!
- After reading her story, the article I turned to next had my husband’s name in large letters! Turns out that one of the adult dogs who played Marley in the movie Marley & Me has the same name as my husband!
- The last feature I read in the magazine was an interview with a mom. The final question asked what she wished her family had money for. She said she wanted money to restore their emergency fund as it had been depleted. She also desired money so that her family could visit her in-laws in (take a wild guess) Morocco!
- During my sixth period some of the students were talking while working on their assignment. A female student was casually sharing the fact that she spent 11 1/2 months in residental treatment. This of course caught my attention because this is the exact amount of time that Evan spent in treatement as well!
- One of my student’s brother, who attends our middle school has been acting out because their father died recently. Her brother’s name is Ethan (also in middle school)!
- I received a call from Eliza’s sister’s cell phone. I did not answer the call and no message was left.
- On Wednesday I kept my friend’s two sons while she went out on a date. They are the same ages as my stepsons. It felt really eerie having them there. Later in the evening she sent a text asking What are my boys doing? This is the way Eliza always referred to Ethan and Evan, Although this did not happen on Friday, it still triggered many memories.
I was haunted all day and night long. Even while I was “stealing time.” I felt overwhelmed and crushed by the memories and what-if’s. Later in the day I was exhausted and took a sleeping pill to stop my wandering mind. But I do wonder if it was all a coincidence or some kind of sign?
Moving On March 12, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Reflections.Tags: blended family, dating, death, happiness, loneliness, moving on, new girlfriend, stepdaughter, stepfather, stepkids, widows
8 comments
My stepfather is doing wonderful. I’m thankful as he’s had a rough couple of years. He also has a girlfriend! Although they haven’t been dating long, I was still touched when he asked me if I would be okay with their relationship. Intially I felt a twinge of jealousy because she is not my mother and sadness in that he even has to travel this route. However, these feeling were fleeting and I responded with a genuine ”yes” and he seemed pleased. I want him to be happy!
I asked my sister what she thought about him dating and she replied, Good! Now he can stop calling me! He needs someone to keep him busy! Her response tickled me because I understood her seemingly aloof confession. Before she (his new girlfriend) came along he was very lonely! He called me what seemed like a million times a day to give me the run-down of his every activity! My husband used to tease me about this. Virtually everytime the phone rang it was…George! But unlike my sister who simply stopped answering his calls, I took every one because I knew that he was just missing my mother.
His girlfriend seems like a nice woman. She is also a widow. George took me and the kids out to breakfast last Sunday morning and she came along. She seemed a little nervous and shy so I tried to make her feel at ease by including her in the conversation and asking questions about her family.
I wonder what her title would be if they ever marry? Would she be our step-stepmom? Or just my stepfather’s wife? I wonder what she thinks about his “motley” crew of children and grandchildren? I know one thing, he is a package deal!
Something to Think About February 27, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Reflections.Tags: bio mom, birth mom, blended family issues, crazy exwife, death, divorce, getting along with the biomom, hurt, husband, problems with husband's exwife, reasons to get along with the biomom, Romans 12:18, stepchildren, Stepmom, stepparents, the law and stepparents, wife
7 comments
It is my hope that all you stepmom readers will learn something from my experience of losing both my husband and stepsons. Some stepmoms may wonder why they should try to get along with the mother of the kids. Why shouldn’t you is what I want to know? I realize that some mothers are difficult to endure. Some are hostile, weird, crazy, jealous, insensitive, manipulative, beastly, petty—fill in the blank. Eliza was all that and then some! You might be thinking, Well you don’t know my husband’s ex! While I might not know her personally, I do know the archetype.
Even though I know I tried my very best to smooth things over between she and I (in the last two years), she didn’t. I could only control myself, and rightly focused on changing my attitude about her instead of trying to force her to be different.
Therefore, I want to make sure that you are doing everything on your end to be peacable. Please pick and choose your battles and think of your situation with the end in mind. We all know that stepparents have no legal rights to their stepchildren. Your husband is truly that connecting force between you two. Unless, you have a stable relationship with the mother, that is (especially in the event of death and/or the children are not of age). No him or her=no stepchildren. You can’t force/demand/court order the biological parent to allow you to interact with their kids.
As you see in my case, it is to your benefit to get along with the mother of the children. I truly wish that Eliza would have honored my role and feelings. There is no compelling reason that Nicholas and I should not have the boys in our lives. It still hurts that she is punishing us in this manner.
If you are giving it the best that you’ve got, I heartily encourage you to keep up the good work! Life offers few fairy tale endings and your efforts alone may not produce the desired outcome. But speaking from experience, you won’t regret trying.
I do, however, wish that I would have had this attitude from the very inception. While I wasn’t the one who started the fires and mostly ignored her combustive behavior, I wouldn’t have spit on her if she was on fire (as the old saying goes)! I felt like it wasn’t my “job” to appease her (or get along with her) in any manner. Afterall, it was her who was causing trouble, being difficult, and behaving in a bellicose manner!
So if you are holding onto grudges, insecurites, myths about the ex, things your stepchildren told you she said, past hurts, or any other minute issues (and if it’s not life or death—IT IS SMALL!) stop while you still have time to regroup, reflect, and reposition yourself. Like it or not, she will always be their mother. You can’t “wish” her away or pretend she doesn’t exist. Figure out exactly what you want your blended family life to be and go for it. Wake up and change directions while you still can. Most anything is possible because everyday is a new day. Even if you can’t have peace with her because of her relunctance (or disinterest) you can have it within for trying.
With that being said, if you still can’t think of any reason under the sun as to why it would be a good idea to be on stable ground with your husband’s ex; think about your stepchild(ren) and your life without them in it.
Black Girl Grieves February 8, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Dark Side of the Moon.Tags: anniversary, death, grief, husband, life, loss, love, memories, mother, mourning
5 comments
At my grandmother’s repast, someone with a camera snapped a picture of me that perfectly captured the face of grief. Over the years I have worn that visage many times.
Today is the one year anniversary of my mother’s death.
Today marks three months for my husband, too.
I miss them so very much!
Men and Grief February 3, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Reflections.Tags: death, feelings, grief, husband, men, men and grief, men don't cry, mourning, sadness, tears, women and grief
6 comments
My first encounter with men and grief was at my grandmother’s funeral. My uncle, an imposing figure sheathed in dark sunglasses sat solemnly. I could hardly contain myself and screamed like a banshee periodically throughout the service. That was until my uncle slowly turned to me and said No more outbursts in a slightly menancing tone. I knew he had had his own private spell the night before as I overhead his wife telling my mother and her sisters all about it. I cried silently for the remainder of the service.
Over the years I’ve observed the males in my family and the way they handle grief. Some avoid funerals. My cousin did not attend my mother’s and when I inquired why, he shrugged and said I can’t do it–too many in this family. Other cousins missed funerals I guess for the same reason.
At the hospital when I talked to my siblings about the severity of our mother’s illness, my brother (Jazmine’s father) immediatedly asked that someone take him to the store. By the time they returned to the hospital, my mother had died. His responded to the news by walking the halls taking long swigs from a fifth of gin.
The night my husband died three of his very closest childhood friends met me at the hospital. I knew there would be tears but I was surprised by the depth of emotions emanating from them. All I could hear were loud, heaving sobs coming from the trio. One of my coworkers who attended the funeral said that she was astounded at how many of my husband’s friends were openly crying. That’s what broke me down; seeing all those young guys crying like that she said to me days later. I’ve never seen anything like it.
So why is it uncomforatble for his friends and male family members to hear me grieve? They call and check on me and stop by on occassion. But I can tell they can’t handle the tears. They don’t know what to say to me. Last night his friend Corey called but I didn’t bother to answer the phone. I don’t want to pretend that I am okay to spare anybody’s feelings. Why they would even think I am okay puzzles me. I want to scream to them all–NO, I AM NOT OKAY–SO STOP ASKING! IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME NOT BEING OKAY, THEN DON”T CALL TO SEE IF I AM OKAY! But I know that they mean well and I appreciate that they are even checking on me at all…
My SIL texted me last night to see how we’ve been getting along. She said she was doing okay. I replied that I was glad she was because I wasn’t and I let her know how I was REALLY doing. She seemed relieved and responded that she wasn’t doing well either, but she didn’t want to upset me. I feel more comfortable sharing my true feelings with the women that I am close with because they can handle it.
I know males are reared in a society in which they are often told that men don’t cry. This has always been silly to me because most beings with tear ducts cry. Crying is cleansing. It is a way to purge the soul of toxins such as sadness.
While I try not to cry too much in front of my son, I do let him know that it is okay to cry and that some things are worth crying for.
Twisted Sister January 30, 2009
Posted by Morocco in Uncategorized.Tags: animosity, betrayal, brother, death, envy, family, hurt, husband, jealousy, marriage, Scarface, shock, sister, sister-in-law, Tony Montana
10 comments
I vividly recall the day I first met my husband and his sister. He was quiet and shy, but her, not so much. It was obvious that he and I liked each other and she thought our crush was the cutest thing. She wasn’t around a lot because she was too busy chasing boys. I remember her as his wild big sister, the black sheep of the family. Back in the day she liked me. But that was then…
She was never rude to me directly because my husband wouldn’t tolerate it. So she carefully veiled her animosity toward me in hopes that he wouldn’t notice. He did. She resented that I was number one in his life. It was very clear how much he adored me.
The summer we spent looking for our first home we stayed in his grandparents house, who had both recently died. The heat was sweltering! I was quite surprised when my SIL came over to take our refridgerator! She already had one so she kept it on her front porch! The comment that she made to her brother said it all “Morocco can go and buy y’all a new one.” I assume she felt this way because I had just bought a new car.
During our courtship she started to connect with Eliza because they had a mutual enemy in common: ME. I asked my husband what exactly had I done to his sister. He replied nothing, and that she never wanted him to be with anyone. She always found a reason not to like whomever he was with. She was iffy with Eliza , too when they were together. Yet, Eliza tended to cater to her to be accepted so it wasn’t a major problem. I, on the otherhand, ignored her once I realized that something wasn’t right. I didn’t see any need to suck up.
When we got married and had Nicholas she was very upset and cried bitterly. My other SIL told us this. My husband just shook his head about his crazy sister’s reaction.
She did many other things throughout the years which caused him to stop interacting with her. He loved his sister but did not like her ways. We both felt she had a weird fixation with him. It just wasn’t healthy. In fact, we even compared her toTony Montana from the movie Scarface because of the questionable love he had for his sister.
One time we stopped by her house and she took a shower while we were there. She actually came into the living room with a very small towel wrapped around her body. However, you could very clearly see all of her vagina and parts of her breasts. I was very uncomfortable and appalled! She simply said “excuse me y’all” as she sauntered on through! My husband also said this freaked him out and was very disgusted by her indecent behavior. He said she scared him.
And she blamed me that she did not have a relationship with him. I guess it had nothing to do with:
- Her smoking “funny smelling cigarettes” in front of the boys. I’m sure you can guess what she was smoking! My husband was livid!
- She had no control over her tongue and would say whatever came to mind–even in front of the children
- My SIL told Eliza that she did not like me (Eliza was thrilled with this nugget of information and couldn’t wait to share it with us)
- She told me that she liked Eliza because “she don’t want my brother.” Huh?…was all I could think
- When Eliza refused to let my husband get the boys she still allowed my SIL to get them. If she was mad at her brother for whatever reason, she would not let him pick up his own kids from her house. Once he tried to do so anyway and she called Eliza on him!
- She is very materialistic and jealous-hearted
- She has tried to run his life over the years and is very overbearing
- She wanted my husband to take care of her and her daughter. She would often ask him for money and would get angry when he said no. She also tried to force him to babysit a lot
- She often badmouthed him to their friends and family and painted the picture that he was upset with her for no reason
- She thought my husband was wrong for not continuing to interact with his former stepson and often made an issue of it. She would assert that he was still her nephew and that he was always going to be his son. I was blamed for this, too
- Her opportunistic ways
- She kept drama going with many other people
The night he died I had a sneaking suspicion that she would not handle it well and act crazy. I braced myself before calling. I attempted to reach her but couldn’t. My BIL tried as well as his aunt to no avail. I even waited at the hospital for close to seven hours in part for her to get there. She never made it and I was blamed for this, too. She claimed that I did not try to call her at all.
From the day he died (Saturday) until Tuesday, she behaved very poorly to say the least. She was running around foaming at the mouth with her hatred of me. She told several of her family members that “she manipulated him away from us.” They countered her point of view because of course, I had not. She managed to do that without my help because he interacted with everyone except for her.
It really bothered her that she was the only one with these feelings of rancor. His aunt told me that one night after Nicholas and I left her house, my SIL started crying saying to her “You love Morocco, don’t you!”
She assisted and encouraged Eliza’s family in taking the boys away from me. She also stated that they should be with “family” and provided the name of the hospital in which Evan was located.
What blew my mind the most was that she called the coroner’s office and asked them NOT to release the body to me because we were ONLY related by law! That crushed me more than anything!!! She also thought I was going to have him cremated and wanted to prevent that from taking place. I found out about the call from the funeral director.
Enough of my in-laws finally got fed up with her and chastised her callous, immature behavior. I suppose they let her carry on as long as they did because she was grieving the loss of her brother–who knows? On Tuesday I went to make the funeral arrangements and she came along with my BIL (much to my dismay). When the funeral director addressed me by my last name; guess who answered, too?! Granted she had only been married for a week (she did not invite or call to tell her beloved brother about her small wedding), but still, she should have known that he was referring to me!
After I finished and was leaving out, she stopped me to apologize. She then started to cry saying “ Morocco, whatever it is I’ve done, I’m sorry. But I should have never taught my brother how to live without me.” I had no idea what she was talking about, but I replied ”All he did was get married and have a family. He was still your brother.” I had no fight left in me as I limply tried to comfort her.
Since that day she has been full of praise for me. Over the course of the last two months she has called many times saying what a wonderful wife I was to her brother, and mom and stepmom to her nephews. She has left so many sickeningly sweet messages that half the time I can’t bear to listen to them. They are filled with phrases of love, admiration, and kinship. It makes me soooo uncomfortable! How can one change their heart so rapidly?! I can only think of how she betrayed me with her Judas kiss.
But when the boys were in town two weeks ago and at her house, do you think she called me over for a visit? I haven’t heard from her in almost three weeks. And she knows that I am aware that they were in town. Maybe she feels bad.
My husband would not be surprised by her behavior in the slightest. He knew his sister well. And he would be in a rage about the way she treated me. If she thought he had disowned her then…
She is one of those people that I have a hard time loving. I definitely struggle with forgiving her. Do you see why? During my time of deepest sorrow I had to deal with both her and Eliza’s crazy clan. The state of shock I was in definitely preserved my sanity that they so desperately tried to break.
Wouldn’t You Think? January 18, 2009
Posted by Morocco in This Too Shall Pass.Tags: anger, animosity, biomom, death, drama, dsyfunction, stepchildren, Stepmom, unhappy people
8 comments
I am trying with little success to figure out why Eliza is lashing out against me. Wouldn’t you think that since she has gotten what she has always wanted that she would be happy? I mean, humor me here, what reason does she have to continue being hateful?
I don’t have her children, I don’t have my husband, she doesn’t have to deal with me anymore…what more could she ask for? The only thing I can think of is that she never abandoned the grudge against us in the first place. For her own gain she simply kept it closely concealed.
Or, maybe she wanted to be the one to sever all ties with me and end things on her terms. She never got to do this with my husband considering he left and divorced her. It’s as if she is projecting her feelings about him onto me.
Does she think I abandoned the boys? But she would have to know that they were removed from my care by her siblings. Even if she feels that I did not parent them well or whatever else she may be stewing about, it’s all water under the bridge now. What purpose would it serve to still be angry? Any guesses are welcome.
